The most important question to answer as you start your separation is “What is the outcome that I want at the end of this divorce?”
Setting up your intentions for the results you desire, the earlier the better can help make your separation more manageable. When you look back 5 years from now, what will your divorce look like? Will you be proud of what you have accomplished? Will you like the person you were during the process?
First, what exactly is an intention?
It is the goal, dream or desired outcome that you would like to create.
When I went through my separation I set several intentions.
- I vowed that I would do everything in my power to raise healthy, well-adjusted kids despite the ending of my marriage.
- I wanted to be fair to my ex and keep the financial cost of the divorce to a minimum (send our kids to school instead of sending the lawyer’s kids to school – an old expression, but so often forgotten in divorce).
- I put dating on hold for at least a year to allow myself time to settle into being single and start healing my heart.
- I intended, eventually, to create a healthy love relationship.
How do you ‘Set an Intention’?
1. Clarify and define what it is you would like in your life.
Say it out loud, write it down and picture it in your mind. How will it feel when you accomplish this goal and are looking back over your life?
2. Ask yourself if you believe it is possible.
Letting go of your limiting beliefs is sometimes the hardest step. Yes, you CAN, you are WORTHY!
3. Share your intention.
Release it to the universe and see what happens. Having others to remind you when you are straying and to celebrate your successes is helpful!
4. Create reminders of what your intention is so you see them daily.
For example, place a picture or object that makes you think of your intention where you will notice it and think about it often. Make a dream board!
5. Take action.
Do small steps to work towards this intention.
6. Stay open to receive what you have asked for.
Things sometimes come in unexpected ways so keep an open mind and keep thinking of all the possibilities.
Set your intentions on the result you are seeking, and then hold on for the ride. Separation and divorce are usually a bumpy and rough ride and an intention can help keep your eyes focused on the end results.
If you have no goal, intention or desired outcome, you may get pulled every which way each time an issue comes up. With a set intention you are reminded of what you want. A goal will keep you from reacting emotionally and will hopefully keep you from engaging in useless struggles that can pull you further down destructive paths that lead nowhere.
If you get caught up in conflict and worry about what is fair, what is right, what is wrong, what is ‘good’ behaviour and what is ‘bad’ behavior from your spouse, there are some very costly consequences. The legal costs, the emotional costs, the social costs during the separation will increase. Do not engage. Try to avoid or de-escalate the conflict. It will be very difficult, but with some good intentions set, it is like a light at the end of the tunnel and you will know that you can reach your goal eventually.
For example:
Intention: I wanted to be fair to my ex and keep the financial cost of the divorce to a minimum.
When you get stuck on who gets the garden shears in your division of assets (true story), it will cost you thousands of dollars to have the lawyers fight it out, and no one will be happy with the result but the lawyers! Instead, you let the shears go to your ex and replace them for at a nominal price. This saves you a lot of legal and personal emotional costs and you can simply move on!
Separation and divorce are never easy. Setting positive intentions can help with the fall-out and minimize the damage to you and your family, so keep your eyes on the prize!
Can I help you clarify and set your intentions? Contact me! I offer divorce coaching to help you come through your divorce with results you can be proud of!
I do offer a free strategy session.
Pam
Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas
Copyright © 2016 Pam Mirehouse
Image © tashatuvango / depositphotos
Why did it easy for others to end their marriage in this matter, I mean don’t you know how sacred is marriage? It is one of the ‘seven sacred sacraments’ of the Catholic church!
Tyler, Thanks for your comment. I do not recommend divorce or promote it in anyway. I offer assistance, through coaching, to people going through the process already. I am happy to report that I do have coaching clients that have chosen to reconcile! Everyone has differences of opinions and their own beliefs.