When most people start divorce negotiations, they usually have little or no experience with the process. Understanding some common mistakes and how they can impact your own divorce process may help you make better decisions and speed up the negotiations.

The top mistakes commonly made when negotiating a divorce:

1. WANTING REVENGE: The cause of divorce has no bearing on the outcome in the courts, in Canada, so do not expect to get revenge or make your ex-partner pay more because you are the better person. This strategy just increases your costs – you may as well just gift your money to your legal team because that is who will benefit the most!
2. BEING TOO RIGID: Being rigid during negotiations is not helpful. You and your ex-partner both have to remain flexible to reach fair decisions. Listening does not mean you are agreeing. Remain open to compromise and possibilities – there are some ideas you may not have even thought about. Understand both what you want, AND what you absolutely need. Step back and look at the entire agreement to truly try to be fair.
3. RUSHING THE PROCESS: Take the time to understand the long-term implications of your decisions. Fair negotiations take time and you may regret the outcome if you make impulsive decisions just trying to reach the end of the process. Understanding the tax consequences and how things will look over time is smart. You need to think about right now, and how things will look in the future.
4. REQUIRING A GUARANTEE: Life has no guarantees or true certainty except ‘change’! Any material changes for either partner may require the re-negotiation of an existing agreement. Life happens – change will continue – that is the only guarantee we have during our lifetime.
5. RELINQUISHING CONTROL: You and your ex-partner are the decision-makers. The law is a guideline. Other people’s expectations are their expectations. The lawyers, mediators, and all your advice givers are only guides. You and your ex-partner should make the final decisions together. What advice do you want to use? Do what feels right for YOU and your situation. (If you go to court, the decisions are no longer in your hands, as you are no longer negotiating! In court, the judge makes decisions for your family – period – and sometimes a judge will pick a solution that no one wants, so please go to court fully informed and with caution!)
6. LIMITING RESOURCES: Do not limit your information sources and resources. The more you understand about the process the better your outcome will be. Do your research. Look things up. Check things out. You should then talk to as many sources of reliable information as possible. Interview several lawyers, mediators or professionals before you pick what resources best match your values and desired outcome. Do not limit yourself by listening only to family and friends or one professional. By the way – I am talking about not limiting information sources too early – not unlimited spending of money on resources.
7. LACK OF PERSISTENCE: Giving up is common when one side digs in and refuses to co-operate and stops all negotiations. Throwing in the towel to avoid dealing with an ex-partner is the easy way out, but the long term costs can be staggering. I do agree that sometimes it is not worth the emotional and financial costs to deal with a difficult ex, but sometimes this is exactly what they are trying to manipulate you into – giving up. Steady persistence can pay off without as much energy drain as it seems, if you can see the manipulation for what it is – manipulation – and choose acceptance and persistence over repeatedly getting emotionally drawn in. Sometimes if you stop reacting and your ex stops getting an emotional rise out of you, things finally get resolved.

My previous blogs on common mistakes made early in the decision to separate and divorce can be found here:

Separation & Divorce Mistake #1: Not Making Your Own Self-Care a Priority
Separation Mistake #2: Not being your ‘BEST-SELF’
Separation Mistake #3: Giving all Your Power Away to Your Now Ex-Partner
Separation Mistake #4: Avoiding Difficult Conversations

Please contact me if you would like help dealing with your separation and divorce. Often we are so close to things, we cannot see ourselves making these mistakes! I can help you keep things manageable!

I do offer a free strategy session. Book one, and we can talk about your situation and what you need help handling!

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

One far too common mistake I see, is avoiding the sensitive relationship conversations because these dialogues are ‘too difficult’.

Why is it that we end up hurting our most important relationships by developing unhealthy communication habits and habitual ways of silencing the discussion, and shutting each other down? Poor communication, or worse, silent avoidance when critical issues arise, often leads to disconnection.

Your truth may be difficult to mention out loud, to hear out loud (it always sounds much better in your head), and the responses may indeed be difficult to listen to and understand, but communicating when issues exist and working on doing it well, is always the best route through relationship problems. At its best, healthy dialogue may give you a chance to improve things and reconnect, and at its worst it may help you be more respectful and understanding as a separated couple or co-parents. Most relationships flourish best when good communication skills are practiced, married or separated.

The worst case scenario, from lack of communication, I see far too often as a Divorce Coach is blindsiding. Blindsiding is difficult to recover from – the person that is left behind may have had no idea about a problem, no input into the situation, and no say in the decision. Like a far too common “I want a divorce” as your spouse runs out the door or ends the marriage with a hurtful email or curt text message.

