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Author Archive for: Pam Mirehouse – Page 3

Abundance Mindset: I have exactly what I need. I have enough!

Scarcity and Abundance: Can your Mindset Impact your Divorce and Separation?

Categories: Legal and Financial, The Process of Separation
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Abundance Mindset: I have exactly what I need. I have enough!

When I first became aware that my marriage was over, and realized that both a separation and a divorce were in my future, my mind immediately painted a picture of me, out on the street, destitute, cold and alone. It was a very negative image and it left me feeling both sad and pathetic as well as fearful and panicky. This was probably my first real experience with how strongly a scarcity mindset can influence my emotions!

Going through a separation and a divorce is difficult. In separation or divorce there are rarely any real winners, but how you think about the situation makes a big impact. Are you feeling scarcity or abundance in your life during your transition? Let’s examine the two mindsets and how they may affect your thinking, feelings, and actions during separation and divorce.

What is a scarcity mindset? 

Stephen Covey first defined this concept of scarcity in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People:

“Most people are deeply scripted in what I call the Scarcity Mentality. They see life as having only so much, as though there was only one pie out there. And if someone were to get a big piece of the pie, it would mean less for everybody else. The scarcity mentality is the zero-sum paradigm of life.

 

People with a scarcity mentality have a very difficult time sharing recognition and credit, power or profit – even with those who help in the production. They also have a very hard time being genuinely happy for the success of other people. – even, and sometimes especially, members of their own family or close friends…”

The Scarcity mindset has a short-term focus, and according to some recent studies, decision-making also suffers when you believe resources are scarce. Feelings of sadness, fear, anger and jealousy are common. We all know people who have gone through a divorce and have taken on the role of victim, clinging tenaciously to their ‘divorce story’ – how their life was ruined by others and how everything was, and still is, out of their control. These victims feel scarcity everywhere. Not enough money. Not enough time. Not enough energy. Not enough attention. Playing the victim at their own pity party can quickly become a crutch and, like most bad habits, it will become difficult to stop. A scarcity mindset discourages them from taking responsibility for their situation. Since they are not responsible, they also feel no need to take any actions to improve things. Scarcity really just encourages more scarcity.

Stephen Covey defined the opposite way of thinking or abundance mindset this way:

“The Abundance Mentality, on the other hand, flows out of a deep inner sense of personal worth and security. It is the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision-making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives and creativity. “

If you are in an abundant mindset your focus is usually long-term and your thinking is open to a bigger picture, more opportunity, and greater creativity. Your decision-making skills are usually optimal as you are able to see more possibilities. When feeling abundant, you are basically in a better place to handle a separation or divorce. There are no true winners in a divorce or separation, but with abundant thinking, you get much closer to a win/win or fair situation where both ex-partners can feel like they will be okay with the outcome. Like they will both have enough. Abundant thinking encourages us to improve our situation as best we can and move into action. Abundance encourages more abundance.

I like to use the following scenarios to demonstrate how the two mindsets can impact a separation or divorce.

Picture one pie (your combined assets). Picture two people (the unhappy couple separating). Picture the pie placed in a big empty room with two plates. A door opens and the couple enters. They then proceed to divide up the pie as they think it should be divided fairly between them. Picture a professional cleanup crew coming into the room to clean up any mess (the professional team needed during the divorce). I will outline my two simple scenarios below:

1. Abundant Mindset:

Our unhappy couple feels like there is enough pie for both of them to share fairly so they use cooperation and divide up the pie neatly. None of the pie ends up on the floor or on anyone’s face. In fact, they end up with about half of the pie on each plate. When the cleanup crew enters the room there is little work to do so they do not get any pie except maybe a few crumbs on the floor. They look around, check out the pie on the plates, declare it fairly divided, nod and bill a small fee for their assessment and tidy up. The ex-partners and the cleanup crew all happily move along with their lives.

2. Scarcity Mindset:

Our unhappy couple feels there is very little pie, they enter the room and both grab for the pie. They fight desperately for as much pie as they can get and end up with a big mess all over themselves and the floor. Little pie actually ends up on the plates for either to enjoy. The pie is ruined. There are bits of mangled pie and crumbs everywhere that the cleanup crew comes in and carefully cleans up taking a very long time. It is a messy and painstaking job to clean up such a big mess. Most of the pie ends up with the cleanup crew. The bits that do get put on the plates are unappetizing and not very satisfying. The cleanup crew happily bills the separated couple a lot of money for the clean up of the pie mess. The separated couple becomes even more unhappy because neither of them has enough pie and they now have a big clean-up bill to pay. They both are resentful, angry at the outcome, and take a long time to move away from the scene of the destruction. They never forget what happened and how horrible it all was to experience. Only the cleanup crew is happy as they depart with the money they earned cleaning up.

You can quickly see that an abundant mindset is a big advantage in the above scenario, as it truly is during a separation and divorce. In this scenario, things work out okay because everyone expected that they would have enough, so they were patient, calm and cooperated more. They each got enough pie and made sure that their ex-partner also had enough. Not only does each ex-partner end up with more assets, but they are also usually able to get along better if they need to co-parent or be civil in the future, they feel less stress and negative emotions so there is less impact on their health and well-being and there is less cost to get through the legal business of separation and divorce. They move on better into their new situation and know they will be okay. Any children will have happier co-parents and a higher standard of living with each parent than in the second scenario.

In the second scenario, much of the assets were lost in the struggle and ensuing fight, so only a few assets are left. This is like going to court and having the judge make the decisions for you. The two people do not benefit much from the assets they have created together but the professionals that have to come in and clean up the mess end up with most of the assets paid to them in fees. The separating couple may take years to recover financially and emotionally. The entire family will struggle much more with the adversarial aspects of the situation and may never get over their hurt and resentment. Health and wellness may suffer for the whole family. If there are children, they may have years of difficult situations ahead of them, as their co-parents may not be very co-operative.

In a divorce, on average, each person ends up with approximately one-third of the assets they had before the marriage break up that was earned during the marriage. This is because approximately one third goes to the costs of the divorce and the extra costs of maintaining two households so everyone loses some of their affluence and standard of living may decrease. Looking at it logically, it becomes clear that if anyone receives much more than 1/3 of the assets that it may not be a fair settlement! Can you see how some people that do end up with their fair share still look at the whole pie they once had and think they were treated unfairly? The scarcity mindset distorts their thinking.

Where are you on the scarcity/abundance spectrum? Please share your thoughts in the comments below as you become aware of how your thinking may be impacting you and your situation.

This blog has 2 more parts – please find them here:

  • 9 Simple Practices to Encourage you to Think More Abundantly
  • How to Find Abundance During the Scarcity of Separation and Divorce

If you are feeling scarcity about separating or divorcing, I can help you find your best path through and a more abundant mindset for the journey.

Please contact me.

