Author Archive for: Pam Mirehouse

Happiness

Happiness is an Inside Job

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness, Relationships
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Happiness

Many years before I separated, fairly early on in my marriage, I was told emphatically by a helpful professional: “You are NOT responsible for your partner’s happiness. They are 100% responsible for their own happiness and unhappiness. It has nothing to do with you.”

I felt such an amazing flood of relief. I remember crying very hard, full on messy sobbing. I had felt tremendous responsibility for a clinical depression. Over the years we had talked about things a lot, worked on ways to improve our lives and eventually sought professional help.

I had found that most of what I did to ‘fix’ our relationship was not helping much. I was at a loss on how to improve the situation. What I was doing to try and buoy my partner up was making me more miserable and not helping him. Looking back I want to emphasize that “I” was part of the problem.

Over time I had given up much of my own identity. I stopped doing what I liked doing, stopped having time or energy to do what brought me joy and worked hard and focused on trying to solve the problems that kept coming up in our relationship around unhappiness – not my unhappiness but the unhappiness of my partner.

I gave up my hobbies, my joys, my dreams and even most of my social connections and my job. (Yes – I encouraged a moved away from my entire support system because he was unhappy and I thought moving to another company in another city would help!) Trying to make or keep someone else happy is exhausting. Of course, the new job in the new city was great for a short while. Then the same issues surfaced and we were right back at square one. This time I had little support as all my friends and family were miles away.

Finally being told that I was not responsible for another person’s unhappiness was a true gift. It was not my job to drag another to find happiness – especially since I now realize that they did not have the same ideals or values.

I still worked on things for many years before my marriage did finally end, but knowing what I know now I think I would have done more to improve my own situation much earlier. I had felt a sense of duty and obligation which kept me invested in an unhappy marriage far longer than I should have stayed. I was throwing everything I could at fixing the problem when it wasn’t really my problem to fix.

I have since figured out that:

  • Happiness really is an ‘inside’ job.
  • You choose how you feel and can to a large extent control how you feel.
  • No one ‘hurts your feelings’ – you choose to be hurt.
  • Not everyone wants to be happy.
  • You cannot change anyone except YOURSELF. You can do things that affect others but you cannot change or control how other people think, feel, react and act.
  • Others need to WANT TO CHANGE themselves to create any change.
  • Changing oneself is hard work. You need desire as well as time, energy and persistence.

Please contact me if you would like help navigating through your separation or divorce. I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse|
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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Who is Responsible for How You Feel?

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness
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Often, a separation or divorce brings up some very difficult to manage emotions. We usually blame our ex-partners for all our difficult hurt feelings. It must be their fault that you feel sad, mad, bad or even glad.

May I suggest that your feelings are actually much more under your control than you realize? Emotions are your choice. Difficult feelings will not completely disappear, but I find it very comforting to understanding that you have some control over your own emotions.

Feelings work like this:

  • Circumstances happen and create a ‘situation’.
  • Your beliefs dictate the story you tell yourself about the ‘situation’.
  • This story is your version of the truth – it really is just your story or narrative about the ’situation’ according to what you believe and how you interpret things.
  • The story you tell yourself will affect how you think about the situation.
  • How you feel will be dictated by your own thoughts.
  • Then you react to your own story. Your interpretation of the situation, with the actions you think are appropriate to take, or you decide to take no action at all.
  • This reaction, or lack of action, will dictate the results you get.
  • So, it is really all about what story your thoughts are creating – HOW AND WHAT YOU ARE THINKING – that will dictate how you feel in any given situation and how you will respond.
  • If you stop for a moment between the ‘situation’ and the ‘story’, can you change your thoughts, feelings and actions? YES, you can change your interpretation of the situation!
  • Try not to take everything personally. Often things have much less to do with you than you think. Try to understand the actions of the others involved. Feel empathy for them and things will be much easier to handle.

So, in summary – you decide how you will feel about any given situation by telling yourself a story. Is the story true? Are things perhaps different than what you see? What were the true intentions others actually may have had? Examine your assumptions and look for other possible explanations.

Byron Katie developed an amazing and original tool around managing feelings that you can use whenever you are finding a situation difficult to manage emotionally. Her tool is called simply ‘The Work’. ’The Work’ is a process that asks questions then uses some ’turnaround’ questions that can completely change the story you are telling yourself.

Try it! I use an app called ‘The Work of Byron Katie’ which takes you through the entire process on a smartphone. If you would rather get the paper version, Byron Katie’s website is simply thework.com – please check it out. You can find Byron Katie’s Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet here.

My favourite parts of ‘The Work’ are these three questions:

  1. Is it true? How do you really know it is true?
  2. Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?
  3. Who would you be without the thought?

Let me know what you think about how knowing the way you are thinking about a situation can change how you feel, how you act, and ultimately your results.

Please contact me if you would like help navigating your separation or divorce. I can help you better manage the overwhelm.

I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach

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Blue Skies Ahead! Separation and Divorce Seminar and Support Group

Rebuilding Your Life After Separation and Divorce

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness
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Blue Skies Ahead! Separation and Divorce Seminar and Support Group

My sleep was fretful.
My appetite was non-existent.
I lost over 30 pounds and felt sick most of the time.
I got compliments on how “great” I looked.
“Thanks,” my ‘happy mask’ said.
Everyone wanted to know my weight loss secret!
I would not say it was unrelenting STRESS!
No one knew what I was going through during our “marital crisis.”
I didn’t want anyone to judge us if we stayed together.
He finally decided to end our 20-year marriage.
It was a relief.
No more trying to understand things that made no sense to me.
No more walking on eggshells.
No more conflict avoidance.
I felt euphoric.
I felt terrified.
I felt sad.
I had a deep feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach.