With no discussion or chance to understand and ask questions, people are left shocked and devastated as their entire life unexpectedly crumbles. To recover, they need to work through the “Why?” and find enough understanding to eventually recover their damaged confidence, trust, and inner peace.

I do caution those that blindside, that they should expect a much rougher divorce journey while their partner catches up emotionally and recovers from being blindsided. I also find most people left behind actually did know things were not going well, but preferred to avoid any uncomfortable discussions and pretend things were fine, hoping that time would improve their relationship. Both partners are often in denial and have avoided talking about the issues ruining their relationship.

Are you AVOIDING the real issues?

• Do you avoid uncomfortable issues and conflict?
• Do you feel unheard or discounted?
• Are you living like roommates and just tolerating each other, or worst yet, shunning or ignoring your partner’s very existence?
• Are you being manipulated?
• Do you feel intimidated?
• Are you making up stories in your head to justify how you feel and behave?
• Are you judging your partner’s behaviour without giving them a chance to explain?
• Are you silently keeping score?

When was the last time you truly communicated well in your relationship?

If you have been doing an ineffective dance around the issues for years, it may be difficult opening up a healthy and helpful dialogue. Blame, guilt, anger, sadness, and silence can all become habitual responses to silence communication.

I truly believe that these missing conversations do cause small disconnections that add up over time. Relationships that struggle with connection often end with both partners feeling lonely and unhappy.

Working on communication skills is never a bad idea! NEVER!

Good communication skills can improve all your relationships with family and friends at work and at home. Being a good communicator will basically improve most areas of your life.

No matter what the end game is during a relationship crisis – reconciliation or divorce – good communication will improve your journey.

How to have a healthy conversation:

Be Curious:

• Ask open-ended questions.
• Keep asking questions to get at the real issues under the surface issues.
• Remain curious to gain an understanding, not to “correct” others beliefs.

Listen:

• Dialogue involves both talking and listening.
• You should be listening at least half of the time if not more.
• Don’t interrupt.
• Listen fully – don’t be thinking of your next line – listen and allow silence into the conversation.

Stay open:

• Exchange ideas – don’t discount things – keep asking and listening.
• Don’t bully and try to win.
• Don’t go silent and avoid the issues that emerge.
• Keep the conversation comfortable and safe so everyone will feel able to share their ideas and concerns without criticism or judgment.
• Safe means you are able to say anything and be truly heard.
• Defensiveness means the conversation is not open and safe.
• Know that a difference in opinion is okay.

Take breaks as needed:

• Take a break if needed to remain focused and calm.
• Healthy communication is a process – not a one-time event.
• The conversation may become a series of dialogues on the same topic- that is okay.
• Allow time to process and respond instead of expecting instant reactions.
• If emotions get heated and your fight or flight response is triggered, take a break for at least 20 minutes to calm down.

‘Your Story’ vs ‘Their Story’:

• Know that the story in your head is just your story. Your partner will have a different story they think is true in their head. Reality is usually somewhere between these two stories.
• Talk about what and why you are thinking what you are thinking.
• Admit fault and take responsibility for your part in situations or misunderstandings.
• Explain your boundaries reasonably and calmly.
• Understanding is more important than agreement.
• Disagreeing on something can be okay as long as there is understanding.

Practice:

• Good communication takes practice.
• Practice, practice and more practice!
• Practice some more.
• It is practice, not perfectionism that wins in good communication.

Remember that if it took years to form bad communication habits, it will also take time to overcome them. You may need professional guidance and support! Breaking bad communication habits is hard work. It is very easy to revert to your old patterns – If you do need help please seek some!

Slowly, one step at a time, communication can improve with practice, support and the right tools. You just have to realize you have a problem, know that you want to improve your communication abilities, and then commit to working on them.

No matter what the end game is – reconciliation or divorce – good communication will improve your life on so many levels. Invest in yourself!

This is Part 4 of a 4 Part Series on Separation Mistakes made early during the separation and divorce process:

Part 1:  Not Making Your Own Self-Care a Priority

Part 2:  Not being your ‘BEST-SELF’

Part 3:  Giving all Your Power Away to Your Now Ex-Partner.

Please contact me if you would like help with your communication skills or practice a difficult conversation ahead of time.

I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Often in a separation, especially at the start of a breakup, you give away all of your own power by focusing on your ex and everything that they appear to be doing to hurt you and ruin your life.

