We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone.
Only through our love and friendship can we create
the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.
From birth until death, we make and break connections with others. Some connections will last for our entire lifetime and some wax and wane while we navigate the different stages of our lives. We all yearn for and need to feel connected to have a fulfilled life. Feeling connected is a basic human need.
Marriage usually becomes a huge influence on how we live our life. Our partner becomes a major connection and we identify ourselves as part of our marriage relationship. Breaking the connection with a life partner during a divorce can be very disruptive and fraught with difficulty such as suddenly finding yourself feeling very alone. If you did not choose to end your marriage being alone may feel especially scary, unwanted and shameful. Loneliness is defined as a feeling of sadness or even anxiety that occurs when you want company but have none. It is possible to feel loneliness in a crowd, especially if you aren’t interacting with others, or in a relationship if your needs are not being met and you feel no connection. Feeling all alone is a normal feeling when you go through separation and divorce.
To cope with loneliness, some people jump into a new relationship to avoid being alone. Most of these relationships just delay the inevitable. Sooner than later these people find themselves alone again with all the same issues. If they do not do the work and get comfortable with what they want they repeat the same mistakes. Some people fill their schedule up with busyness to distract themselves from being alone. They may delay the feelings of loneliness but it will resurface eventually.
Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express
the pain of being alone. And it has created the word
“solitude” to express the glory of being alone.
– Paul Tillich
When you are going through moments of loneliness, and those moments can be intense during a separation, try to think of being alone as solitude and learn to embrace the positive aspects of being alone. The word solitude carries the sense that you’re enjoying being alone by choice. Being alone can be wonderful if you choose it to be. It is how you think about it. Sit alone, settle in and get comfortable. Choose to enjoy your own company. Get to know yourself and your likes and dislikes. What do you value most? What can you not tolerate? Allow yourself the time to grieve your losses. Heal your wounds. Let yourself feel your emotions for the sensations they are. Feel all of it – the sadness, the grief, the guilt and the joy. Getting uncomfortable means you are stretching your comfort zone and you will learn new things about yourself and grow as a person.
I am not advocating isolation. See your friends and family as much as you can but do not avoid alone time. When you do experience moments of loneliness, become aware of how you are thinking and switch your thoughts to take advantage of this solitude. If you have filled up your life with busyness, schedule some alone time. We really do need this time for ourselves!
Here are some benefits of spending quality time alone with no distractions or interruptions from others:
- Unwind, relax and become more centered.
- Replenish your energy reserves.
- Take the opportunity to discover your authentic wants, needs, likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals. Get to know what you like without others opinions or wants to influence you.
- Learn the lessons provided by what did not go right in your marriage relationship. Our mistakes can always be valuable to us if we take the time to learn the lessons that they teach us.
- Your concentration and productivity will improve, as will your decision-making.
- You can work through the bigger problems that require complete focus and deeper contemplation that we usually put off for when we have more time.
- Breath deeply, release your tension, be still and notice the details of the moment you are experiencing. Being present is a true gift.
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how
unlonely being alone can be.
– Ellen Burstyn
You will know you are healing as you transition from a fear of being alone to enjoying being all by yourself.
Happiness is a choice. Choose solitude over loneliness. Fall in love with yourself all over again. Regain your confidence and remember who you were and who you want to be.
When you truly learn to enjoy being alone and become your authentic self, you will find you will make better connections with others. When you are content you will start attracting amazing people into your life. Being alone also means you are available when the right relationship does come along.
Divorce is never a pleasant experience. You look upon it as a failure. But I learned to be a different person once we broke up. Sometimes you learn more from failure than you do from success.
– Michael Crawford
If you are thinking about separating or already in the thick of it, divorce coaching can improve how you are managing your situation! I can help you find the best path through the process to speed up healing and get on with the life you want to live.
Please contact me.
I do offer a free strategy session.
The Separation Project Coach!