Separation and divorce changed every aspect of my life.
Nothing remained the same.
Our kids, our friends and family, our finances, our home and all our possessions were on the table being divided up.
Our life, our memories, our shared history and our privacy – everything no longer held between just the two of us.
Everything was out there in the world, very public, looking tainted and ugly.
Years of ‘good’ memories downgraded with new knowledge.
You never understand the extent of the losses until you are in the thick of it.
Rebuilding from the rubble after my relationship ended was very difficult and took time.
Sometimes I wondered if I would ever feel okay again.
Emotions were in high gear and logic was in low gear!
Ironically this is the precise time when I needed good logic and competent decision-making skills.

I came through it all, did the hard work involved and emerged better on the other side.
Stronger, more confident and ready to choose what I wanted to include in my life.
I knew exactly what I was looking for and started taking small steps to get where I wanted to be.

Now more than 12 years have passed since my separation.
I have rebuilt every aspect of my life.
There are few reminders of my previous life around me except my children and a few true friends.
I enjoy a healthy relationship with an amazing man.
I have a new extended family that loves me.
I gained some great kids and grandchildren along the way!
I call a different house in a different city home.
I have a new career.
Life is very good.

Looking back, I did a lot of the right things.
I am grateful I did okay.
One thing that helped was called a course I joined. This course and support group gave me insights into my emotions, clarity about what I did want, issues to think about and act on, basically a pathway to rebuilding my life and the support of others in similar circumstances.
I am trained as a divorce coach so I can now help others overcome the hurdles which separation creates, cleaner and more efficiently than I did.

I am excited to announce I am offering a rebuilding course, which I call ‘Blue Skies Ahead!’ again this fall.
Based on the same foundation as the course I took years ago, with some updating and creativity to make it current for people right now, it starts with ‘denial’ and goes through 19 ‘rebuilding blocks’ to end with ‘freedom’.
Freedom to be yourself.
Freedom to create the life YOU want to live.

Blue Skies Ahead! Is being offered in Dundas, Ontario again starting Thursday, September 20thth and running until November 29th, 2018 from 7pm-10pm. (No class the week of Oct. 4th.)
I want to support, guide and motivate you through your stress and help you rediscover your strengths and dreams!
Support through the difficult lessons!
Guidance to apply what you are learning!
Motivation to step up and create the life you want right now!

Hope to see you there!

Please visit ‘Blue Skies Ahead!’ Healing Through Divorce for more information or to pre-register.

If you cannot come to Dundas to participate in person, please email me, as I may offer this course online. Let me know you want to take it and I will create it if I get enough interest! I really am here to help you through your time of need!

I also offer 1:1 divorce coaching.
Please feel free to contact me.
Email: Pam@TheSeparationProject.ca
Phone: 289-237-4419

Warmly,

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach!

(This blog was first published at TheSeparationProject.ca in 2016 and has been updated for 2018.)

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7 Ideas about the Intense Emotions Felt during Separation and Divorce.

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness
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  1. The emotions usually felt during separation and divorce do follow a pattern.

  1. You, and others in your family, although you are on the same journey, will probably be at very different places and feeling very different emotions.

  • The stages and feelings will be similar but the start and end of the journey will not match up, so you will usually be at different stages of the same journey which will make things more contentious and difficult.
  • Usually the person that has decided to initiate leaving the relationship is emotionally further along in their journey than the person being left. Two years ahead is often the normal situation. This is why, early during my own separation, I was so upset as my life crumbled around me to see my ex appearing at peace and even positive about the situation!

  1. No-one has control over how anyone else feels – you can only control how you feel about your own situation, react and act.

  • Feelings are just that – feelings – they are never wrong or bad they just are.
  • You cannot speed anyone else through the process no matter how frustrated you may be that they are taking too much time to ‘get over it’ or are being ‘unreasonable’.
  • The children, if there are children, will also experience a similar pathway through the breakup, but they will have little control about how things end up for them or their parents. They too will probably be in a different spot in the valley – usually behind their parents. Please show acceptance of whatever they are feeling, and show them patience wherever they are emotional. Validating how they are feeling can be very powerful.
  • If your kids do manage to handle their emotions well, do not let them become the parental figures in your family! Own up to your emotional issues and be the parent. Children really do deserve a childhood!

  1. Grief is part of the separation process which can surprise some people.

  • Some cannot understand why there is ‘grief’ at all. With no funeral or body, why do we need to grieve? Trust me, your relationship, as you knew it, is dead and you do need to process the situation if you are separating as true grief.
  • Grief will always take longer than you think. Let yourself have lots of time and be very patient with yourself.
  • Grief is a bit like ocean waves lapping at your feet on a beach. The waves will ebb and flow. Some waves will barely touch your toes and some will knock you over with their power. A big wave of grief can suddenly hit you with no warning and you are right back in the thick of your full emotions. Thankfully, like waves in the ocean, it will also subside and the next wave will hit with less power over you. I remember driving the car, and suddenly finding myself crying so hard it hurt. I wasn’t even sure what triggered the outburst, but as quickly as it started, it was over.

  1. Thinking about emotions as transient can help. Feelings come up and pass through just like the clouds in the sky, or bad weather.

  • When you get emotional about something, it will always pass. Eventually, every emotion will dissipate and change to another emotion.
  • If you know that your feelings will pass like the weather, you can observe them with more acceptance and less judgment.
  • Don’t label your emotions as good or bad. They just are! If they come up, accept them as they come.
  • Often, if you just suppress your feelings or try to avoid them, the same emotions will keep resurfacing in your life. The struggle to keep fighting with your own emotions will drain your energy. It is better to feel the feelings and release the emotional energy as best you can.

  1. You will be pulled through emotional highs and lows a bit like a rollercoaster.

  • Sometimes the feelings may change quickly and sometimes they will come and go more slowly, but change they will.
  • You will get pulled back into emotional stages you think you have finished and resolved.

  1. The high-intensity fight or flight response is often triggered during separation and divorce.

Please contact me if you would like help with your separation and divorce.