• You cannot believe what your ex did.
• You repeat your messy divorce story over and over.
• You cannot accept what your ex is currently doing.
• You resist what is happening and try to control what your ex is doing.
• You worry about what our ex will do or not do in the future.
• You spend a lot of time wishing your ex was different.
• You blame and do not take responsibility for yourself.
• Basically, you focus far too much energy on our ex.

What you do need to do is take back your own power.
Step back and try to gain perspective on your situation if you are able.
Stop standing there, in victim mode, just watching your ex’s behaviour like a movie reel.
Stop retelling their misdeeds.
Stop making your ex the main character in your story.
Rewrite the script around you and what you want to do and start taking the actions you need to take.
Stop thinking about your ex and start thinking about YOU!
Start looking at your own situation and your part in it.
What do you want in your future?
What do you want in your life? Out of your life?
What are you doing to look after yourself?
What are you doing to be the best version of yourself you can be?
What are you doing to gain the knowledge and skills you need to work through your separation and rebuild your life?

One of the basic truths in life is that we cannot control others. This is especially true during separation and divorce. Click To Tweet
Trust in your relationship usually evaporates as it ends.
The person you love and thought you knew very well appears to be a complete stranger.
Patience, empathy, understanding and healthy communication are often no longer possible.

We only control our own thoughts, our own emotions, and our own actions.
You cannot control anyone else – ever!
Their thoughts, feelings, and actions are completely their own.
That lesson, sadly, took me a long time to learn.

So how are you thinking about the situation you are in?
Are your thoughts helpful to you?
What are you feeling about your separation?
Are you letting your emotions come up and processing them, or are you avoiding them?
Are you reacting, acting, or taking no action in a way that serves you?
Are you working to make things better for yourself and your family?

Stop focusing on your ex and their misdeeds and bad behaviours.
I am not saying to ignore this stuff.
Always protect yourself with awareness but don’t let it control you or take you away from your own work and forward momentum.
Do not let your ex have any control over how you are thinking, feeling and acting.
Choose what YOU want to think, feel and do.
Stop reacting and start being proactive with your own results in mind.
Make yourself the most important person in your own story.
Focus on yourself.
110%

Step into your own power.
Control your own destiny!

“Where focus goes, energy flows” – Tony Robbins

What small step can you take today to start your path to healing?
Please share your ideas in the comments below!

My coaching can help you take back your power and feel better –
you can book a free strategy session here to see if coaching with
me would be a good fit!

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Sometimes in a separation, early on, we play the victim and throw a big pity party.

• We whine.
• We complain.
• We behave in ways we often regret when we are not being our best.
• We blame.
• We take everything personally.
• We rant.
• We rave.
• We get emotional.
• We over-react.
• We react without thought.

Have you ever played the victim? I know I have!
This spiral of negativity may feel somewhat satisfying for a while, but it wears thin fast.
No one enjoys spending time with someone playing the victim except the people who feed off seeing other people suffer. Trust me, these people don’t stick around when things start improving for you – they want you to stay in the victim role because it makes them feel better about themselves.
Feeling helpless and needy is an exhausting way to live.

What you really want to do is pull yourself back to the version you enjoy being – your ‘best-self’.
The person you enjoy being when you are feeling great.
The person that is wonderful to be around.
The person that you are proud to be.

Who are you when things are good and you are enjoying your life?

How do you act when you feel at your best?
What qualities do you admire most about people you know that inspire you and you love being with?
Often we have these same quantities inside ourselves that we admire in others.
What are your best qualities?
Be yourself - but be your ‘best-self’ Click To Tweet

Who are you when things are not going well?

What bad behaviours do your use when you are upset and struggling?
Is your behaviour serving you or is it holding you back? Or worse – harming you?
Remembering who you are at your best.
Start paying attention and observing how you are showing up.
Start choosing to be a better version of yourself in the moment.
Change always starts with awareness!
Show up as the best version of yourself you can manage.
It won’t be easy, difficult things never are, but it will be worth it!
It will make you feel stronger, more resilient and help you be more in control.
Pay attention to the things that improve as you start to show up as your “best-self”.

Let me know, in the comments below, your thoughts on being your best-self vs taking on the role of a victim.

Find my series on common mistakes people make during separation and divorce here:
Separation & Divorce Mistake #1: Not Making Your Own Self-Care a Priority

My coaching can help you navigate the divorce journey better!  – you can book a free strategy session here to see if coaching with me would be a good fit!

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Often in a separation, especially at the start of a breakup, people stop looking after themselves. Are you guilty of any of these things?