I do offer a strategy session.

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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It's the things that we least expect that hit us the hardest.

6 Reasons Blind-Siding your Partner with Divorce is a Bad Idea

Categories: The Process of Separation
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It's the things that we least expect that hit us the hardest.

If you are thinking about leaving your marriage, you should consider how to exit your relationship carefully before you take action.

Often one person in the relationship, I will call the ‘leaver’ thinks about ending their marriage for about two years before they act on their thoughts. Suddenly they reach the breaking point and they cannot be married a minute more and they just walk out on their long-time partner saying “I want a divorce” over their shoulder as they flee the scene. The ‘leavee’ is blind-sided by what appears to be a sudden and life-changing decision made by one partner with no obvious warning or a chance to work things out.

While it may look easy to just walk away and leave your problems for others to deal with, the devastation after a blind-siding is usually much harder to manage long-term than a more thoughtful and kind exit. Blind-siding makes every aspect of divorce more difficult and divorce is already difficult enough! Often affairs are also announced as the leaver walks out the door, which just confounds the damage!

I highly recommend you plan your exit with thought and be there for the fall-out, even though it’s not easy. You’ll be more respected by everyone involved and have fewer regrets after the divorce.

1. Emotional Devastation

Blind-siding is one of the most emotionally painful and devastating things you can do to your partner during a separation. A person left suddenly will usually understandably react with exceptionally strong emotions. The sudden emotional pain will be very damaging to your partner’s self-esteem and their respect of you. They may have full-blown denial, a difficult grieving period and will not be able to even discuss the future with much logic until they recover.

2. Long Recovery Time

You may have thought long and hard about what you want and don’t want. Many spend years thinking about separation before they act on it. Unfortunately, your partner doesn’t know what’s going on in your head. Being left with no warning or preparation is such a blow your partner may take much more time to recover than if they were better prepared. They usually need a similar time to what you have already taken, so be patient. Some people may never fully recover their trust in people after such a painful event.

3. You will be judged and penalized by many.

Blind-siding basically makes you look selfish and frankly puts you in a very bad light. It appears that you are just thinking of yourself and none of the consequences to your actions. Judgment and divorce unfortunately usually go hand-in-hand, and you will find yourself severely judged by everyone around you. You will probably lose many relationships – not just your primary love relationship! Kids are often very angry at the leaver, and sometimes the relationship is damaged permanently.

4. You may repeat the same mistakes.

If you don’t discuss your unhappiness or why you want to end your marriage ahead of time, you cannot work on or solve any of the real issues. Working on problems – at best – may save your marriage and at worst will benefit you by helping you learn why your marriage failed and how you can avoid a repeat performance. So many people leave the failed relationship and jump into a similar relationship that presents all the same old problems. Give your relationship every chance to work and learn everything you can from the process. If it really is time to end it, you will both be more prepared to separate after exploring the relationship.

5. Not fully thinking through the consequences

When they blind-side, people often do not think anything through but the “freedom” they think they will get after they leave. I talk to people that seem to think they can carry on as usual, but just have a different partner in the equation. Divorce has many consequences. Are you ready to give up time with your kids, many friends, usually two-thirds of your money, your home, your cottage, your toys, and your life as you know it? Many regret leaving their marriage because they haven’t really thought out the full consequences of leaving at the moment they act. It’s hard to come back from blind-siding your partner because so much trust is broken. You will lose much of what you value, so make sure you think the true consequences through.

6. Regret is common.

Looking back, people often say they wish they had managed their exit more fairly and with more kindness. Blind-siding is a cowardly act – it really is about avoiding interacting with your partner while they are most hurt.

Looking back at your divorce five years out, will you be proud of how you behaved?

If you are thinking about separating – a little planning goes a long way! I can help you find your best path through.

Please contact me.

I do offer a strategy session.

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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Review of OurFamilyWizard® for Canadian Families During Separation and Divorce

Categories: Getting Organized, The Process of Separation
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There are some pretty nice computer tools created for people going through a separation and divorce, so why not take advantage of them?

I am reviewing my 3 favourite tools over the next three months, starting with OurFamilyWizard®. I highly recommend OurFamilyWizard® for all busy families trying to keep themselves organized with multiple homes, but for those that cannot communicate well, it is especially helpful.

OurFamilyWizard® is designed in the United States but is available and useful to us here in Canada. Please check out this program to see if it would be useful for your situation!

Many co-parents do not look forward to communication with their ex-partner, yet good communication between parents is the key to safe, happy, healthy and well-adjusted kids. If just thinking about a face-to-face meeting or a phone discussion causes adrenalin to start to flow, OurFamilyWizard® can be helpful!

Even seeing an email from my ex in my inbox used to trigger me! Adrenalin released due to this discomfort, often called the flight or fight response, often causes a conversation to start off on the wrong foot and can create undesired outcomes. Sometimes emails and texts can easily be misconstrued or actually be sent with a nasty tone and intent. I highly recommend using the OurFamilyWizard® to help keep communication organized and clear, simplify things and help minimize conflict.

The thing I like most about OurFamilyWizard® is that it is set up as one place to hold all communication between you and your ex so nothing is lost in cyberspace or forgotten. Each page is stamped with when it was last viewed by each parent as well as who wrote it and when. Since it keeps an accurate record it can also be used in court. I find this fact alone helps keep things cleaner and fairer between co-parents and holds everyone more accountable. Just knowing that a third party could read what you are writing in court makes people think things through better before they hit send.

OurFamilyWizard® makes it possible to communicate well as co-parents without much interaction in person. This is a win/win for ex-couples and a win for their children! OurFamilyWizard® even has technology that views your written communication and queries any questionable language before you can hit send!

The following quote is off the OurFamilyWizard ® website.

“The OurFamilyWizard ® website is so effective that judges in … 5 Canadian provinces have ordered families to utilize the site in contested cases to reduce family conflict.”

I also highly recommend OurFamilyWizard® for families that get along well. The app is set up for co-parenting families that need to share information to make life run smoothly and has many useful features including:

  • A common shared calendar for scheduling activities like events and holidays.
  • A message board for communicating as necessary.
  • An information bank to record the important information about the kids that all their caretakers need to know, like allergies and medical information, all in one place.
  • An expense Log to track expenses and payments. (The only drawback for Family Wizard use in Canada is that although you can track expenses and payments in the Expense Log, it is set up to do actual US dollar transactions. You can track your expenses and payments here but cannot do the actual banking through the app to have proof on hand. In other words, you will still need to keep receipts for proof of payment but having a log is still immensely helpful.)
  • A Journal to keep detailed notes.
  • The other advantage of OurFamilyWizard ® is that third parties, older kids, and caretakers can also be granted access to parts of the app so everyone can be kept current on changes in schedules and stay on the same page. This is so important for looking after the best interests of our children!

