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The Emotional Journey Through Separation and Divorce – What Should YOU Expect?

Categories: The Journey, The Process of Separation, Uncategorized
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emotional journey

The emotions you experience during a marriage breakup are usually gut-wrenching and much more difficult to navigate than you expect. Nothing can really prepare you for the intensity of your feelings or the length of time your emotions will be hard to handle. I have found that knowing what to expect and knowing you will get to a better place are the two most helpful ideas for dealing with your emotions through this difficult time.

Being a divorce coach, I know that each separation and divorce is a unique situation and people going through the separation and divorce journey will handle their emotions differently but there is a pattern in the emotions most people do experience.

The emotional journey through separation and divorce can be thought of as a grief but it is more complicated than grief experienced when someone dies because you have to add the ongoing interaction dynamics to the emotional journey. Both members of the couple usually grieve the relationship separately, but their partner is still involved, and they will continue to interact, react and act out together which can add a lot of misery to the grief.

To add to the already difficult emotional journey the timing is often different for each person in the couple. The person that leaves the marriage has often done a lot of the grief work before they make their plans to separate common knowledge. This means that although couples’ journeys are similar they will often find themselves at very different points along the path. This leads to more hurt and frustration as your life falls to pieces and your ex-spouse appears unmoved, or you are ready to move on and your partner is in deep denial and very unready to accept a divorce, let alone negotiate towards it.

I will describe the normal emotions that my clients usually feel when they go through their separation or divorce as a path through an emotional valley.

Plateau before a separation:

On one side of this valley is your life up until now. Emotions here are your normal day-to-day ones. I am sure there have been some ups and downs. Good and bad things have happened in your life, but your feelings have probably been fairly manageable and you have been supported by your partner, hopefully in difficult times, when emotions ran high. It was relatively easy to feel healthy and your life and emotions felt ‘normal’.

A steep valley descent starts:

As you begin to get a gut feeling of coming problems and when the thought of a possible separation flickers into your head, you will start down the edge of a steep valley.

The first emotion is usually denial. Denial is good in that it does protect you while you adjust to the thoughts you are experiencing.

As the reality of a separation sets in, there is usually a steep slide that starts quickly.

Shock and denial often come hand in hand and you will usually start to feel anxiety and fear.

Loneliness, guilt, rejection and blame may all visit you during your decent.

Fear is probably the most dominant emotion as you descend into the valley because your future has become a big unknown.

Anger may start and be very overwhelming. Why is this happening to you? It all seems very unfair. Anger can actually be a good emotion to feel at this stage as it makes it easier for you to start taking action to help yourself better your situation. However, vengeful actions fuelled by anger directed at others or yourself are not okay.

You have now reached the bottom of the valley and are in full grief. It is essential to grieve the death of your relationship. It is healthy to allow yourself time to adjust and work through all of these emotions as they surface.

Across the bottom of the valley:

At the bottom of the valley are confusion, frustration, stress, anxiety, sadness, skepticism, depression, loneliness. All of these things are very difficult to bear. These are the lowest feelings and the darkest places to get through in this valley. Usually, our energy is low and we need lots of rest and self-care. You may need to ask for help to get through some of the difficult emotions you are feeling.

I want to emphasize how difficult grief for a dead relationship is, and how it is very normal.

Take your time and know that the emotions you feel and believe you have passed through will resurface, probably less intensely and for less time, but it is a bit of back and forth. All that is normal and part of the process. We often talk about the journey as a rollercoaster ride!

Up the far side of the valley:

When you reach the far side of the valley, you start up the other side – a steep climb but a very satisfying one starts with acceptance of the situation. With acceptance, new emotions start to uplift you and help carry you out of the valley. You start to become more creative again. Problem-solving becomes easier as your thinking brain is hijacked less often by the fight and flight response. You may feel more able to negotiate and think things through. More positivity surfaces as your energy starts to return, and you become impatient for your new future to start without all the emotional turmoil you feel now. Enthusiasm will be felt more often and be more sustained. When the healing is well underway, things will all level out again and the new plateau will come into view.

The plateau on the far side of the valley:

Life will become more manageable again and your new situation will become the new normal. You will become comfortable with the way things are. There can be some pretty nice things up on this plateau – it depends on what you are ready for and what you are looking for, but I will tell you that anything is possible!

The emotional journey is a very difficult one, but also a very rewarding one.

  • Most people are very surprised at the intensity of their feelings and some people find that they feel very out of control. If you think you need help please ask for it! I find it does help to know that these intense emotions are generally quite normal. If you feel they are too much to manage on your own, you can reach out for help.
  • Take your time and be patient with yourself and all others involved. Help from others, self-care and patience are some of the best strategies for managing it. Remember that your children, if you have any, and your ex will all be having similar feelings, but they may be at very different stages and the timing may not match your experience. Taking into consideration where you both are on the journey will help both communication and negotiations. Note that negotiating will work a lot better when both of you have the most energy scaling up the far side of the valley than in the early stages or the doldrums at the bottom of the valley. Remember that the person left behind in the earlier stages may see the words and behaviour of their ex-spouse who is further along in the valley, as potentially more hurtful than it is meant to be.
  • The journey, if you take advantage of the lessons you are learning, can be a very powerful one. Self-awareness increases. You become reacquainted with your own personal value and strengths. Being challenged to deal with all the difficulties causes tremendous personal growth. You can embrace your newfound status and relish what you have learned along the way. I am a very different person than I was before my journey and am thankful I took the journey myself. It was difficult, but my life now is much more satisfying than it was on the previous plateau!

Please share in the comments what have learned about your own strengths and abilities on this journey.

I do offer a free strategy session. Please contact me to talk about how my coaching works and how working with me can benefit you!

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach in Dundas

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Divorce = Legal + Change + Emotions

Divorce – The truth about what it really is.

Categories: Legal and Financial, The Journey, The Process of Separation
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Divorce = Legal + Change + Emotions

Divorce – what does the word divorce really mean?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage” (Merriam Webster, 2017).

Divorce does indeed involve the legal action of “dissolving a marriage” but there are many other things involved in the process that adds to the difficulty we have going through a divorce. All divorces have three distinct moving parts that increase the stress levels of couples during the process. If you can understand the three parts and how they come together, you’ll be able to manage things a bit better and that can be very helpful.

  1. First, and the most familiar aspect of divorce, for most people, is the legal process of actually moving from ‘married’ to ‘divorced’.  The legal process is usually somewhat mysterious and misunderstood as you enter a separation and almost everyone, from Aunt Doris to the lady next door, will have ideas to share on how it works. Please stick to the facts and remember that divorce in Canada is “no-fault” so the legal aspects of divorce are strictly a business transaction.
  2. The second part of the divorce process involves the many changes that take place. All areas of life usually change a great deal, and all this change happens simultaneously. Change during a separation and divorce is so massive, it can easily overwhelm you and your ex-partner, so recognizing the changes and planning ahead as best you can will help you decrease your stress levels, remain amicable with your ex-partner, and keep things working better as a divorcing family.
  3. The third part of divorce is the emotional upheaval for everyone involved. The difficult emotions are usually underestimated until people have started the process. Emotions during a divorce can be very intense and are absolutely normal. Understanding how the emotional process unfolds will help keep your relationship more manageable as it changes from spouse to ex-spouse. If you can understand where you are and where your partner is in the process, you can both be more sensitive to each other and things will go better for both of you.

If you map out these three areas, and keep them as distinct and separate as possible, it really can help you manage better.

1+3 = The legal process being highjacked by emotions is the most common and volatile problem in divorce. You really need to keep your decision-making skills from being led by your emotions. The legal process can be thought of like business transactions and being highly emotional will make agreement difficult to reach, which will add both time and cost to the divorce process.

1+2 = The legal process and change add up to difficult situations too. If you can map out all the changes that need to happen – like moving for example – and decide how to look for the positive opportunities, the legal decisions will be easier to make and can lead you in the direction you choose. Remember that change is a big part of the process and the legal system is not to blame for all the changes. The changes really are a result of the relationship breakdown.

2+3 = The changes and the emotions when put together lead to the overwhelming aspects of divorce. Changes that need to happen can be mapped out and planned, and if you try to also map out the expected emotional journey and allow time to get used to the needed changes, things will go a little better. Especially for any children involved! Give yourself and your ex-partner time to adjust and try to control the direction and speed of the changes.

Divorce, although always difficult, can be a period of self-exploration, tremendous personal growth and empowerment – if you are open to the opportunities.

If you would like help managing your divorce or further your understanding of the way divorce works, please contact me to arrange a complimentary strategy session!

All the best,
Pam

Pam Mirehouse

 

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What’s your dream outcome that you want at the end of your divorce?

Separation and Divorce Intentions and Goals: The What, How and Why Guide

Categories: The Journey, The Process of Separation
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What’s your dream outcome that you want at the end of your divorce?

The most important question to answer as you start your separation is “What is the outcome that I want at the end of this divorce?”

Setting up your intentions for the results you desire, the earlier the better can help make your separation more manageable. When you look back 5 years from now, what will your divorce look like? Will you be proud of what you have accomplished? Will you like the person you were during the process?

First, what exactly is an intention?

It is the goal, dream or desired outcome that you would like to create.

When I went through my separation I set several intentions.

  1. I vowed that I would do everything in my power to raise healthy, well-adjusted kids despite the ending of my marriage.
  2. I wanted to be fair to my ex and keep the financial cost of the divorce to a minimum (send our kids to school instead of sending the lawyer’s kids to school – an old expression, but so often forgotten in divorce).
  3. I put dating on hold for at least a year to allow myself time to settle into being single and start healing my heart.
  4. I intended, eventually, to create a healthy love relationship.

How do you ‘Set an Intention’?

1. Clarify and define what it is you would like in your life.

Say it out loud, write it down and picture it in your mind. How will it feel when you accomplish this goal and are looking back over your life?

2. Ask yourself if you believe it is possible.

Letting go of your limiting beliefs is sometimes the hardest step. Yes, you CAN, you are WORTHY!

3. Share your intention.

Release it to the universe and see what happens. Having others to remind you when you are straying and to celebrate your successes is helpful!

4. Create reminders of what your intention is so you see them daily.

For example, place a picture or object that makes you think of your intention where you will notice it and think about it often. Make a dream board!

5. Take action.

Do small steps to work towards this intention.

6. Stay open to receive what you have asked for.

Things sometimes come in unexpected ways so keep an open mind and keep thinking of all the possibilities.

Set your intentions on the result you are seeking, and then hold on for the ride. Separation and divorce are usually a bumpy and rough ride and an intention can help keep your eyes focused on the end results.

If you have no goal, intention or desired outcome, you may get pulled every which way each time an issue comes up. With a set intention you are reminded of what you want. A goal will keep you from reacting emotionally and will hopefully keep you from engaging in useless struggles that can pull you further down destructive paths that lead nowhere.

If you get caught up in conflict and worry about what is fair, what is right, what is wrong, what is ‘good’ behaviour and what is ‘bad’ behavior from your spouse, there are some very costly consequences. The legal costs, the emotional costs, the social costs during the separation will increase. Do not engage. Try to avoid or de-escalate the conflict. It will be very difficult, but with some good intentions set, it is like a light at the end of the tunnel and you will know that you can reach your goal eventually.

For example:

Intention: I wanted to be fair to my ex and keep the financial cost of the divorce to a minimum.

When you get stuck on who gets the garden shears in your division of assets (true story), it will cost you thousands of dollars to have the lawyers fight it out, and no one will be happy with the result but the lawyers!  Instead, you let the shears go to your ex and replace them for at a nominal price. This saves you a lot of legal and personal emotional costs and you can simply move on!

Separation and divorce are never easy. Setting positive intentions can help with the fall-out and minimize the damage to you and your family, so keep your eyes on the prize!

Can I help you clarify and set your intentions? Contact me! I offer divorce coaching to help you come through your divorce with results you can be proud of!

I do offer a free strategy session.

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Copyright © 2016 Pam Mirehouse

Image © tashatuvango / depositphotos

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Divorce coach business card

How Can I help You as Your Divorce Coach?

Categories: The Journey, The Process of Separation
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Divorce coach business card

Divorce is a complicated process. It is the coming together of multiple areas of change, intense emotions, and a complicated legal process. No two divorces are alike and no divorce is easy. Separation and divorce are rated as the second and third most stressful life events you may experience in your lifetime.

As a Divorce Coach, my passion is helping people through difficulties that come up during both separation and divorce. I can support, motivate, and guide you through the separation and divorce process.

Below are the main stages of separation and divorce that I help my clients navigate and a few questions I am typically asked.

I am not an advocate of divorce and some of my clients decide to work on their marriage after evaluating their options with me as their coach.

If you are thinking about initiating a divorce:

  1. Should I or shouldn’t I get a divorce?
  2. How, when, and where should I tell my partner?
  3. How should I discuss a separation with my children and extended family?

The earlier in the process you hire a divorce coach the more you can plan for and create the environment for a healthy divorce. Proceeding with some thoughtfulness can set the tone for your entire divorce. 

If you are ready for action or have started the process:

  1. What are my options?
  2. How should I get organized?
  3. How should I proceed?
  4. What type of legal professional should I hire?
  5. Who should be on my divorce support team?
  6. What financial information do I need?
  7. What is best for my children?
  8. How do I best deal with this overwhelming process?

A Divorce Coach can help you break everything down into small manageable steps and help you prioritize. Know that a divorce is a marathon, not a sprint! Prepare as if it is a marathon – hire a coach to help you reach the finish line with fewer wasted resources like your valuable time, energy, and money. 

If you were blindsided by a request for a divorce:

All of the above questions plus the following:

  1. How do I deal with my disappointment, grief, and anger?
  2. What is my role now?
  3. Will I ever enjoy family events and holidays again?
  4. I am struggling with loneliness – How can I cope?
  5. How do I manage my finances?
  6. How can I get the best possible outcome in my divorce?
  7. Will I ever sleep well again?
  8. Why does everything seem so difficult?

Being unprepared for a divorce makes things more difficult to handle and a divorce coach can help you sort out what you need to do to move forward with confidence. Stress can shut down your creative thinking and problem solving just when you need those skills most! A divorce coach can be a good sounding board and thinking partner and will help you find solutions that will work for you. A coach can help you cope and increase your resilience.

If you went through a divorce years ago and are still holding on to some hurt and bitterness and would like help moving forward.

  1. I seem to be stuck – Where do I begin?
  2. Is it possible to build the life I really want?
  3. What can I do now to improve things?

With a Divorce Coach at your side, you can find out what is keeping you stuck and how to move forward. It is all about finding you the resources you need and removing your blocks so you can start moving forward with confidance again!

If you hire me as your divorce coach:

We examine concerns and find options, together. I am a companion during what can be a very lonely experience. My clients SAVE TIME, MONEY, and reduce their STRESS. They avoid common emotional and financial mistakes. We break things down into small manageable steps. My clients come out the other side resilient and empowered instead of exhausted and depleted!

I wish I had found a coach, like myself, when I was navigating the process. It would have been such a great investment in my own future and the future of my children.

What will it take for you to invest in yourself?

I would love to answer any questions you may have about my services. Contact me here.

I am located in Dundas but I do work with clients from around the world. As I do my coaching via Skype, phone, and FaceTime, location is never a limitation!

I do offer a Complimentary Strategy Session so please give my divorce coaching a try!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Copyright © 2016 Pam Mirehouse

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“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.” - Ellen Burstyn - theseparationproject.ca

The Benefits of Spending Time Alone during Separation and Divorce

Categories: Emotional Coping, Self and Singleness, The Journey
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“What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.” - Ellen Burstyn - theseparationproject.ca

 

We’re born alone, we live alone, we die alone.

Only through our love and friendship can we create

the illusion for the moment that we’re not alone.