• You worry about what others think so you pretend things are “fine” despite not feeling fine at all.
• You attempt to control things that you have no control over like other people.
• You power through, like the energizer bunny, despite emotional, mental and physical exhaustion.
• You don’t listen to your own precious body.
• You ignore your intuition.
• You resist and fight change instead of accepting what is.
• You stifle and avoid your emotions.
• You blame yourself – you may feel guilty.
• You beat yourself up mentally and are downright mean to yourself inside your own head.
• You put yourself at the bottom of your to-do list.
• You forget all self-care – who has the time or the energy for that when your life lies in ruins around you?

“Self-care is not selfish.

You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”

– Eleanor Brown

Think of self-care as your own personal energy bank account – similar to a regular bank account.

If you do not look after yourself – maintain and fill up your energy supply. You will have no energy to:

• be able to cope well
• think things through
• manage your feelings and heal
• stand up for yourself and improve your own situation
• make good long-term decisions
• look after your loved ones that depend on you

 Put in some deposits,
preserve or save what you can
and spend wisely on things that are important to you.
Making yourself a priority and investing in your self-care during separation and divorce is absolutely essential!
If you won’t look after your own needs – who will?
You certainly don’t want to depend on an ex-spouse to meet your needs!
Self-care actually shows people how YOU want to be treated.
Set a good example – treat yourself well!
Invest in yourself!
You=#1

Save as much of your own energy as you can.
Don’t let others take your energy especially, people that drain you emotionally.
Minimize activities and interactions that deplete you and wear you down.
Learn to say “No” and remember you do not need to justify your “No”!
Conserve energy for your true priorities.
Spend your energy wisely on the important things that will, eventually, increase your own energy over time.
Some difficult things may seem to deplete you – these are actions like setting healthy boundaries, but they will benefit you over time if you maintain them.

AND,

Most importantly,
Make regular deposits to fill your energy account up.

Good self-care = deposits

Deposits will strengthen you up and make you more resilient.
Build up your strengths, your confidence, your skills, your knowledge.
Ask for the help you need.
Make sure that you are meeting your own needs first.
This is true self-care.
It really does add to your life, similar to money in a bank account.

So let’s look at your energy account balance:

What have you done for yourself today?
Are you looking after yourself well?
Are you creating or continuing to practice good habits to look after your body, mind, heart and spirit?
Are you giving yourself time and space to feel your emotions, rest and replenish yourself?
Are you speaking up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries with others?
Are you asking for help when you need it?
What would you say to your best friend in a similar situation to what you are facing now?
How would you treat them? What would you tell them?
Try to treat yourself like this best friend that needs your support, care and love.
Treat yourself with compassion, understanding, respect and kindness!
It is always easy to look back at things and understand them better, but you really did do the best you could with what you knew at the time. Do not beat yourself up or be hard on yourself for the past. It is what it is.
Allow yourself plenty of time and space to look after yourself.
Schedule in some downtime.
Schedule some time to be alone to just think and feel.
Actually, pen it into your own calendar!

Self-care is the best thing you can and should be doing right now for yourself.
We only get one body in this life. One mind. One heart. One spirit or soul. If you are struggling – take the time to be present. Show up for yourself and listen to what your body, mind, heart and spirit are telling you.
Get to know who you really are.
Celebrate and be grateful you have everything that you do have in this moment!
Get to know your strengths and weaknesses. It is all good.
Nurture all of yourself – build up your body, mind, heart and spirit so you can handle the changes that separation and divorce will throw at you.
Don’t give yourself any time limits on grieving your relationship or healing.
Separation and divorce are a marathon, not a sprint.
Build yourself up to make it through to that finish line. It will get better with time and positive action. Divorce really is a journey.
Rest when you need to. The time you rest is just as important as the time you spend moving.
Nurture yourself.
Learn what you need to know.
Work on the skills you need to have.
Take all the time you need.
Keep moving forward.
Self-care is a life long process.
Keep doing it no matter what!
Never stop!

More self-care blogs you might enjoy:

How I define my three types of self-care

More on being your own priority

Please tell me in the comments what you like to do for yourself! What did you start to do that helped during your separation? What did you say “No” to for the first time that helped? I stopped doing volunteer work at my children’s school. I started doing more relaxing exercise routines that required less coordination because I was worried I would hurt myself by being distracted… 😉

My coaching will help you make yourself a priority – you can book a free strategy session here to see if coaching with me would be a good fit!

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas