So another year has come and gone!
How will this fresh new year unfold for you? Have you made some goals about how you want to show up during your divorce?
I know no one can choose how their divorce will be – there are too many moving parts during a separation and divorce. You can, however, choose how you think about the situation, feel about it, react and act during your divorce.
A well thought out divorce goal can actually impact the results you get during your separation and divorce by changing your mindset and your behaviour.
Will you drift another year, or set some firm, goal driven intentions for your divorce? Are your goals firmly anchored so you remember them in the difficult moments?
SET YOUR DIVORCE INTENTION, goal or vision of how you want your divorce to be as if you are looking at it from the future. Think about the questions below to help you get clear on what you do want.
Get comfortable. Consciously relax and breathe deeply. I encourage you to write your thoughts out as you read through the following ideas and questions.
- Your separation and divorce will probably be one of the most difficult things that you will face in your lifetime. Let’s pretend you have made it through the entire process and are looking at your current situation from the other side. Your divorce is final and you are healed and feeling good. It is 5 or 6 years from now. You are your future self, looking back at this moment in your life.
- What do you want to remember about this difficult time of your life?
- How do you want to think about your marriage looking back? Your breakup and your role in it?
- How did you feel during these difficult times? How do you wish you had felt?
- How did you act during the journey through your separation and divorce? How do you wish you had behaved?
- How did you manage the chaos and difficulties you went through?
- What do you want to remember most looking back?
- What are you most proud of? What else are you proud of…?
- What was a belief or thought that helped you through your worst times?
- 5 or 6 years from now what would others say about your divorce?
- Your family?
- Your friends?
- Your ex-spouse?
- Your children, if you have children…?
- What does your divorce look like from the outside looking in, from these other perspectives?
- How do you want these people to remember this time in their lives looking back?
- How do you want these people to remember you during this difficult time?
From my own experience
I wish I had done a few things differently during my own separation and divorce.
It was a difficult and stressful time for me. I was not sure I would ever be okay again. I did not enjoy suddenly finding myself to be a single parent. I did not like making decisions all alone. I had lost the vision of what my future would hold and felt both lost and insecure.
- I spent far too much time replaying the past and thinking about how I would change it.
- I worried endlessly about my future.
- I struggled against the changes and longed for the past.
- I wish I had ruminated less about the past because I could not change anything about it.
- I wish I had trusted that the future would be fine.
- I wish I spent more time being present and enjoyed my life despite my divorce.
- I wish I had trusted my abilities more.
- I wish I had been kinder to myself.
- I wish I had embraced the change.
- I wish I had chosen more control over my part in the drama, and been more proactive, instead of being reactive.
- I wish I had known, during the worst of the journey, that I was heading towards something wonderful!
- I basically felt, when everything was said and done, that I had lost a couple of years to overwhelm, struggle and icky emotions.
- I wish I had chosen some better beliefs.
I choose my own way through my divorce. I choose grace. I choose ease. I choose to thrive.
In 5 or 6 years, trust me, your situation will be different – things always change. You may as well move towards your own desires, instead of letting life just take you where it will!
Step into your own power and stand a little taller with intention. Not having any divorce intention will leave you in a place of being a victim, of reacting to what others do or don’t do, and blame.
You cannot control what others do but you can control what you do.
In the next heated moment, think of your goals for your divorce and act with intention. Take responsibility for your thinking, your feelings, and your actions. This is truly the best way to move through to the results you want.
Trust yourself – know it will be okay and tell yourself every day that you will come out the other side with some great lessons and personal growth!
Although stress is both common and normal – know you can and will manage better with intention.
If you are not managing well, there is no shame in asking for help. Divorce is a difficult process and you do not need to manage it all on your own. This is actually a good goal – “I will allow myself to ask for help when I feel overwhelmed”.
Anchor your intention or divorce goal with a touchstone. A reminder that you touch or see daily, that will remind you of your intentions, and that everything will work out! A touchstone helps to remind you when you are in the thick of difficulties that things will work out. Some of my clients have used jewelry as their touchstone. Some have a framed picture placed where they can pause daily and think about their goals. I used a coin. I kept it in my pocket to remind me every day that I was thankful for what I did have in my life. It was good to feel that coin and remember the positives on my most difficult days. Some people pick a word of the year to remind them of how they want to show up and display that in places like their cell phone screen.
So – what is your divorce intention?
Anchor this goal and remind yourself of it daily!
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More details on the steps to set an INTENTION are here if you are interested: Separation and Divorce Intentions and Goals: The What, How and Why Guide
Take good care of yourself – always!
The Separation Project Coach