I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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Emotional Hijacking During Separation and Divorce Explained

Categories: Emotional Coping
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Good decision making during separation and divorce is often hijacked by strong, out of control and overwhelming emotional reactions. Just when you need your logic, creativity and problem-solving skills the most, your thinking brain shuts down, and you become very reactive and unable to think straight. This emotional response to perceived danger is due to the fight or flight response. I do find that a simple understanding of how this reaction is triggered, and your emotions arise, can help people manage better during separation and divorce.

Our human brain consists of 3 basic parts according to Paul Maclean and his Triune Concept of Brain and Behaviour. This theory suggests your brain has evolved to have three basic components built on top of each other. This blog is my very simplified understanding of Paul’s theory.

The reptilian brain (our basic instincts evolved):

The reptilian brain is the most ancient part of our brain and it is constantly scanning the horizon for danger and threats. Like a lizard watching for some imminent threat, we still constantly search for danger and are ready to react instinctively. When a threat is detected the reptilian brain immediately goes into what is often called the ‘fight or flight response’. This response makes us ready to either fight for our very survival or run away from the danger. This is a great response if you are a lizard. Lizards do not have emotions and usually react with automatic or ritualistic patterns created to resist change. Reptiles do not get emotional like we do and just fight to protect themselves or run away.

The mammalian brain (our emotions evolved):

The mammalian brain is the source of our basic emotions. Our emotions help us view events as agreeable or disagreeable so we can learn to both avoid pain and seek pleasure. Emotions help us store our memories and learn new things. A key difference between a reptile and a mammal is that you cannot teach a reptile tricks but you can train a mammal. Mammals are capable of learning new behaviours because they have emotion. Emotions are considered a good thing because they allow us to learn and change our reactions.

The primate brain (logical thinking brain or neo-cortex evolved):

The primate brain is the seat of higher thinking, reason, and logic. This is where our human intelligence, or lack thereof, sits. This primate brain actually has limited direct control over your emotional mammalian brain and almost no control over the reactive reptilian brain. In short, you cannot ‘will’ your emotional brain to do much, or your reptilian brain to do anything. You can, however, teach yourself to react to your emotions and instincts in desired ways, continue to learn from them and choose to respond differently.

When you have a fight or flight response triggered, common in arguments during separation and divorce, your body instinctively reacts and floods your body with chemical messengers that cause you to prepare for a fight or run away. As the body floods with these messengers, we feel them as our emotions. The higher thinking brain, in a fight or flight response, actually gets shut down as your pounding heart redirects blood to your large muscles to fight or to escape. Interestingly, this response means that you cannot think well at all and definitely cannot make a good logical decision until the chemical messengers work their way out of your system.

How can you best cope with the hijacking of your emotions?

  • Recognize that the flight or fight reaction is a normal and very human reaction.
  • Learn to recognize when you are being emotionally hijacked by how you feel.
  • Acknowledge that your emotional state is not serving the situation, and you would like to return to the problem when you are calmer and more able to think and talk.
  • Remove yourself from the situation quickly – before things are said or done you will regret later.
  • Allow yourself the time for the chemical messengers to clear out of your system – this normally takes a minimum of 20 minutes and longer if you are repeatedly triggered. Give yourself the time needed to break down the adrenaline and return to a more normal state.
  • Physical activity like a run or heavy exertion can help speed up the depletion of the adrenaline in your system and help your recovery faster.
  • Wait for calmness to return and your thinking brain to come back online before you return to the situation that triggered you.
  • In separation and divorce, it not only makes a lot of sense to give yourself time to calm down and be able to reason again,it also makes good sense to let your partner, soon to be your former partner, to do the same if you want both or you to make better decisions and reach any agreement.
  • Be patient. You can only communicate clearly. This includes listening and actually hearing what is being said, as well as responding reasonably when your thinking brain is capable of it.
  • You can only negotiate well, with reasonable outcomes, when you are both calm and not overreacting emotionally.
  • Practice good self-care to keep yourself healthy to help you increase your resilience to overreacting.

Please contact me if you would like more help dealing with your emotions!

I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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How Divorce Coaching Can Save You Big Money

Categories: The Process of Separation
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I passionately believe that hiring me as your Divorce Coach can actually save you money – big money! I often find people resistant to paying for specialized professional services during their separation and divorce, because they feel that the legal costs are already overwhelming them. There are some very helpful divorce specialists that can save you money in the long-run, which I always recommend before the lawyers get involved! A Divorce Coach can honestly help you minimize your overall divorce costs – the financial cost, the toll on your health and well-being, and the often extensive damage to your family.

How can a Divorce Coach save you money?

1. Avoiding the common mistakes and blind spots.

Often in the middle of a marriage breakdown, it is hard to see other perspectives, except your own. As an outsider looking in on your situation I can much more easily see what you are avoiding, ignoring and not aware of. I can help you navigate away from the common mistakes and point out your blind spots with honesty and understanding.

2. Helping you find the correct path through.

Most couples going through a separation and divorce have never been through it before. Often friends and family try and help by giving advice and sharing stories of how a friend of a friend had a horrible divorce. Misunderstood ideas and just plain incorrect information can cause you to spend a lot of time and money doing things that are not helpful for you! I can help you find your best pathway through a separation and divorce because I help people successfully navigate similar issues all the time. I share knowledge and resources that will be tailored to your unique situation and will help you avoid wasting your energy, money and time on things that will not help your situation or outcomes.

3. Help you become a more credible divorce client.

I make you a more credible client for the other divorce professionals you will be hiring, so you spend less money and time on things that are unnecessary or out of their comfort zone. Going to the right professional for what you actually need, and only what you need, and only using those professionals you do need, is as important when hourly rates are high. I help you sort out what you need, how you can get it and from who, most efficiently. We can then get you organized for effective meetings that will minimize your costs.

4. Keep you focused on your intentions and avoid costly detours.

One of the most important functions I perform as a Divorce Coach is to keep you focused on what outcomes you want and how you are more likely to get them while being your ‘best self’. Staying true to your values and behaving well really does help create better outcomes for everyone. If you look back at this time in your life 5 years from now, will you be proud of how your divorce went? Will you feel shame, or will you still be fully engaged in an ongoing conflict?