I highly recommend this app to all separated families. Find more information here: https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/

Having trouble managing your communication with your ex-partner or just having trouble sorting out things during a separation? It would be an honour to coach you through your issues.

Please contact me.

I do offer a strategy session.

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach

Image © johnhain / Pixabay

Disclosure: This post includes an affiliate link, which means I will earn a small commission if you make a purchase.

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online dating

My Strategies to Enjoy Dating Online

Categories: Dating, Relationships
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online dating

The last few months I have been talking about online dating. I fully support online dating and encourage remaining open to dating in traditional ways as well. When you are dating, you need to be open and available for opportunity when it presents itself! Things may show up in your life in unexpected ways! I have talked about the advantages of online dating here and about preparing to start dating here.

Now that you are ready to go online – what do you do?

  • Create an online profile that describes yourself in an honest way. Pick some attractive yet honest pictures to upload. Feedback from a few trusted people may be helpful at this stage. You should be yourself and feel comfortable with your profile. It does not need to be perfect! Remember you can always go in and edit it!
  • Sign up and explore the dating sites and services on their free trial offers and decide which feel comfortable to you. Spend the time to get familiar with how they work and experiment a bit. Ask friends about their experiences.

A word on ‘free’ dating sites: I am sure there are some good people on free sites but I believe the saying “you get what you pay for” may be true when looking for date-worthy material. Paying something tells you people are committed to online dating not just slightly interested.

  • If you use a matching service, fill out the questions honestly and use your intuition. Do not overthink your answers! You want an honest match, not what you think you should be interested in! These services do filter things for you and potentially save you some awkward dates. They are only as good as the algorithms that run them so continue to trust your gut!
  • A cautionary tale – check the details of what you are signing up for. Some services have different ‘levels’. ‘Intimate Encounters’ are quite different than ‘relationships’ or ‘dating’ and some people think they are signing up for one thing and then realize they did not read the details thoroughly enough! Entering an unintended relationship ‘level’ is usually a little discouraging so pay attention!
  • When I was ready to go online, I set up a completely ‘invisible’ profile. This does not mean that I had no picture. It means that absolutely no one could see my profile or know I was even on the dating site until I gave them the approval to view my profile. This had the added benefit of keeping nosy people from looking for your profile – I had plenty of friends say they had tried to “find me” just to check out my profile! None of their business unless I wanted their input! (If you are not ‘invisible’ you will not have control over who or how many people can see you.) Invisible profiles may not exist on some sites so ask a site administrator if you cannot find this option and want this kind of profile. I did do this over 10 years ago, so I’m sure things have changed a lot and hopefully, the options have improved.

I am all set up on a service –  now what do I do?

  • I started leisurely browsing – no rush – no deadline. Mr. Right would appear for me at some point. I took my time and I approved about 3 potential dating partners every weekend. This number to me was manageable and meant I never ran out of options.
  • A word about geographic location. How far are you willing to go? This is usually something that you set up, so think about how far you are willing to travel to date. Set up a radius that you are comfortable with. There are people everywhere with the potential to be good matches for you so do not be afraid to limit this to simplify your life.
  • After I gave permission and became visible to a potential date’s profile, I simply sat back and waited. If they had an interest, then we started messaging. If there was no interest I moved on and browsed some more. (Sometimes people are busy and take a while so do not delete someone if they do not respond quickly. It may just indicate that they have a full life.)
  • I then started sifting through the profiles and allowing those I liked to see my profile. During the messaging stage, I could sometimes immediately know they were not a good prospect and I would take them off my list. Not too much investment of time, energy, emotion or money, so no big loss. If they could not remember my real name – which I always sent in my initial message they were probably juggling too many conversations and I was not interested. If ‘recently separated” was only 5 days when I asked, they were not a candidate I was interested in at this time. If they could not remember what I said or what they told me already – they were not really paying attention and I was done with them. If they could not spell or use proper language I was not interested. With regular dating, sometimes you are much more invested before some of these simple things are apparent. This is a big advantage of online dating. No real personal investment or much emotion is put in until you know quite a bit about the person.
  • We would usually talk on the phone and this was also a good filtering opportunity. Some chemistry doesn’t work on the phone so that was that.
  • I never took too long to meet people in person if things were going well between us online. Physical attraction is usually either there or not, so it’s best to meet and see if sparks exist in person. It was usually a one-date test, and usually, we were mutually interested in another date or not. Physical attraction just cannot be faked. No sense wasting 6 months flirting online and then having it fall flat when there is no chemistry at your first meeting.
  • Watch for red flags. At all the stages of online dating, red flags will tell you quite clearly when something is amiss if you are paying attention. If your gut is saying “NO” to dating someone LISTEN! Move on decisively and know something better is out there. If things are too good to be true – trust your gut. If things do not add up or if there appears to be any deception – trust your gut. Move on to something better.
  • Always remember that it is better to be alone than be in a bad relationship. First, being in a bad relationship is just plain no fun and, secondly, you will not be paying attention or available when the right partner does come into your life.
  • Be smart and stay safe. Meet in public places. Pay attention to what is going on around you. Tell people where you are going and how long you will be. Write all the details down and leave them with someone or somewhere obvious in case something goes wrong.
  • Be yourself and choose to be picky. Do not settle unless it is a good match. Keep searching until you find what you are looking for like good values, chemistry, and compatibility. If one date doesn’t pan out, go on to the next potential partner. Check out one profile at a time. Forget the others. All these relationships will either be a good experience or teach you something that is good to learn.
  • If you are planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, you may as well enjoy the process and get what you really want.
  • Trust that things will work out!

You may be nervous about false representation:

  • Pictures from 10 years ago or 50 pounds ago are a common story. You can listen to why they look so different or just walk away. You do not owe anyone anytime if they have represented themselves dishonestly. (Post a current and honest picture if you want to avoid disappointment!)
  • False claims like my personal favourite were the ‘non-smoker’ that obviously smoked – why would they lie about this fact? Did they really think I couldn’t smell the smoke at our first meeting? A pretty immediate turn-off for someone that is looking for a non-smoker! (If you are thinking about quitting, call yourself a ‘smoker’ until you are a non-smoker for at least 6 months and are certain you can remain that way!)
  • Yes, some people lie or exaggerate their charms but when you do meet in person these things are usually obvious pretty quickly. Honesty is always the best policy!
  • Yes, some married people may be on these sites falsely representing themselves. Pay attention. There are always clues. A friend had a date that kept excusing himself to talk on his phone and when she inquired if everything was alright he said his WIFE was upset and kept calling him! She left that date quickly!
  • Google names and do a bit of research! Check out social media and be open to learning more about people. I actually had my own kid’s friends bring me a story home from school about someone I was dating, as someone’s mom had a bad experience with someone with the same name! When I inquired, it was confirmed! Thanks, kids!

Social interaction can always be interesting so enjoy these dates – both good and bad – they can teach you a lot about what you want and do not want in your life. They can teach you a lot about the process and what works for you.  You can also learn a lot about yourself and what you truly value. These dates can also be pretty humorous! Treat people well and you will hopefully be treated well too. Enjoy this time of your life. The possibilities can be exciting. Enjoy being single!

Remember you only need to find the ONE RIGHT ONE!

Having trouble managing dating after your separation or divorce or just having trouble sorting out things during a separation? I can help and it would be an honour!

Please contact me.

I do offer a strategy session.

Best regards,

Pam

The Divorce Coach in Dundas
Pam Mirehouse

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online dating

My Preparation Strategies to Enjoy Dating Online and Offline

Categories: Dating, Relationships
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online dating

Online dating and traditional dating can be discouraging if you are not ready. A little preparation makes it so much more manageable! There is no rush so please trust yourself and know that the timing will be right for you when you get there.

#1   Are you ready to date?

·        Take an honest look and determine if you are ready to date.

First, if you are just coming out of another relationship, take some time to heal and recover before you jump into the dating pool. There should be no time line or pressure to be dating, especially if you are not comfortable with it. I took dating completely off my ‘to do’ list for over a year and that helped me manage the overwhelm that came with the end of my long-term marriage. I took the time to heal and develop some healthy boundaries and set some life goals.

Learn to enjoy some solitude before you try to fill up your emptiness with another relationship. If you are not healed from previous trauma, you end up carrying baggage into your next relationship.  I really believe needy people attract other needy people. If you want to attract a great partner with little baggage you have to be healed and ready to be great dating material yourself!

Plan to be confident, content and not feeling desperate when you start dating! We all have a bit of emotional baggage but get it out and have a good look at it. Can you lighten what you are carrying and repack into a smaller bag? I really suggest that you take the time to heal and get an understanding of what ended your last relationship, what you want and do not want, before you dive into the dating pool.

When you start to enjoy being on your own you are probably ready to date!

#2   What exactly are you looking for in a partner?

·        Get very clear on whom you want as a partner.

Write out your ‘dream partner’ must-have list and be picky and demanding! This is a critical step. List every aspect you want in a partner in a POSITIVE way! Here are some things you may want to think about. Not all will be important to everyone but, if they are important to you, think it through and write it down!

  • How do they act?
  • How do they look?
  • How tall are they?
  • What is their build?
  • What is their colouring?
  • What is their ethnicity?
  • What is their religion?
  • Do they have any special features?
  • How do they dress?
  • What age range is acceptable?
  • How do they treat you?
  • What does their home look like?
  • Do you want them to have kids?
  • How many kids are okay?
  • How do they treat their ex-partners if they have any?
  • What are their interests?
  • What hobbies and sports do they enjoy?
  • Do they like to travel or are they a homebody?
  • What are their values?
  • What are their strengths?

When your list is very specific and positive, you are ready to date.

#3   What kind of partner do you deserve to be with?

·        Be realistic about your goals and examine your limiting beliefs around dating and what you deserve.

No one is perfect so be realistic on your partner ‘want list’.

Remember that you will have to be a match for what is on your ideal partner’s ‘want list’ to actually get that ideal partner!

Next, take a good look at any beliefs that are limiting you. So often you have false beliefs that hold you back. These ideas that exist in our heads unconsciously need to be pulled forth, carefully looked at and replaced with better thoughts that serve you. Do you think you always attract needy alcoholics? Look at yourself and what you believe and get clear on what you actually do deserve. Write out that list too and convince yourself that your list is believable and achievable.

When you believe you deserve a great partner you are ready to date.

My next blog on dating – where I will be discussing how I used online services to find my Mr. Right is here:

My Strategies to Enjoy Dating Online

In case you missed my previous dating blog about the advantages of online dating is here:

The Top 12 Advantages of Online Dating

Having trouble managing dating after your separation or divorce or just having trouble sorting out things during a separation? I can help and it would be an honour!

Please contact me. I do offer a strategy session.

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse The Divorce Coach in Dundas.

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online dating

The Top 12 Advantages of Online Dating

Categories: Dating, Relationships
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online dating

Online dating has revolutionized matchmaking and is a fantastic option available to us today. If we end up single, especially later in life, online dating has lots of advantages for solving the problem of meeting prospective partners.

I was nervous, excited and terrified about the prospects of re-entering the dating pool. I had not been on a date for close to 25 years when I began to wet my toes and check out how online dating worked. I am happy to say I successfully found true love in cyberspace. It took patience and perseverance, but it worked well for me.

I signed up for a couple of different services, one at a time, and figured out how they worked. I made contact with a variety of potential partners, met and dated some of them, and eventually met my Prince Charming. We will be celebrating 10 years together this coming spring!

I highly recommend trying online dating – What have you got to lose?

Here are my top 12 advantages of online dating:

  1. You get to meet people that you would never normally see as they travel in totally different circles than you do. This can be fun and you can learn a lot of new things.
  2. You get to specify exactly what you are looking for in a partner with criteria like distance and age. This immediately narrows down the prospects to fewer people which hopefully are much more likely possibilities.
  3. You can use a service that will help you find your most compatible matches that you will be more comfortable with. This service, if done well, can help you avoid many mismatched and awkward dates.
  4. Browsing people’s profiles online is fun. It is kind of like getting the wish list catalogue and pouring over the possibilities.
  5. Screening the profiles is an easy way to filter potential partners before you meet with anyone online or in person. If you don’t like the way they look, write, or what they post, you don’t need to spend further time on them.
  6. Communicating with people online for a bit was helpful as it further narrowed down my dating choices. Those that forgot my real name or could not remember details were obviously talking to too many others and I was not interested. Recently separated people that, after inquiry, had only been separated 5 days, were also crossed off my list. There are lots of ways to narrow your choices down. If in doubt, cross it out.
  7. Once you’re on a ‘real’ name basis, check them out with search engines and in social media – Google, LinkedIn and Facebook can give you a lot of information if you look for it.
  8. When you are ready to meet someone in person, there is not a lot of investment if you are not interested after your first meeting. I found chemistry was either there or not in person, so it was always an easy decision to have a second date or not. Interestingly, it was usually a mutual decision.
  9. You can meet some interesting people and get to know yourself better as well. As you become more comfortable dating and more secure in what you want and don’t want, you become more confident in your decisions.
  10. Going out on dates is always an adventure and it can help you accumulate some amazing and unbelievable stories to entertain your friends.
  11. You can take as much time as you want and keep high standards. There is no rush!
  12. You can actually find the perfect partner and spend the rest of your life together! Now that is a really nice advantage! I know I never would have met my partner any other way!

I found dating online was a great way to meet many possible partners fairly easily and it was not too expensive. I never felt stuck or pressured because I always had more options I could review and I could pause the entire process whenever I wanted to. I had fun and enjoyed spending time in the process.