– Orson Welles

From birth until death, we make and break connections with others. Some connections will last for our entire lifetime and some wax and wane while we navigate the different stages of our lives. We all yearn for and need to feel connected to have a fulfilled life. Feeling connected is a basic human need.

Marriage usually becomes a huge influence on how we live our life. Our partner becomes a major connection and we identify ourselves as part of our marriage relationship. Breaking the connection with a life partner during a divorce can be very disruptive and fraught with difficulty such as suddenly finding yourself feeling very alone. If you did not choose to end your marriage being alone may feel especially scary, unwanted and shameful. Loneliness is defined as a feeling of sadness or even anxiety that occurs when you want company but have none. It is possible to feel loneliness in a crowd, especially if you aren’t interacting with others, or in a relationship if your needs are not being met and you feel no connection. Feeling all alone is a normal feeling when you go through separation and divorce.

To cope with loneliness, some people jump into a new relationship to avoid being alone. Most of these relationships just delay the inevitable. Sooner than later these people find themselves alone again with all the same issues. If they do not do the work and get comfortable with what they want they repeat the same mistakes. Some people fill their schedule up with busyness to distract themselves from being alone. They may delay the feelings of loneliness but it will resurface eventually.

Language… has created the word “loneliness” to express

the pain of being alone. And it has created the word

“solitude” to express the glory of being alone.

– Paul Tillich

When you are going through moments of loneliness, and those moments can be intense during a separation, try to think of being alone as solitude and learn to embrace the positive aspects of being alone. The word solitude carries the sense that you’re enjoying being alone by choice. Being alone can be wonderful if you choose it to be. It is how you think about it. Sit alone, settle in and get comfortable. Choose to enjoy your own company. Get to know yourself and your likes and dislikes. What do you value most? What can you not tolerate? Allow yourself the time to grieve your losses. Heal your wounds. Let yourself feel your emotions for the sensations they are. Feel all of it – the sadness, the grief, the guilt and the joy. Getting uncomfortable means you are stretching your comfort zone and you will learn new things about yourself and grow as a person.

I am not advocating isolation. See your friends and family as much as you can but do not avoid alone time. When you do experience moments of loneliness, become aware of how you are thinking and switch your thoughts to take advantage of this solitude. If you have filled up your life with busyness, schedule some alone time. We really do need this time for ourselves!

Here are some benefits of spending quality time alone with no distractions or interruptions from others:

  • Unwind, relax and become more centered.
  • Replenish your energy reserves.
  • Take the opportunity to discover your authentic wants, needs, likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals. Get to know what you like without others opinions or wants to influence you.
  • Learn the lessons provided by what did not go right in your marriage relationship. Our mistakes can always be valuable to us if we take the time to learn the lessons that they teach us.
  • Your concentration and productivity will improve, as will your decision-making.
  • You can work through the bigger problems that require complete focus and deeper contemplation that we usually put off for when we have more time.
  • Breath deeply, release your tension, be still and notice the details of the moment you are experiencing. Being present is a true gift.

What a lovely surprise to finally discover how

unlonely being alone can be.

– Ellen Burstyn

You will know you are healing as you transition from a fear of being alone to enjoying being all by yourself.

Happiness is a choice. Choose solitude over loneliness. Fall in love with yourself all over again. Regain your confidence and remember who you were and who you want to be.

When you truly learn to enjoy being alone and become your authentic self, you will find you will make better connections with others. When you are content you will start attracting amazing people into your life. Being alone also means you are available when the right relationship does come along.

Divorce is never a pleasant experience. You look upon it as a failure. But I learned to be a different person once we broke up. Sometimes you learn more from failure than you do from success.

– Michael Crawford

If you are thinking about separating or already in the thick of it, divorce coaching can improve how you are managing your situation! I can help you find the best path through the process to speed up healing and get on with the life you want to live.

Please contact me.

I do offer a free strategy session.

 

Warm regards,

Pam

The Separation Project Coach!

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Separation coach Pam Mirehouse seizing her destiny

Seize Your Destiny – Making the Best of Divorce

Categories: The Journey, The Process of Separation
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“A thought, even a possibility, can shatter and transform us” Fredrick Nietzsche

Where do you want to be in 5 years? What are your goals? Your thoughts can start amazing transformations!

There are three things you need to get to where you want to go.

  1. Know where you are now.
  2. Know where you want to go.
  3. Create a map or plan that guides you in the right direction.

It really is that simple.

You control your life. Sure things definitely happen that are beyond your control but you and you alone determine how you think about them, how you choose to react and how you will proceed in the long term.

1. Where are you now?

Critically examining your life, where you are and your part in it is difficult to do. What is done is done. It is what it is. Take responsibility for yourself and step up to the plate. We all contribute in some way to a breakup. Forgive yourself and learn from your experiences. Things happen for a reason. If you examine your situation with honesty you can grow and change in positive ways.

2. Where do you want to go?

Look to your future. How do you want to live? Picture yourself somewhere 5 or 10 years from now in some situation that is making you laugh. Where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing? Take some time and really think about where you want to be and what you want to do in your future. What picture comes to mind? How does it feel, smell, sound? Is this really what you want or are there things that you want to improve? Let your imagination and your heart lead you.

At the beginning of my separation, it was painful to picture what had been, at least in my imagination, my future. I felt my ex-husband had cut me out of the picture of our planned future and photo-shopped another face over mine. Those were our future plans! I was to be the one sitting in that chair, with that glass of wine and laughing at that particular place. Who is that other woman and why is she in my chair? That wasn’t how it was meant to be at all! I was very angry and deeply hurt. Eventually, I realized that these were his dreams that I had bought into. After 20 years together I had forgotten my own dreams and goals. I had put them aside for the success of my partner and family. I realized I never really like what had been our shared plan for our future. I liked the wine and the laughter but I wanted more. I wanted a healthy relationship with a partner I could count on. I wanted to be somewhere more exotic, like at a café in Paris. I began to remember what I authentically enjoy in life, and my own dreams started to resurface. I set my intentions for my future, became very focused on what I wanted and started taking small steps to get where I wanted to go.

It looks something like this!

 

Separation coach Pam Mirehouse seizing her destiny

3. Have you got a map?

Now that you know where you are and where you are going you need a map or plan. How do you get from where you are to where you want to be? You need to start with small changes that will add up over time to big changes. Take your time, enjoy the journey and feel the satisfaction as the small changes begin to create positive momentum. As you start to head in the right direction the journey becomes pleasant and very satisfying.

In life the only thing you can count on is CHANGE. Change happens continually no matter how much we avoid or resist it. You may as well embrace the change and guide it as best you can to create what you want! Get excited about the possibilities! The world is waiting for you!

By the way – once you do achieve your goals, you can pick new ones. Continue riding the wave of change and enjoy the journey!

Thanks for your time! If you are going through a divorce, separation or just a difficult time I hope you find my ideas helpful. Remember you are not alone! If you or someone you know would like help with the journey please visit my website or contact me.

I do offer a free strategy session.

Warm regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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the roller coaster ride called divorce

The Top 5 Joys of Taking the Roller Coaster Ride Called Divorce

Categories: The Journey, The Process of Separation
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the roller coaster ride called divorce

I remember the first inkling that something was wrong with my marriage. It was that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was not right. Something was very wrong and my intuition was sensing that there were problems just below the surface that were yet to emerge. I experience that same feeling on a roller coaster ride as the car climbs up that first never-ending hill – up, up and up. You get this sick feeling in your gut and know that there is nowhere to go but down.

Once the break-up became inevitable, I felt I had very little control over the process. Like the roller coaster ride, I had to withstand the intense emotional highs and lows as my life began to crumble around me. My feelings were all over the place. One minute I was terrified, the next angry, the next sad and the next exhilarated. The speed of the ups and downs and their intensity were hard to bear. The fear and lack of control were overwhelming. Screaming and just trying to hang on became the task at hand. Things were scary.

Fortunately, the extremes of my emotions, like the roller coaster ride started to attenuate. The ups and downs that were so intense and rapid-fire gradually slowed down and become easier to ride out. Life became more manageable and the reality of the new norm sank in.

In fact, by the end of the ride I had realized that, although I had not chosen to take the roller coaster called divorce, I was actually beginning to enjoy it. Independence and freedom felt wonderful when I saw new possibilities start to emerge.

Looking back, I wish I would have known that the ride would settle down and things would work out one way or another. It would have made the first few jolts much less frightening.

The 5 Joys:

  1. You will be stronger having survived and grown from the experience.
  2. You get to start over with a clean slate.
  3. You are in control! You get to make the decisions.
  4. You will discover your true friends and appreciate them more than ever.
  5. You will find new people start entering your life, which is a wonderful gift.

If you are going through a divorce, separation or just a difficult time remember that you are not alone! If you or someone you know would like help with the ups and downs of the journey, please Contact me!

I do offer a Complimentary Strategy Session so please give my divorce coaching a try!

Warm regards,

Pam

Pam@TheSeparationProject.ca

www.TheSeparationProject.ca

Photo © Krisdog / depositphotos

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The sky will still be blue tomorrow

Blue skies ahead – 9 ways to break through the dark skies of divorce

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness, The Journey, The Process of Separation
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The sky will still be blue tomorrow

My father once wisely said and I quote.

“The sky will still be blue tomorrow!”

This was after I was voicing my problem of the day. How true it is. The sky is usually blue and always returns to blue. The longer I have lived the more I appreciate this truth. Things that are all consuming in our lives at any instant in time will eventually be only memories – if we do remember them. Many issues that we think are so important actually won’t matter in a year let alone 5 or 20 years. Issues are like the clouds – they come and go, they can be light and fluffy or ominously dark blocking out the blue. Eventually, though we always enjoy another brilliant blue sky.

As I sit enjoying the sun shining down on me with an intense blue sky overhead it makes me smile and be thankful.

9 ways to break through the dark skies of divorce!

  1. When in stressful circumstances learn to live in the moment as much as possible. Most stress is created by ourselves worrying about the future and reliving the past. When we can focus on the present moment in front of us, it is a relief to our system and allows some well-needed relaxation.
  2. Set up good routines to get you through the day, especially if you have children living with you. We all need routine, especially during tough times. Routines can carry you through the day without having to make too many decisions. When you are in turmoil you can exhaust your decision-making ability so save your energy for the important choices you will have to make.
  3. Self-care is critical. Look after yourself with all the love and care you would give someone you adore! Treat yourself with dignity, respect, and kindness.
  4. Do not give up control. Sometimes it seems like you should let others guide you. Depending on who is guiding that can be a good thing or a bad thing. I always listened to anyone willing to offer advice, then made my own decision to follow it or not. I always said, “Thank you I will take that into consideration and make my own decision”. Don’t argue with advice. Just take it and then make your own choice, follow your gut to either take the advice or discard it. You do not have to justify anything.
  5. Know your options. Sometimes people seem to become paralyzed and stuck, hoping things return to ‘what was’ instead of learning what new possibilities exist. If you are facing a divorce – talk to professionals and understand the choices specific to your situation. The reality is usually less stressful than what our imaginations create from the unknowns!
  6. Give yourself the support of professional help if you are not coping well or even if you are. They can help you find resources to better cope with your burdens.
  7. Recognize you cannot do it all. Ask for support or hire help if you are able. Delegate. Learn to say “NO” when required!
  8. Believe in yourself. If you think you can, you will. If you think you cannot, you will not! Realize that your beliefs can limit you and changing your thinking can be very liberating.
  9. Remain optimistic that things will get better. Things will definitely be different. You cannot control how other people think, feel or act but you do control how you think, feel, act and react to every event in your life. Know that the sky will still be blue tomorrow! Someday in the future, you will be sitting under the big blue sky looking back at this difficult time in your life and smile because you did make it through!

Thanks for your time! If you are going through a divorce, separation or just a difficult time I hope you find these ideas helpful. Remember you are not alone! If you or someone you know would like help with the journey please Contact me!

I do offer a free strategy session.

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

 

www.TheSeparationProject.ca

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