I am very passionate about people having better outcomes, more timely resolutions and being able to maintain a reasonable relationship with their ex-partner. The benefits of coaching to your health and well-being, your finances, your time and your energy level can really add up. I do wish that I had found a divorce coach, like myself, to help me out when I navigated my own separation. If Divorce Coaches had existed back then – finding one with my best interests at heart and the experience to help me go through the process with more ease, would have been wonderful.

Please contact me to discuss how my divorce coaching works. I do offer a free strategy session and would be honoured to talk with you about your situation.

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach in Dundas

 

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The Emotional Journey Through Separation and Divorce – What Should YOU Expect?

Categories: The Journey, The Process of Separation, Uncategorized
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emotional journey

The emotions you experience during a marriage breakup are usually gut-wrenching and much more difficult to navigate than you expect. Nothing can really prepare you for the intensity of your feelings or the length of time your emotions will be hard to handle. I have found that knowing what to expect and knowing you will get to a better place are the two most helpful ideas for dealing with your emotions through this difficult time.

Being a divorce coach, I know that each separation and divorce is a unique situation and people going through the separation and divorce journey will handle their emotions differently but there is a pattern in the emotions most people do experience.

The emotional journey through separation and divorce can be thought of as a grief but it is more complicated than grief experienced when someone dies because you have to add the ongoing interaction dynamics to the emotional journey. Both members of the couple usually grieve the relationship separately, but their partner is still involved, and they will continue to interact, react and act out together which can add a lot of misery to the grief.

To add to the already difficult emotional journey the timing is often different for each person in the couple. The person that leaves the marriage has often done a lot of the grief work before they make their plans to separate common knowledge. This means that although couples’ journeys are similar they will often find themselves at very different points along the path. This leads to more hurt and frustration as your life falls to pieces and your ex-spouse appears unmoved, or you are ready to move on and your partner is in deep denial and very unready to accept a divorce, let alone negotiate towards it.

I will describe the normal emotions that my clients usually feel when they go through their separation or divorce as a path through an emotional valley.

Plateau before a separation:

On one side of this valley is your life up until now. Emotions here are your normal day-to-day ones. I am sure there have been some ups and downs. Good and bad things have happened in your life, but your feelings have probably been fairly manageable and you have been supported by your partner, hopefully in difficult times, when emotions ran high. It was relatively easy to feel healthy and your life and emotions felt ‘normal’.

A steep valley descent starts:

As you begin to get a gut feeling of coming problems and when the thought of a possible separation flickers into your head, you will start down the edge of a steep valley.

The first emotion is usually denial. Denial is good in that it does protect you while you adjust to the thoughts you are experiencing.

As the reality of a separation sets in, there is usually a steep slide that starts quickly.

Shock and denial often come hand in hand and you will usually start to feel anxiety and fear.

Loneliness, guilt, rejection and blame may all visit you during your decent.

Fear is probably the most dominant emotion as you descend into the valley because your future has become a big unknown.

Anger may start and be very overwhelming. Why is this happening to you? It all seems very unfair. Anger can actually be a good emotion to feel at this stage as it makes it easier for you to start taking action to help yourself better your situation. However, vengeful actions fuelled by anger directed at others or yourself are not okay.

You have now reached the bottom of the valley and are in full grief. It is essential to grieve the death of your relationship. It is healthy to allow yourself time to adjust and work through all of these emotions as they surface.

Across the bottom of the valley:

At the bottom of the valley are confusion, frustration, stress, anxiety, sadness, skepticism, depression, loneliness. All of these things are very difficult to bear. These are the lowest feelings and the darkest places to get through in this valley. Usually, our energy is low and we need lots of rest and self-care. You may need to ask for help to get through some of the difficult emotions you are feeling.

I want to emphasize how difficult grief for a dead relationship is, and how it is very normal.

Take your time and know that the emotions you feel and believe you have passed through will resurface, probably less intensely and for less time, but it is a bit of back and forth. All that is normal and part of the process. We often talk about the journey as a rollercoaster ride!

Up the far side of the valley:

When you reach the far side of the valley, you start up the other side – a steep climb but a very satisfying one starts with acceptance of the situation. With acceptance, new emotions start to uplift you and help carry you out of the valley. You start to become more creative again. Problem-solving becomes easier as your thinking brain is hijacked less often by the fight and flight response. You may feel more able to negotiate and think things through. More positivity surfaces as your energy starts to return, and you become impatient for your new future to start without all the emotional turmoil you feel now. Enthusiasm will be felt more often and be more sustained. When the healing is well underway, things will all level out again and the new plateau will come into view.

The plateau on the far side of the valley:

Life will become more manageable again and your new situation will become the new normal. You will become comfortable with the way things are. There can be some pretty nice things up on this plateau – it depends on what you are ready for and what you are looking for, but I will tell you that anything is possible!

The emotional journey is a very difficult one, but also a very rewarding one.

  • Most people are very surprised at the intensity of their feelings and some people find that they feel very out of control. If you think you need help please ask for it! I find it does help to know that these intense emotions are generally quite normal. If you feel they are too much to manage on your own, you can reach out for help.
  • Take your time and be patient with yourself and all others involved. Help from others, self-care and patience are some of the best strategies for managing it. Remember that your children, if you have any, and your ex will all be having similar feelings, but they may be at very different stages and the timing may not match your experience. Taking into consideration where you both are on the journey will help both communication and negotiations. Note that negotiating will work a lot better when both of you have the most energy scaling up the far side of the valley than in the early stages or the doldrums at the bottom of the valley. Remember that the person left behind in the earlier stages may see the words and behaviour of their ex-spouse who is further along in the valley, as potentially more hurtful than it is meant to be.
  • The journey, if you take advantage of the lessons you are learning, can be a very powerful one. Self-awareness increases. You become reacquainted with your own personal value and strengths. Being challenged to deal with all the difficulties causes tremendous personal growth. You can embrace your newfound status and relish what you have learned along the way. I am a very different person than I was before my journey and am thankful I took the journey myself. It was difficult, but my life now is much more satisfying than it was on the previous plateau!

Please share in the comments what have learned about your own strengths and abilities on this journey.

I do offer a free strategy session. Please contact me to talk about how my coaching works and how working with me can benefit you!

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach in Dundas

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Change During Separation and Divorce – 6 Ideas on Why Change is so Hard and How to Best Cope

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness
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Why is change so difficult and overwhelming during separation and divorce?

  1. The extent of the change is usually massive and it may impact all areas of your life.
  2. The speed of making the changes is often very fast and there is little time for adjusting, preparation or proper planning.
  3. The emotional upheaval during separation and divorce may make decision-making and implementing the necessary changes more contentious and adversarial.

I have 6 ideas about change that may make it slightly easier for you to deal with. There is no magic wand to make change simple or easy but here are a few of my ideas that I do hope will help ease the change slightly.

1. Change is the only guarantee we have in life.

No matter what stage of life we are in, change is constant. There is no such thing as true stability. Think of change as the waves lapping at a beautiful sandy beach. The waves are constantly changing the coastline. Sometimes the change is difficult to see on the beach and sometimes after a storm the change is obvious and much of the sand has been washed away.

Separation and divorce are like a storm washing over the beach and it will cause big changes and test your resilience. Remember that this is just one stage in your life and it too shall pass – change will just continue on shaping your life’s landscape and change things constantly.

“There is nothing permanent except change.”
– Heraclitus

2. Change usually triggers fear.

We are genetically hard-wired to fear change. Both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ change may trigger fear. Our ancestors evolved and passed on our genes by being safe and not doing dangerous life-threatening things. The ‘fear of the unknown’ is a well-known concept.

Ask yourself if your thinking is based on fact or fear when fear starts creeping in. Stick to the facts as best you can. Expect fear and treat it as excitement!

“The only difference between fear and excitement is your attitude about it”
– Unknown

Remember that most times in life we do overcome the initial fear we feel, and find amazing things come from the changes we create. We worry far too much about things that never happen.

Remember that when we look back at that ‘horrible’ event that altered our life like a job loss, or a big failure, we often learn valuable lessons and end up on a different path. In hindsight, we often realize that the ‘horrible’ event was the best thing that ever happened to us!

“You don’t fear change. You fear the unknown. If you knew the future would be great, you’d welcome the change to get there.
Well, the future IS Great.”
– Joe Vitale

3. Accept that some change is out of your control.

The Serenity Prayer says it all:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.”
– R. Niebuhr

In a marriage breakdown, spouses often try to control each other with guilt and blame. This never works in the long run.
We are all responsible for our own thoughts and actions. We can only control what we think and do – not what others think and do.

Accept this fact and let go of the struggle. Focus on what you can control and steer that change in the direction you want. Conserve all your energy for what will help your situation. Accept what is.

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”
– Sonia Ricotti

4. Know how you react will impact and add to the changes.

There will be plenty of decisions to make and things you will have control over. You do control how you choose to think about the changes ( your mindset), how you react and how you act. How you think, react and act will all influence the change itself, the outcomes and further changes.

Use your responses to shape the change in the direction you want your life to go in. For example: you may have to move to a new home, but you get to choose where you will move, how you will behave during the move, how you set up your new home, how you will feel in your new home, the example you set for your children in how you think about the move, and your new home…

Weigh your options, do the research and work out all the long-term consequences as best you can, then make the best possible decisions and carry through with positive action. If your mindset is not helping you cope well – consider changing your mindset! You get to choose if you are a victim or a victor.

“Our reaction to a situation literally has the power to change the situation itself.”
-Unknown

5. Keep emotion from driving the change.

I know – easy to say but very difficult to do. Slow down and give yourself time to absorb the changes and feel the emotions.

The emotional journey is normal, healthy and necessary. Your emotions will themselves change over time as you go through your separation and divorce. Don’t make decisions that will last your whole life based on the emotions you feel in the heat of the moment. If you are too emotional – postpone big decisions.

“Never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings.”
-Wiz Khalifa

“Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry.
Trust the process.”
– Alexandra Stoddard

6. Break all the change down into small steps.

The best way to manage massive change is one small step at a time. If you keep thinking about the whole thing it is overwhelming. Break it all down into small changes until it is manageable.

“Eat the elephant one bite at a time.”
– Unknown

The changes during separation and divorce are difficult, but I do hope you found encouragement and some ideas that will help you get through it all. You will be amazed looking back at what you did manage!

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
– Joseph Campbell

Please tell me what worked and did not work for you – add your ideas to the comments below!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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Valentine’s Day – Let’s celebrate ourselves by examining three different but important types of self-care!

Categories: Health and Wellness, Physical Self-Care
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Valentine’s Day is a great time to celebrate yourself, wherever you are on your self-care journey. There are, as I see it, three different varieties of self-care. Please look at all three types below and the questions I would like you to ask yourself about for each type.

I want to emphasize that self-care is just that – self-care. If you feel bad about what you’re doing, or inadequate, give yourself a break and know you’re doing what you can when you can.

We are all worthy of our own love just the way we are. Improving how we think about and do self-care is helpful, but only if it’s giving you energy long-term, not robbing your energy. Give yourself a break when you need it! Breaks are always necessary and well deserved to help us balance our lives.

Here are my ideas on the 3 types of self-care:

First, there is the pampering we like and enjoy.

These are special things we do to treat ourselves, like eating chocolate, drinking good wine, getting a pedicure or having a bubble bath surrounded by candles. Although these specific things may not appeal to you, I’m sure you get the idea! These treats are like a reward for good behavior, and we should look forward to them and enjoy them. These treats are what people often equate with ‘self-care’ but there is so much more involved in true self-care.

Questions for the pampering self-care:

  • Are you treating yourself on occasion and truly enjoying it?
  • Are you doing what you think you should do, or are you doing what you want to do to pamper yourself?
  • Are you spending money you don’t have for pampering and actually making yourself feeling worse overall?
  • What are some things that you can do to pamper yourself that you can schedule in?
  • Can you schedule these me times into your calendar?

“Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.”

– Louise L. Hay

Second, there are the basics that we all need to do to keep up our health, well-being and just live well.

Things like sleeping enough, eating nutritious food, staying hydrated, moving our bodies for strength and flexibility, basic personal hygiene, and most of the basics of our day-to-day lives fall into this category. Sometimes, in a crisis, this basic self-care becomes more difficult to maintain and we may really struggle to look after ourselves properly. When this critical type of self-care stops we realize how sometimes we take this type of self-care for granted.

Questions for the routine day-to-day self-care:

  • Deep down what is your body saying when you quiet down and actually listen?
  • What is your heart telling you?
  • What is your mind telling you?
  • What is your spirit telling you?
  • Are you balancing the needs of your body, heart, mind, and spirit?
  • Are you doing the best you can for yourself?
  • Are there simple changes you can make to your routines that would benefit you?
  • Are your personal values and your habits well aligned or do you find resistance and procrastination coming up with basic self-care?

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
– Lucille Ball

The third type of self-care is all the difficult tasks that take courage, strength, and commitment.

These tasks like setting healthy boundaries, standing up for ourselves when things get difficult, and speaking our truths. These acts of true self-care are often the least practiced type of self-care but the most necessary. These tasks are vitally important to living a happy and healthy life, but they are often overlooked and avoided. They are by far the most difficult part of self-care. They also offer great benefits when you commit to YOU and what YOU need! They are often difficult to do but have great positive payoffs for you.

Questions for the difficult forms of self-care:

  • Are you doing the things that may be difficult now but will pay off in the long run?
  • Do you know your boundaries and understand how to maintain healthy boundaries? Do you speak up for what YOU need and want when necessary?
  • Are your relationships supporting you or draining you?
  • Do you say “no” when you need to?
  • Do you tell people when they disappoint you with positive conversations about what you expect and need from them?
  • Are you taking action to obtain your goals, or are you working towards other people’s goals?
  • Are there major changes you want to make in your life that need to be broken down into small manageable steps?

“Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self-worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”
– Stacey Charter

Self-care, self-respect, and self-love are so essential for health, well-being and satisfaction in life.  Where are you on the self-care journey?

Today is a great day to make sure you’re looking after yourself properly and, if not, to commit to working towards better self-care and more balance. If you’re interested in reading further, here is another blog I wrote about how to celebrate Valentine’s Day single.

If you need help with self-care I am happy to be your coach and motivate, guide and support you on the journey! Contact me for a complimentary strategy session.

Take care,
Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project coach

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Divorce = Legal + Change + Emotions

Divorce – The truth about what it really is.

Categories: Legal and Financial, The Journey, The Process of Separation
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Divorce = Legal + Change + Emotions

Divorce – what does the word divorce really mean?

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage” (Merriam Webster, 2017).

Divorce does indeed involve the legal action of “dissolving a marriage” but there are many other things involved in the process that adds to the difficulty we have going through a divorce. All divorces have three distinct moving parts that increase the stress levels of couples during the process. If you can understand the three parts and how they come together, you’ll be able to manage things a bit better and that can be very helpful.

  1. First, and the most familiar aspect of divorce, for most people, is the legal process of actually moving from ‘married’ to ‘divorced’.  The legal process is usually somewhat mysterious and misunderstood as you enter a separation and almost everyone, from Aunt Doris to the lady next door, will have ideas to share on how it works. Please stick to the facts and remember that divorce in Canada is “no-fault” so the legal aspects of divorce are strictly a business transaction.
  2. The second part of the divorce process involves the many changes that take place. All areas of life usually change a great deal, and all this change happens simultaneously. Change during a separation and divorce is so massive, it can easily overwhelm you and your ex-partner, so recognizing the changes and planning ahead as best you can will help you decrease your stress levels, remain amicable with your ex-partner, and keep things working better as a divorcing family.
  3. The third part of divorce is the emotional upheaval for everyone involved. The difficult emotions are usually underestimated until people have started the process. Emotions during a divorce can be very intense and are absolutely normal. Understanding how the emotional process unfolds will help keep your relationship more manageable as it changes from spouse to ex-spouse. If you can understand where you are and where your partner is in the process, you can both be more sensitive to each other and things will go better for both of you.

If you map out these three areas, and keep them as distinct and separate as possible, it really can help you manage better.

1+3 = The legal process being highjacked by emotions is the most common and volatile problem in divorce. You really need to keep your decision-making skills from being led by your emotions. The legal process can be thought of like business transactions and being highly emotional will make agreement difficult to reach, which will add both time and cost to the divorce process.

1+2 = The legal process and change add up to difficult situations too. If you can map out all the changes that need to happen – like moving for example – and decide how to look for the positive opportunities, the legal decisions will be easier to make and can lead you in the direction you choose. Remember that change is a big part of the process and the legal system is not to blame for all the changes. The changes really are a result of the relationship breakdown.

2+3 = The changes and the emotions when put together lead to the overwhelming aspects of divorce. Changes that need to happen can be mapped out and planned, and if you try to also map out the expected emotional journey and allow time to get used to the needed changes, things will go a little better. Especially for any children involved! Give yourself and your ex-partner time to adjust and try to control the direction and speed of the changes.

Divorce, although always difficult, can be a period of self-exploration, tremendous personal growth and empowerment – if you are open to the opportunities.

If you would like help managing your divorce or further your understanding of the way divorce works, please contact me to arrange a complimentary strategy session!

All the best,
Pam

Pam Mirehouse

 

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Why You Need to Know YOUR Finances: Married, Separated, Divorced, Widowed or Single. Part 3: Control + Action = Power!

Why You Need to Know YOUR Finances: Married, Separated, Divorced, Widowed or Single. Part 3: Control + Action = Power!

Categories: Legal and Financial, The Process of Separation
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Why You Need to Know YOUR Finances: Married, Separated, Divorced, Widowed or Single. Part 3: Control + Action = Power!

In October I wrote about the fact that your finances need your attention and that Ignorance ≠ Bliss.

In November I wrote about setting aside time and energy to learn about your personal finances and the relevant financial information is an important step to give you more understanding and how Knowledge leads to Control.

Now, what do you need to feel powerful with your money? You need to get into action! Once you have the knowledge, Control + Action = Power. Here are my top 7 actions to start you in the right direction!

Think about your finances like driving a car. Without some sort of directions, like a map, and actions to move you in your chosen direction, like steering a car and stepping on the gas, you can waste years and a great deal of energy meandering aimlessly, and never reach your desired destination. This is true in most areas of life, but especially true with your finances.

“You will either tell your money what to do or the lack of it will always manage you.”

– Dave Ramsey

What do you need to start taking action? Here are my top 7 actions that will give you more power over your finances!

1.   Make a Budget:

You must make your expenses and income sources both visible and easy to track in a simple budget. Include all of your cash spending as well as credit card and any monthly bills that are paid automatically. Every movement of money through your hands needs to be looked at and acknowledged. Yes, budgets have a reputation for being difficult and boring, but they really can be simple, very enlightening and a big source of feeling power over your destiny! There are lots of tools for this online. Find something that is simple that will work for you.

“A budget is telling your money where to go instead of wondering where it went.”

– Dave Ramsey

2.   Balance your budget:

Managing your incoming and outgoing money to create a ‘balanced’ budget is critical for your peace of mind. A balanced budget means you can ‘live within your means’. If your income is more than your expenses, you can start putting the extra money towards savings. If your expenses are eating through your income and adding to your debt every month, it is critical that you start cutting your expenses or growing your income to eliminate your debt before it spirals out of control. Living with a balanced budget is critical so you can start deciding on YOUR priorities.

“Balance is not something you find. It is something you create.”

– Jana Kingsford

Balancing your money is the key to having enough.”

– Elizabeth Warren

3.   Increase your Savings:

Decide on a reasonable percentage of your income to save every month. Take this money and place it somewhere safe, like a savings account or investment, to remove the temptation to spend it. Ten percent is what is normally recommended.

Use this method to build up some money in an emergency fund for unexpected costs that your budget won’t cover that are true necessities. This will help your stress levels when life throws unexpected expenses your way!

Decide on short-term and long-term goals like trips and retirement that you can work towards every month by watching your budget and putting aside extra money. Having a goal you are excited about will give you the motivation to save that little bit extra. Think of retirement as a nice long vacation too because we all need to save for that and thinking about your goals for this time in your life can be very motivating.

“Beware of little expenses. A small leak will sink a great ship.”

– Benjamin Franklin

“Do not save what is left after spending, but spend what is left after saving.”
– Warren Buffett

4.   Decrease your debt:

When you must buy on credit, pay things off as soon as you can – monthly if at all possible! Paying high-interest fees and carrying costs can dramatically increase the money an item has cost you and be a big drain on your budget. Always pay off the most expensive debt first.

Do you really ‘need’ that item or is it is a ‘want’? Would it be nice to have but is actually unnecessary? Why are you buying it? If you had known it actually cost you twice as much after adding up the carrying charges and interest would you have still wanted to buy it? Would it be a good reward if you actually saved up over time for it or will it make you feel bad every time you open your closet and see that impulse buy that you have never used or worn?

Become aware of your impulse spending and minimize it. Make sure you actually like and need what you buy! Is it filling a true need, or does it just help with an emotional need temporarily?

If you really want something, plan for it and give yourself a waiting period before you buy it. I often think “I should buy that” and when I don’t allow myself the impulse I often return home and cannot even remember what the item even was that I almost bought!

Adding up what the items would have cost you can be motivating, because you can see what you actually saved by not buying something.

“You will win at money when you decide that your family’s future is more important than any new toy you want to buy.”

– unknown

“Don’t give up what you want most for what you want now.”

– Dave Ramsey

5.   Don’t compare or compete:

Everyone has different financial situations and strategies. Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing. Comparisons often lead to jealousy and may set you off on a bad path of spending to keep up with others. People may look like they have a fabulous life, but they may have tremendous debt and stress that you simply cannot see from your vantage point. Appearances can be very deceiving so work on your own finances, your own enjoyment of life and your own future! Focus on yourself and forget what your neighbours, friends, and family appear to be doing!

“We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.”

– Dave Ramsey

6.   Make plans and goals:

If you don’t set a goal or make some plans, let’s face the fact that you will not have any motivation to budget, save, and pay down debt. If you are reading this because you want to feel powerful and more in control, you must start by setting some goals. Set a goal; break the goal down into manageable, doable and measurable steps. The steps are your plan.

Follow your planned steps until you reach your goal. Revisit your goals periodically. You may need to adjust them and your plans as life happens and sends you off course. Be sure to celebrate your accomplishments as well!

“Something magical happens when you write down your goals. It changes the way you see your situation.”

– Dave Ramsey

7. Know your ‘WHY’:

Knowing ‘why’ you are setting financial goals is important too. Your ‘why’ is the reason you wanted to have knowledge and control over your finances in the first place.

Knowing your ‘why’ will keep you going when things get tough and you have a setback. Your goals may change or be reached but your ‘why’ will keep you setting new goals, rising to new heights, and going in the right direction.

It is important to remember your ‘why’ and share your ‘why’ if others are involved in your budget to prevent any sabotage! I often see one person working really hard, only to find out that their partner or children have drastically increased their debt load sometimes for years without their knowledge. If they do not know your ‘why’ and you are not working together on these things, sabotage is much more likely to happen. Sharing your ideas and the understanding and commitment to your goals with others creates better teamwork.

“When you and your spouse agree on spending, you’ve agreed on dreams, fears, goals and priorities.”

– Dave Ramsey

Back to my driving analogy:

Knowing why you want to get in the car (your why), having a destination (a goal), having a map on how to get there (a plan) and then getting in the car, moving forward and steering (taking action) to get to your financial destination is very satisfying.

Know that once you are behind the wheel (in control) you will also have the ability to change your route (your goals), slow down and enjoy the view (readjust your plan), and invite passengers along (create buy-in) for your lifelong financial journey.

Remember: knowledge gives you control over what you do have. Taking actions like balancing your budget, saving for your future, and reducing your debt will make you feel empowered and able to make good decisions now and for the rest of your life. Seize the opportunity to drive your own finances – get behind your steering wheel and get going!

Please contact me if you would like some help because I am a good navigator to have in the passenger seat and I can help motivate you to gain control over your finances. I can help set you up with the tools you need and keep you accountable until you feel empowered with your own money.

If you are going through a separation or divorce I can also help you sort out the overwhelming changes you are facing in all areas of your life – not just finance.

I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach.

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Why You Need to Know YOUR Finances: Married, Separated, Divorced, Widowed or Single. Part 2: Knowledge = Control!

Why You Need to Know YOUR Finances: Married, Separated, Divorced, Widowed or Single. Part 2: Knowledge = Control!

Categories: Legal and Financial, The Process of Separation
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Why You Need to Know YOUR Finances: Married, Separated, Divorced, Widowed or Single. Part 2: Knowledge = Control!

Knowledge about your finances can set you up to feel more in control and less stressed. Last month I wrote about how ignorance of our finances often leads to stress and financial woes. You can find the blog here.

This month, I’m going to suggest ways to get comfortable with finances that will help you learn, ease your concerns and lead to feeling more in control with your personal finances.

This quote is true for everything, but especially for finances, which can be an extremely heavy burden when they are unknown or not understood:

“It is not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.”

-Lou Holtz

Here are some ideas of how to learn and know your financials in different life situations:

Engaged or moving in together:

When you’re getting married or moving in together, discuss the finances and both of your ideas on what your ideal future looks like. This allows you to make plans together to work towards your shared goals.

Share your information and the knowledge of how you plan to manage any debt and all the benefits of any savings, preferably before you live together as a couple! Talk about how you want to proceed financially.

Discussing what you do NOT want is also very important. Examine and compare your money styles and get comfortable with how you each are similar and different. Few people have the same ideas about money – you don’t have to agree on absolutely everything, but you do need to get comfortable and learn to compromise on things. Once you share information and each takes responsibility for the pieces you have control over, you can start to make joint plans and take actions together that make sense for you as a couple.

Married or living common-law:

Even if one partner wants to ‘look after things’ please sit down at least once a year, if not every six months, for a review and planning session. See the numbers. Add up the totals. Readjust your plans for the future. Deal with any issues like overspending or bad habits head-on.

Communicate respectfully and focus on problem-solving, not blame. Understand how things are working for both of you. Create one document of how things look, then update it when things change significantly. Include all your important information.

Working together towards the same goals is much more satisfying for both of you and creates more motivation. Understanding your situation will help lead to feeling good about taking responsibility for both the good and the difficult and make any needed actions or corrections of your path easier to follow. Being accountable to each other helps develop good money habits and makes goals easier to obtain. Making sure either of you can monitor your joint holdings like a mortgage, line of credit and any joint credit cards will instill more trust and honesty.

To clarify: It’s not necessary to combine everything and share one joint banking account, but you do need to be accountable to each other for your future plans and be able to look at each other’s information and money habits openly. You don’t want secrets that may sabotage your assets and hurt the future of your relationship.

We all make mistakes at times. Learn the lessons that mistakes teach you both. Keep communicating openly and with respect and move on.

Share the victories you make as a family and as individuals. Celebrate the accomplishments and goals you reach! Find ways to motivate yourselves to stick with it and enjoy the process. Take turns doing some of the necessary and sometimes mundane tasks and hold each other accountable. Try and make finance time fun and motivate yourselves for good habits with enjoyable rewards that fit your budget.

Living as the one financially responsible:

If you’re on your own – single, separated, divorced or widowed – book a date with your finances at least every six months, maybe monthly if things are difficult and you need to budget and pay bills. It does get easier as you learn the ins and outs of your own finances. You can get good at it, exercise more control, and find life becomes less stressful as you understand your unique situation better – it just takes a desire to learn and a bit of persistence.

Don’t forget to celebrate your wins as you learn about your finances and make gains. Reward yourself with something enjoyable for a job well done. Having a confidante about some of your goals and being held accountable can be a tremendous help.

Seek help:

There are professionals that can help you with investments, budgeting, and your financial knowledge. The internet is full of good information if you stick to reliable sources. There are courses, videos, and good television shows available that can all help. Many great books are available on any finance topic you seek.

Ask good questions and keep asking until you gain understanding. Nothing in finance is a stupid question! If you don’t get a satisfactory answer, ask someone else or look somewhere else.

Personal finance is a life long journey.
You make mistakes – you learn.
You make more mistakes – you learn more.

Keep learning,
Keep doing your best,
Keep your money goals in mind.

Knowledge about your finances = able to make informed decisions.
Knowledge about your finances = able to take meaningful actions.
Knowledge about your finances = improving what is not working.
Knowledge about your finances = feeling confident and in control.
Knowledge about your finances = feeling empowered.

Sharing the burdens and the benefits of the finances helps everyone
that is in your budget be motivated and more willing to pitch in and stick to budgets and plans.

Teaching your kids about finances will help empower them for the rest of their lives.
Lead by example!

Please contact me if you would like some help reaching your goals. I can help you find the knowledge you need to feel good about what you do have and what steps you need to take to get where you want to be with your personal finances and your life! To be clear, I do not offer financial investment advice, but I do offer helpful tools, resources, and information to help you get started. I am also a great accountability partner if that is what you need!

I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam
Pam Mirehouse The Separation Project Coach

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