I was always careful, stayed safe and listened to my heart, my gut and my head. When I saw red flags, I learned to move on quickly.

I remained authentic and comfortable and I when I found my one and only we immediately had an interesting story on how we met!

Remember you only need to find the one right one!

I have also written about the process I used for online dating. I used a strategy and it worked well for me. Find the two posts about it here:

My Preparation Strategies to Enjoy Dating Online and Offline

My Strategies to Enjoy Dating Online

Having trouble managing your separation and divorce? Want to talk about getting back into the dating scene? I can help.

Please contact me.

I do offer a strategy session.

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Image © rudall30 / depositphotos

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hire the right lawyer for family law

How to Hire the Right Lawyer for Your Separation and Divorce

Categories: Legal and Financial, The Process of Separation
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hire the right lawyer for family law

So how exactly do you hire the ‘right’ lawyer? It is kind of like finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. Some time and effort need to be put into the search!

As a divorce coach, clients often report that when faced with separation and divorce, they immediately rush out and quickly hire a lawyer without much forethought. Hiring the wrong lawyer can be a costly mistake that can impact the entire process of separation and divorce from start to finish.

If you want to be in charge of your life during the business of divorce, you have to take charge and know that you and your ex-partner are the ultimate decision-makers. Hiring professionals that align with your values and agree with your goals is very important.

You are hiring a lawyer to do some work for you. You need to decide what is important to you. Then you need to research some lawyers and ask around for recommendations. Then you need to interview at least three lawyers to find someone who is a good fit for you. Then, and only then, you put down your hard-earned money and start the legal part of your separation and divorce.

Setting up interviews with three lawyers may seem like a big investment of your valuable time, but if your case gets complicated, it will pay dividends. Hiring multiple lawyers in rapid succession is a much larger waste of your time and money. Yes, I know, early in a separation lots of things are already competing for both your time and money, but this investment of your time at the start of your divorce is well worth it.

What do you need to ask and find out? The following questions may be useful to ask:

  1. How long have they been practising family law?
  2. What percentage of their practice is family law?
  3. Do they practice collaborative law?
  4. Are they willing to go to court, on your behalf, if they need to?
  5. What are the fees and how are they calculated?
  6. How much does it cost for their average divorce and how long does it usually take?
  7. What is the best way to reach them in an emergency?
  8. What are the costs and turnaround times for phone calls, email and appointments? Clarify before you get an unexpected costly invoice!
  9. What can you do to minimize your legal costs?
  10. How can either party terminate a client/attorney relationship that is not working well?
  11. Do they personally do all the work or do they work as part of a legal team?

Remember:

  1. Your lawyer is not your therapist. Lawyers often charge by the hour, so give them a short honest outline of your situation, not the long emotional version.
  2. Be honest! If you tell the lawyer the sugarcoated version of your situation you will not get advice for the true situation. You will get the sugarcoated advice, which will not be as useful as honest feedback and basic advice.
  3. To minimize your legal fees, give the lawyers the documents they ask for when they ask for them. Making them get access to them may dramatically add to your costs.
  4. Being reasonable and fair goes a long way in getting a reasonable and fair separation agreement and divorce. Most lawyers prefer not to clean up after bad behaviour.
  5. Once the legal business of divorce is initiated, it usually makes communication with your ex-partner more difficult, not better, so try and maintain good communication if it exists. This is especially important if you have children and are co-parenting. If you can continue to talk together instead of having the lawyers start sending letters back and forth things may stay more civil.
  6. You also need to remember you get to make the decisions. The lawyer gives legal advice and suggests how to proceed, but you and your ex together are the decision-makers. It is best to keep your family decisions between you. If you go to court, a judge will be making the decisions. You and your ex-spouse will give up any control over the decisions made that will affect your family and life for years to come.
  7. Is it actually time to hire a lawyer? I usually suggest other qualified divorce professionals talk with you before you hire a lawyer to get things organized and analyzed to take to the lawyer. This is especially true if you are still in the early stages and can go with your ex-partner together for an overview of your situation as a couple entering the divorce process if you are still getting along reasonably well.

Having trouble managing your separation and divorce? I can help.

Please contact me.

I do offer a strategy session.

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Image © designer491 / depositphotos

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If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down. – Mary Pickford

Top 10 Mistakes Separated and Divorced Parents Make

Categories: Children (Young and Old), Relationships
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If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down. – Mary Pickford

The following 10 mistakes are the most common divorced parents make. If you can avoid them, your children have a much better chance of coming through a marriage breakdown with minimal damage caused by you and your ex-partner.  Share the list with your children if they are old enough and tell them to call you out on these things if either of their parents is doing them. I know my own children definitely called me out on a few all by themselves!

  1. Involving your children in your conflicts. If there is still conflict leave it between you and your ex where it belongs and keep your children out of it. Divorce does not hurt kids but conflict does! Children, even when adults, should not witness it or be forced to pick sides.
  2. Making children choose one parent over the other. Allow your children to love both parents. Do not make them choose. It is not a competition or a popularity contest. They were born with two birth parents and should always have them in their lives if possible. Making them dislike, or worse, become estranged from one parent may make you feel better about yourself but it does a great deal of damage to your children.
  3. Using your kids as a confidant.  Hire a therapist or find a friend willing to listen to your troubles. The children are capable of making up their minds on the situation eventually without hearing your detailed version of your divorce story. This behaviour makes you look small and selfish. There is no benefit to children to carry your adult issues on their shoulders.
  1. Using your kids as messengers. If you need to talk to your ex, please do it yourself! It is the adult way to behave and will avoid miscommunications and misinterpretations. It is uncomfortable for the children to put them in the middle.
  1. Using your kids as spies. If you do not know, you probably do not need to know! Focus on what you are grateful for and forget the rest as you move on with your life. Knowledge is usually good, but interest in this kind of knowledge will do nothing to heal you or improve your life.
  1. Blaming your children for your problems. When you take responsibility for your life and let your kids know on no uncertain terms that they are not responsible for your issues, the kids will be relieved. Most kids of divorced couples blame themselves, at some point, even when it makes no sense, so relieve them of this worry! Even if you think your kids do not blame themselves, please tell them they are not responsible and feel their relief.
  1. Not setting a healthy example. Set a good example and show them how you are managing and moving forward in a positive direction after your marriage ended. This is one of the best things you can do for your children. Teach them that when things happen, a positive attitude and resilience are healthy choices that are always available. Everything in life is either a success or a lesson, so learn what you can and move on.
  1. Embarrassing your children by behaving badly when you are required to be with your ex-partner. Family occasions when you are included, as well as your ex, can be awkward but you should think about it from the point of view of your children. They did not want to choose one parent so they included both of you.  Just be nice, get along and get through it. Do it for your kids so you may continue to be included in family occasions!
  1. Making ‘family time’ a competition between the parents. Caring for your kids should never be something that is viewed as a competition. Do not try to buy love or affection by throwing money and material stuff at your children. This never works well in the long run as children figure your behaviour out and start using you to get what they want. Spoiling really only creates spoiled kids and unhappy situations for everyone.
  1. Taking the other parent out of the equation with manipulation and falsehoods. If your children really cannot have a relationship with one parent due to mental health issues, an unsafe environment, or the other parent simply not wanting a relationship, then one parent is necessary and is acceptable. If you have estranged the other parent for selfish reasons, know that kids usually figure this out eventually and may resent it. This can have a big cost on your relationship in the long run. This is also a bad legal move as it will cost both parents much more to fight this out in the courts. Why make your children suffer with only one parent when they could have two parents in their lives?

 If you set and keep the intention of being a good parent of healthy well-adjusted children foremost in your mind throughout your separation and divorce, all these mistakes are easy to avoid.

If you have already made some of these mistakes, I know I did, recognize them and apologize if that makes sense. Learn from your mistakes and try to do better next time!

Please give me some topics you are interested in me discussing in my blog in the comments below!

If you are having trouble managing your separation and worried about how it will affect your children, please contact me.

I do offer a strategy session.

Warm regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse

The Separation Project Coach!

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4 Ways to Help Children Adjust During Separation and Divorce

Categories: Children (Young and Old), Relationships
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dad & child

If you are concerned, as I was, that your separation is negatively impacting your kids, take heart. During a separation or divorce, from babies to adult children, despite changes that they did not want or ask for, can manage. Much of how they are impacted will depend on how both their parents handle the situation. The following ideas all contribute to having healthy and well-adjusted children.

It is important to note that these ideas are important to use no matter what age the children are, 3 months or 30 years. Adult children can have a very difficult time with many of the same things that damage young children. Pay attention and be thoughtful and considerate to your children at any age!

1. Protect their innocence.

  • Know that divorce does not damage children. CONFLICT damages children.

If at all possible, keep conflict away from the children. They do not need to witness fighting or know about your problems. Trust that if there is a lot of conflict in a marriage, that a divorce may be a better outcome for the children in the long run.

  • Make a plan to communicate the separation.

Plan the conversation to tell the children about the separation in advance, preferably together as a couple if at all possible. A united front is always the best strategy although it can be difficult. The way you present your break up to the children will go a long way to set the stage for the entire separation and future as a family.

  • Tell the truth as simply as possible.

Do not give out more information then they need or want. Answer their questions and concerns honestly, and if you are not sure what their concerns are, simply ask them for more clarity. Kids are often thinking about completely different problems than their parents are. Different ages represent different concerns so prepare for what to expect.

  • Allow your kids to love both of their parents.

Show restraint and respect your spouse. Each time one parent is disrespected or labelled ‘bad’ it can make children think they may be ‘bad’ too. If both parents are venting about each other it can become very negative for the kids caught in the middle.

  • Do not use your kids as a confidant or therapist.

Take responsibility for your own issues and concerns. Children are already dealing with their own stresses with the changing family dynamic and do not need to be burdened with your problems or privy to all the sordid details. Adult children have enough to handle with day-to-day living; please try hard not to burden them with your issues.

  • Do not use your children as messengers.

If you have something to tell your ex-partner, tell them yourself. The kids should never be put in the middle of your conversations.

  • Do not use your kids as spies.

If you do not know, you probably do not need to know! Focus on what you are grateful for and forget the rest as you move on with your life.

  • Remain the parent.

Your children should not look after you. You, as the parent, need to look after meeting your own needs. Sadly, some families reverse their roles during hard times and the kids become their parent’s caregivers. This is not healthy for anyone. Support is available if you are having trouble coping. Seek out a professional, a trusted friend or family member.

2. Keep positive.

  • Provide security.

The children need to feel secure. Reassure them that everything will be okay in the long run. It will be different, but it will be okay.

  • Continuity and consistency amid the change is important.

Introduce change when necessary, but keep continuity with the positive things in the past as well as between the two new homes when possible.

  • Affirm that as their parents you both will continue to love them.

The family is changing and dividing but the love will continue and both parents will remain their parents. Young kids especially need to hear this.

  • Set a healthy example.

Keep repeating the mantra “Everything will work out”, and “This too will pass”. Believe that it will! Trust that you will all be fine. The kids will follow your lead!

  • Keep the change positive.

Try to accept the changes and keep them positive instead of putting up resistance and wasting a lot of energy on negativity. The best way to ensure that the kids will be okay with the way things are is for the children to see you setting the example that you are managing.

  • Acknowledge that you have feelings and so will the kids.

It’s okay to be human and acknowledge a wide range of emotions, those with both positive and negative sounding labels like ‘happy’, ‘sad’ and ‘angry’. Healthy handling of your emotions and reactions will set an example that it is okay to be human. Remember that all feelings are valid, even when they’re not very helpful. Just acknowledging that they are being felt is better than saying their feelings are ‘wrong’.

  • Tell the kids that the separation is not their fault and not their problem to fix.

Children often blame themselves and try to fix things, so make sure they understand the problems are between you and your spouse. Own your problems. Be reassuring that your kids, no matter their age, are not responsible for solving any of their parent’s issues. If you see your kids trying to fix things for you, acknowledge their efforts, tell them you are handling it, and explain that your top wish is for them to be the children they are!

  • Choose your words carefully.

Framing with the right language can be helpful. Keep your words positive and simple. A broken home can be a two-family home, a failed marriage is really just a marriage that has ended, joint custody is co-parenting, visitation is just time to be with one parent, the ex-wife/ex-husband is just your child’s mom/dad.

3. Slow down. Allow time for the children to grieve and adjust to the changes.

  • The children, no matter their age, will need time to adjust to the changes taking place in their family. Allow them this time and be patient.
  • Often a separation is brewing a few years in at least one partner before it is acted on. Often much of the emotional grief work is done before the separation is even mentioned out loud. Give the kids time to catch up emotionally and adjust to your new reality.
  • Divorce usually takes longer than you think it will. Prepare as if it is a marathon, not a sprint. Allow your kids time to settle in, gain strength and stamina, before proceeding with more changes.

4. Be available to your children.

  • Be present and treasure the moments you are with your children.

Young kids have a wonderful way to draw us out of our past issues and future concerns and into the present moment. Enjoy being present and know that just being there and available is important to your children.

  • Cherish your children.

Children need to know they are listened to, cared for and important to you. Cherishing them is also a great life lesson so they will learn to cherish their loved ones!

  • Spend quality time with your kids.

Just being physically there can be reassuring to children. They do not need ‘stuff’ like a Disney vacation as much as they simply need positive downtime with you.

  • Provide love, humour and affection daily.

Life will go on. Change is one of the few things that we can always count on, so start a daily habit of love and affection and do not forget to sprinkle some humour on top. Laughter is good for everybody! Finding humour in the situations you find yourself in during a separation is a true release. I remember many times laughing about the ironies and the ridiculous situations I went through. Try to keep your sense of humour!

If you are having trouble managing your separation and worried about how it will affect your children, please contact me.

I do offer a strategy session.

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Copyright © 2016 Pam Mirehouse

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How you tell your children about your marriage breakdown can make a big difference to your future family dynamics. Avoid regrets by following these guidelines.

How to Tell Your Children that You Are Separating: My Regrets and Tips.

Categories: Children (Young and Old), Relationships, The Process of Separation
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How you tell your children about your marriage breakdown can make a big difference to your future family dynamics. Avoid regrets by following these guidelines.

Regrets? Yes, I have had a few. When my marriage ended I regretted how the discussion was handled with our two pre-teen daughters:

First, we told them at different times, because one was away when the decision to separate was made. I regret that we did not tell them together so they had each other for support. It would have been easier for them to handle it together as sisters. My youngest knew over a week before her sister due to circumstance. It would have been far better for them to learn the news together.

Second, I was not there when my youngest daughter learned we were separating.  I was myself reeling and numb. I felt if my ex-husband wanted to end the marriage it was his responsibility to tell her.  This was stupid and short-sighted thinking. I immediately regretted my decision as she cried herself to sleep and I had no idea what she had been told, what she was thinking or how to help her cope. What was ‘said’ became more evident over time as I answered questions and concerns she had. First-hand knowledge of the discussion would have made me a more useful parent to support her.

How you tell your children about your marriage breakdown can make a big difference to your future family dynamics! It doesn’t matter if your kids are young, or are adults with kids of their own. Please plan how you will introduce your separation to your family! Children can be resilient and will get through almost anything, but preparation and planning will go a long way to ease the transition.

1. Planning, or at least thinking it through ahead of time, lays out a good foundation for how your entire separation will go for the children.

Why are you breaking up?

You and your ex should be able to explain why you are separating, so agree ahead of time on how to best do this. Keep adult problems and blame out of it. You can simply say you are not getting along and want to live apart.

Who should be there?

Ideally, both parents presenting a united front is the best scenario. Telling all the kids together is the best way for them to hear the same story at the same time and be there to support each other. Is there someone important to your kids that may be helpful to include to support the kids? Let them know what is happening ahead of time so they are aware and can offer help if and when your children reach out.

How will you script it?

Choose what you need to say carefully. Keep it simple and respectful of all the parties involved. Children are good at asking questions that they want to be answered. They will ask what they want to know, so don’t overwhelm them with all the details all at once. Be honest and answer what you can.

Be prepared to answer basic questions like:

  • Where will they live?
  • Who will they live with?
  • Will they need to move and change schools?

Where should you do it?

Be somewhere that the children can get emotional without feeling embarrassed.  Being in a place where they can find comfort and support is ideal.  Some children may want time alone in their room or wish to seek out a supportive adult other than a parent.

When should you do it?

Once it is a fact that you are separating, you need to let the children know within a reasonable timeline. Pick when will work with as little drama as possible. Try not to do it on a special occasion, like a birthday, or throw the news out during an argument. Do not delay too long as no time will be perfect. Planning the conversation details really will be helpful.

2. What your kids should be told:

They are not responsible for the problems that ended your marriage.

Kids often take on responsibility for their parent’s separation, blaming themselves. They may feel that if they had just behaved better, or (fill in the blank), things would have worked out. Be emphatic that your relationship ending is not their fault.

Their mom and dad will still be their mom and dad.

Divorce does change a lot of things but it does not change who your true parents are.

Their mom and dad will always love them.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe in the midst of the process, but keep repeating that both you and your ex-spouse love them and that separation does not change that.

Things will be okay eventually.

Separation is difficult but you will manage. You don’t need to be perfect. Mistakes make us human! Children cope much better when you, as a healthy adult, set an example and demonstrate that you are coping well. It is not easy so please ask for help especially if you feel you are not managing well! Seek professional help as needed.

3. Be available to answer ongoing questions and concerns.

It will take a while for the new reality to sink in. Ask in a day or two if the children have any new concerns. Sometimes children start to worry about silly things that we can help them with.

Telling the children on your own:

If you and your partner are not agreeing on how to do this because of high conflict, or lack of agreement, and you really need to tell the children on your own, remember these points too:

  • Know that divorce and separation do not damage kids; the research shows that conflict does the damage. Kids are always better off within a separated family than in a high conflict family.
  • Never talk badly about their other parent. Children know they are half mom and half dad so when you speak badly about one side or the other of their family you make them feel bad about themselves. If you are both doing this, it makes them feel 100% bad. Do not discuss their other parent within earshot, as they will, at some point, overhear you. Be thoughtful and keep them out of the battle instead of trying to make them pick sides.

Yes, telling your children you are separating is difficult, but a little planning can make a big difference now and into the future.  Separation is never an easy event to navigate.

Your kids are worth it! They will always be your kids and will be there throughout your life if you treat them well and teach them using your own thoughtful behaviour as an example. Set the goal of an intentional healthy separation and remember that goal when things get tough!

If you are having trouble managing your separation and are worried about how it will affect your children, please contact me.

I do offer a strategy session. Let’s talk so I can review my services and how you can benefit from coaching.

See also my related blogs, about children of divorce, you may be interested in:

  • Separation and Divorce Intentions and Goals: The What, How and Why Guide
  • How to Create or Keep a ‘Healthy Divorced Family’ Despite Separation

Warm regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Copyright © 2016 Pam Mirehouse

Image © Christin_Lola / depositphotos

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happy healthy children

How to Create or Keep a ‘Healthy Divorced Family’ Despite Separation

Categories: Children (Young and Old), Ex-Partner, Relationships
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happy healthy children

Setting the goal or intention of having a ‘healthy divorced family’ during separation and divorce is a very important decision to make. It is a good thing to recall clearly and often during the difficult moments and decisions that will surface during the separation process. It is especially important for your children. The right mindset and goal can relieve some of the negative emotions during day to day life as a single or co-parent.

Thinking about how the kids will benefit is infinitely better when you are adjusting to the thought of your ex-partner having a new puppy at their house! The intention helps emphasize the fact that you can choose to be happy with the fact that your kids now have a new opportunity to bond with a puppy (and extra bonus, you do not have to deal with the house training stains). You can then release any jealousy without buying any kittens to compete, and can avoid adding to the competition with a Disney vacation! It becomes a Win/Win instead of a Win/Lose and it is really just your thinking that has changed.

Place a picture of your kids as you want them to be, like the picture for this post, happy, laughing children, as a constant reminder of your overriding goal of a healthy family and happy, well-adjusted kids.

What is a healthy divorced family? It is very much like a regular healthy family.

  • A family that learns from mistakes and fixes things instead of blaming.
  • A family where both parents can be counted on to keep their word and be available.
  • A family where kids are allowed to act their age.
  • A family that encourages healthy dialogue and answers questions with both honesty and simplicity.
  • A family where no topic is off-limits.
  • A family that remains flexible and has a problem-solving mindset.
  • A family that provides love, humour, and affection daily.
  • A family that models good self-care and self-respect.
  • A family that keeps adult conflict between the adults.
  • A family with both parents are actively involved in parenting.
  • A family where the parents are not competing with each other.
  • A family where the parents respect each other even when they disagree.

 Divorced Families Co parentingA healthy family really doesn’t change much with a separation or a divorce except:

  1. Conflict may be more evident. Research is clear that divorce does not hurt kids – conflict does – so keep adult conflict away from your children.
  2. There are usually two households. One for each parent, so there may need to be different rules and expectations at each home. Keeping things clear and consistent is helpful to kids. Children will cope best when they understand and can make sense of both the similarities and differences.
  3. You need to grow from what may be dysfunctional to two versions of functional. You need to trust that your ex can and will be a good parent even if they have disappointed you as a spouse. Let go of the need to be right or better and embrace the differences. Let your kids know that they will be safe and okay at both mom’s home and dad’s home. (If you have any doubts, seek professional help!)
  4. Good communication between parents becomes more critical and more difficult with two busy households and separate lives. I recommend Our Family Wizard to simplify things.
  5. Good communication between the absent parent and their children is critical but should be limited to emergencies or reasonable requests from the kids. Do not disrupt your child’s time with your ex. Respect their time to be together and expect your time with the kids will also be respected.
  6. Do not change how you make decisions. When making decisions, always ask yourself, is the fact that you are a divorced or separated affecting what you decide? If so – why? Just examine what you are thinking and why! Are you really deciding what will be best for your children?

Most kids, according to the statistics, come through a family breakdown fairly well if they have the support and help they need available. As separation and divorce become more common and are more accepted, our kids are less stigmatized and doing better than they did a few decades ago. I hope you and your ex can agree to try to keep it healthy and prioritize what your children need. If you both love your kids and prioritize them, and agree to set the intention of a healthy family despite the divorce, you can create a more workable family dynamic immediately and well into the future.

If cooperation is not something you have as a co-parent you can still make this your intention for the sake of your kids and try to live by it as best you can. It will still be a helpful mindset.

As a Divorce Coach, I can help you better handle the overwhelming experience of a separation or divorce. Please contact me and we can work together on making things easier for your children and you!

I do offer a strategy session.

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

 

Disclosure: This post includes an affiliate link, which means I will earn a small commission if you make a purchase.

Copyright © 2016 Pam Mirehouse

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What’s your dream outcome that you want at the end of your divorce?

Separation and Divorce Intentions and Goals: The What, How and Why Guide

Categories: The Journey, The Process of Separation
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What’s your dream outcome that you want at the end of your divorce?

The most important question to answer as you start your separation is “What is the outcome that I want at the end of this divorce?”

Setting up your intentions for the results you desire, the earlier the better can help make your separation more manageable. When you look back 5 years from now, what will your divorce look like? Will you be proud of what you have accomplished? Will you like the person you were during the process?

First, what exactly is an intention?

It is the goal, dream or desired outcome that you would like to create.

When I went through my separation I set several intentions.

  1. I vowed that I would do everything in my power to raise healthy, well-adjusted kids despite the ending of my marriage.
  2. I wanted to be fair to my ex and keep the financial cost of the divorce to a minimum (send our kids to school instead of sending the lawyer’s kids to school – an old expression, but so often forgotten in divorce).
  3. I put dating on hold for at least a year to allow myself time to settle into being single and start healing my heart.
  4. I intended, eventually, to create a healthy love relationship.

How do you ‘Set an Intention’?

1. Clarify and define what it is you would like in your life.

Say it out loud, write it down and picture it in your mind. How will it feel when you accomplish this goal and are looking back over your life?

2. Ask yourself if you believe it is possible.

Letting go of your limiting beliefs is sometimes the hardest step. Yes, you CAN, you are WORTHY!

3. Share your intention.

Release it to the universe and see what happens. Having others to remind you when you are straying and to celebrate your successes is helpful!

4. Create reminders of what your intention is so you see them daily.

For example, place a picture or object that makes you think of your intention where you will notice it and think about it often. Make a dream board!

5. Take action.

Do small steps to work towards this intention.

6. Stay open to receive what you have asked for.

Things sometimes come in unexpected ways so keep an open mind and keep thinking of all the possibilities.

Set your intentions on the result you are seeking, and then hold on for the ride. Separation and divorce are usually a bumpy and rough ride and an intention can help keep your eyes focused on the end results.

If you have no goal, intention or desired outcome, you may get pulled every which way each time an issue comes up. With a set intention you are reminded of what you want. A goal will keep you from reacting emotionally and will hopefully keep you from engaging in useless struggles that can pull you further down destructive paths that lead nowhere.

If you get caught up in conflict and worry about what is fair, what is right, what is wrong, what is ‘good’ behaviour and what is ‘bad’ behaviour from your spouse, there are some very costly consequences. The legal costs, the emotional costs, the social costs during the separation will increase. Do not engage. Try to avoid or de-escalate the conflict. It will be very difficult, but with some good intentions set, it is like a light at the end of the tunnel and you will know that you can reach your goal eventually.

For example:

Intention: I wanted to be fair to my ex and keep the financial cost of the divorce to a minimum.

When you get stuck on who gets the garden shears in your division of assets (true story), it will cost you thousands of dollars to have the lawyers fight it out, and no one will be happy with the result but the lawyers!  Instead, you let the shears go to your ex and replace them for at a nominal price. This saves you a lot of legal and personal emotional costs and you can simply move on!

Separation and divorce are never easy. Setting positive intentions can help with the fall-out and minimize the damage to you and your family, so keep your eyes on the prize!

Can I help you clarify and set your intentions? Contact me! I offer divorce coaching to help you come through your divorce with results you can be proud of!

I do offer a strategy session.

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Copyright © 2016 Pam Mirehouse

Image © tashatuvango / depositphotos

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Previous Posts

  • The 7 Big Mistakes That Sabotage Separation & Divorce Negotiations
  • Separation Mistake #4: Avoiding Difficult Conversations
  • Separation Mistake #3: Giving all Your Power Away to Your Now Ex-Partner
  • Separation Mistake #2: Not being your ‘BEST-SELF’
  • Separation & Divorce Mistake #1: Not Making Your Own Self-Care a Priority
  • New Year – Need New Divorce Goals?
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