Author Archive for: Pam Mirehouse

The 7 Big Mistakes That Sabotage Separation & Divorce Negotiations

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness, Physical Self-Care
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When most people start divorce negotiations, they usually have little or no experience with the process. Understanding some common mistakes and how they can impact your own divorce process may help you make better decisions and speed up the negotiations.

The top mistakes commonly made when negotiating a divorce:

  1. WANTING REVENGE: The cause of divorce has no bearing on the outcome in the courts, in Canada, so do not expect to get revenge or make your ex-partner pay more because you are the better person. This strategy just increases your costs – you may as well just gift your money to your legal team because that is who will benefit the most!
  2. BEING TOO RIGID: Being rigid during negotiations is not helpful. You and your ex-partner both have to remain flexible to reach fair decisions. Listening does not mean you are agreeing. Remain open to compromise and possibilities – there are some ideas you may not have even thought about. Understand both what you want, AND what you absolutely need. Step back and look at the entire agreement to truly try to be fair.
  3. RUSHING THE PROCESS: Take the time to understand the long-term implications of your decisions. Fair negotiations take time and you may regret the outcome if you make impulsive decisions just trying to reach the end of the process. Understanding the tax consequences and how things will look over time is smart. You need to think about right now, and how things will look in the future.
  4. REQUIRING A GUARANTEE: Life has no guarantees or true certainty except ‘change’! Any material changes for either partner may require the re-negotiation of an existing agreement. Life happens – change will continue – that is the only guarantee we have during our lifetime.
  5. RELINQUISHING CONTROL: You and your ex-partner are the decision-makers. The law is a guideline. Other people’s expectations are their expectations. The lawyers, mediators, and all your advice givers are only guides. You and your ex-partner should make the final decisions together. What advice do you want to use? Do what feels right for YOU and your situation. (If you go to court, the decisions are no longer in your hands, as you are no longer negotiating! In court, the judge makes decisions for your family – period – and sometimes a judge will pick a solution that no one wants, so please go to court fully informed and with caution!)
  6. LIMITING RESOURCES: Do not limit your information sources and resources. The more you understand about the process the better your outcome will be. Do your research. Look things up. Check things out. You should then talk to as many sources of reliable information as possible. Interview several lawyers, mediators or professionals before you pick what resources best match your values and desired outcome. Do not limit yourself by listening only to family and friends or one professional. By the way – I am talking about not limiting information sources too early – not unlimited spending of money on resources.
  7. LACK OF PERSISTENCE: Giving up is common when one side digs in and refuses to co-operate and stops all negotiations. Throwing in the towel to avoid dealing with an ex-partner is the easy way out, but the long term costs can be staggering. I do agree that sometimes it is not worth the emotional and financial costs to deal with a difficult ex, but sometimes this is exactly what they are trying to manipulate you into – giving up. Steady persistence can pay off without as much energy drain as it seems, if you can see the manipulation for what it is – manipulation – and choose acceptance and persistence over repeatedly getting emotionally drawn in. Sometimes if you stop reacting and your ex stops getting an emotional rise out of you, things finally get resolved.

My previous blogs on common mistakes made early in the decision to separate and divorce can be found here:

Separation & Divorce Mistake #1: Not Making Your Own Self-Care a Priority
Separation Mistake #2: Not being your ‘BEST-SELF’
Separation Mistake #3: Giving all Your Power Away to Your Now Ex-Partner
Separation Mistake #4: Avoiding Difficult Conversations

Please contact me if you would like help dealing with your separation and divorce. Often we are so close to things, we cannot see ourselves making these mistakes! I can help you keep things manageable!

I do offer a free strategy session. Book one, and we can talk about your situation and what you need help handling!

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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Separation Mistake #3: Giving all Your Power Away to Your Now Ex-Partner

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness, Physical Self-Care
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Often in a separation, especially at the start of a breakup, you give away all of your own power by focusing on your ex and everything that they appear to be doing to hurt you and ruin your life.

  • You cannot believe what your ex did.
  • You repeat your messy divorce story over and over.
  • You cannot accept what your ex is currently doing.
  • You resist what is happening and try to control what your ex is doing.
  • You worry about what our ex will do or not do in the future.
  • You spend a lot of time wishing your ex was different.
  • You blame and do not take responsibility for yourself.
  • Basically, you focus far too much energy on our ex.

What you do need to do is take back your own power.
Step back and try to gain perspective on your situation if you are able.
Stop standing there, in victim mode, just watching your ex’s behaviour like a movie reel.
Stop retelling their misdeeds.
Stop making your ex the main character in your story.
Rewrite the script around you and what you want to do and start taking the actions you need to take.
Stop thinking about your ex and start thinking about YOU!
Start looking at your own situation and your part in it.
What do you want in your future?
What do you want in your life? Out of your life?
What are you doing to look after yourself?
What are you doing to be the best version of yourself you can be?
What are you doing to gain the knowledge and skills you need to work through your separation and rebuild your life?

[bctt tweet=”One of the basic truths in life is that we cannot control others. This is especially true during separation and divorce.” username=”PamMirehouse”]
Trust in your relationship usually evaporates as it ends.
The person you love and thought you knew very well appears to be a complete stranger.
Patience, empathy, understanding and healthy communication are often no longer possible.

We only control our own thoughts, our own emotions, and our own actions.
You cannot control anyone else – ever!
Their thoughts, feelings, and actions are completely their own.
That lesson, sadly, took me a long time to learn.

So how are you thinking about the situation you are in?
Are your thoughts helpful to you?
What are you feeling about your separation?
Are you letting your emotions come up and processing them, or are you avoiding them?
Are you reacting, acting, or taking no action in a way that serves you?
Are you working to make things better for yourself and your family?

Stop focusing on your ex and their misdeeds and bad behaviours.
I am not saying to ignore this stuff.
Always protect yourself with awareness but don’t let it control you or take you away from your own work and forward momentum.
Do not let your ex have any control over how you are thinking, feeling and acting.
Choose what YOU want to think, feel and do.
Stop reacting and start being proactive with your own results in mind.
Make yourself the most important person in your own story.
Focus on yourself.
110%

Step into your own power.
Control your own destiny!

“Where focus goes, energy flows” – Tony Robbins

What small step can you take today to start your path to healing?
Please share your ideas in the comments below!

My coaching can help you take back your power and feel better –
you can book a free strategy session here to see if my coaching
would be a good fit for both of us!

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

 

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Separation Mistake #2: Not being your ‘BEST-SELF’

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness, Physical Self-Care
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Sometimes in a separation, early on, we play the victim and throw a big pity party.

  • We whine.
  • We complain.
  • We behave in ways we often regret when we are not being our best.
  • We blame.
  • We take everything personally.
  • We rant.
  • We rave.
  • We get emotional.
  • We over-react.
  • We react without thought.

Have you ever played the victim? I know I have!
This spiral of negativity may feel somewhat satisfying for a while, but it wears thin fast.
No one enjoys spending time with someone playing the victim except the people who feed off seeing other people suffer. Trust me, these people don’t stick around when things start improving for you – they want you to stay in the victim role because it makes them feel better about themselves.
Feeling helpless and needy is an exhausting way to live.

What you really want to do is pull yourself back to the version you enjoy being – your ‘best-self’.
The person you enjoy being when you are feeling great.
The person that is wonderful to be around.
The person that you are proud to be.

Who are you when things are good and you are enjoying your life?

How do you act when you feel at your best?
What qualities do you admire most about people you know that inspire you and you love being with?
Often we have these same quantities inside ourselves that we admire in others.
What are your best qualities?
[bctt tweet=”Be yourself – but be your ‘best-self’” username=”PamMirehouse”]

Who are you when things are not going well?

What bad behaviours do your use when you are upset and struggling?
Is your behaviour serving you or is it holding you back? Or worse – harming you?
Remembering who you are at your best.
Start paying attention and observing how you are showing up.
Start choosing to be a better version of yourself in the moment.
Change always starts with awareness!
Show up as the best version of yourself you can manage.
It won’t be easy, difficult things never are, but it will be worth it!
It will make you feel stronger, more resilient and help you be more in control.
Pay attention to the things that improve as you start to show up as your “best-self”.

Let me know, in the comments below, your thoughts on being your best-self vs taking on the role of a victim.

Find my series on common mistakes people make during separation and divorce here:
Separation & Divorce Mistake #1: Not Making Your Own Self-Care a Priority

My coaching can help you navigate the divorce journey better!  – you can book a free strategy session here to see if coaching with me would be a good fit!

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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Separation & Divorce Mistake #1: Not Making Your Own Self-Care a Priority

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness, Physical Self-Care
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Often in separation, especially at the start of a breakup, people stop looking after themselves. Are you guilty of any of these things?

  • You worry about what others think so you pretend things are “fine” despite not feeling fine at all.
  • You attempt to control things that you have no control over like other people.
  • You power through, like the energizer bunny, despite emotional, mental and physical exhaustion.
  • You don’t listen to your own precious body.
  • You ignore your intuition.
  • You resist and fight change instead of accepting what is.
  • You stifle and avoid your emotions.
  • You blame yourself – you may feel guilty.
  • You beat yourself up mentally and are downright mean to yourself inside your own head.
  • You put yourself at the bottom of your to-do list.
  • You forget all self-care – who has the time or the energy for that when your life lies in ruins around you?

“Self-care is not selfish.

You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”

– Eleanor Brown

Think of self-care as your own personal energy bank account – similar to a regular bank account.

If you do not look after yourself – maintain and fill up your energy supply. You will have no energy to:

  • be able to cope well
  • think things through
  • manage your feelings and heal
  • stand up for yourself and improve your own situation
  • make good long-term decisions
  • look after your loved ones that depend on you

 Put in some deposits,
preserve or save what you can
and spend wisely on things that are important to you.
Making yourself a priority and investing in your self-care during separation and divorce is absolutely essential!
If you won’t look after your own needs – who will?
You certainly don’t want to depend on an ex-spouse to meet your needs!
Self-care actually shows people how YOU want to be treated.
Set a good example – treat yourself well!
Invest in yourself!
You=#1

Save as much of your own energy as you can.
Don’t let others take your energy especially, people that drain you emotionally.
Minimize activities and interactions that deplete you and wear you down.
Learn to say “No” and remember you do not need to justify your “No”!
Conserve energy for your true priorities.
Spend your energy wisely on the important things that will, eventually, increase your own energy over time.
Some difficult things may seem to deplete you – these are actions like setting healthy boundaries, but they will benefit you over time if you maintain them.

AND,

Most importantly,
Make regular deposits to fill your energy account up.

Good self-care = deposits

Deposits will strengthen you up and make you more resilient.
Build up your strengths, your confidence, your skills, your knowledge.
Ask for the help you need.
Make sure that you are meeting your own needs first.
This is true self-care.
It really does add to your life, similar to money in a bank account.

So let’s look at your energy account balance:

What have you done for yourself today?
Are you looking after yourself well?
Are you creating or continuing to practice good habits to look after your body, mind, heart and spirit?
Are you giving yourself time and space to feel your emotions, rest and replenish yourself?
Are you speaking up for yourself and setting healthy boundaries with others?
Are you asking for help when you need it?
What would you say to your best friend in a similar situation to what you are facing now?
How would you treat them? What would you tell them?
Try to treat yourself like this best friend that needs your support, care and love.
Treat yourself with compassion, understanding, respect and kindness!
It is always easy to look back at things and understand them better, but you really did do the best you could with what you knew at the time. Do not beat yourself up or be hard on yourself for the past. It is what it is.
Allow yourself plenty of time and space to look after yourself.
Schedule in some downtime.
Schedule some time to be alone to just think and feel.
Actually, pen it into your own calendar!

Self-care is the best thing you can and should be doing right now for yourself.
We only get one body in this life. One mind. One heart. One spirit or soul. If you are struggling – take the time to be present. Show up for yourself and listen to what your body, mind, heart and spirit are telling you.
Get to know who you really are.
Celebrate and be grateful you have everything that you do have in this moment!
Get to know your strengths and weaknesses. It is all good.
Nurture all of yourself – build up your body, mind, heart and spirit so you can handle the changes that separation and divorce will throw at you.
Don’t give yourself any time limits on grieving your relationship or healing.
Separation and divorce are a marathon, not a sprint.
Build yourself up to make it through to that finish line. It will get better with time and positive action. Divorce really is a journey.
Rest when you need to. The time you rest is just as important as the time you spend moving.
Nurture yourself.
Learn what you need to know.
Work on the skills you need to have.
Take all the time you need.
Keep moving forward.
Self-care is a life long process.
Keep doing it no matter what!
Never stop!

[bctt tweet=”Self-care is never selfish – it’s a necessity! Make it a habit and schedule it in!” username=”PamMirehouse”]

More self-care blogs you might enjoy:

How I define my three types of self-care

More on being your own priority

Please tell me in the comments what you like to do for yourself! What did you start to do that helped during your separation? What did you say “No” to for the first time that helped? I stopped doing volunteer work at my children’s school. I started doing more relaxing exercise routines that required less coordination because I was worried I would hurt myself by being distracted… 😉

My coaching will help you make yourself a priority – you can book a free strategy session here to see if coaching with me would be a good fit!

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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divorce goals

New Year – Need New Divorce Goals?

Categories: Emotional Coping
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divorce goals

So another year has come and gone!

How will this fresh new year unfold for you? Have you made some goals about how you want to show up during your divorce?

I know no one can choose how their divorce will be – there are too many moving parts during a separation and divorce. You can, however, choose how you think about the situation, feel about it, react and act during your divorce.

A well thought out divorce goal can actually impact the results you get during your separation and divorce by changing your mindset and your behaviour.

Will you drift another year, or set some firm, goal driven intentions for your divorce? Are your goals firmly anchored so you remember them in the difficult moments?

SET YOUR DIVORCE INTENTION, goal or vision of how you want your divorce to be as if you are looking at it from the future. Think about the questions below to help you get clear on what you do want.

Get comfortable. Consciously relax and breathe deeply. I encourage you to write your thoughts out as you read through the following ideas and questions.

  • Your separation and divorce will probably be one of the most difficult things that you will face in your lifetime. Let’s pretend you have made it through the entire process and are looking at your current situation from the other side. Your divorce is final and you are healed and feeling good. It is 5 or 6 years from now. You are your future self, looking back at this moment in your life.
  • What do you want to remember about this difficult time of your life?
  • How do you want to think about your marriage looking back? Your breakup and your role in it?
  • How did you feel during these difficult times? How do you wish you had felt?
  • How did you act during the journey through your separation and divorce? How do you wish you had behaved?
  • How did you manage the chaos and difficulties you went through?
  • What do you want to remember most looking back?
  • What are you most proud of? What else are you proud of…?
  • What was a belief or thought that helped you through your worst times?
  • 5 or 6 years from now what would others say about your divorce?
    • Your family?
    • Your friends?
    • Your ex-spouse?
    • Your children, if you have children…?
  • What does your divorce look like from the outside looking in, from these other perspectives?
  • How do you want these people to remember this time in their lives looking back?
  • How do you want these people to remember you during this difficult time?

[bctt tweet=”Thinking about how you want to remember this time when you look back at it can help you stay on track, and behave in a more intentional way right now. ” username=”PamMirehouse”]

From my own experience

I wish I had done a few things differently during my own separation and divorce.

It was a difficult and stressful time for me. I was not sure I would ever be okay again. I did not enjoy suddenly finding myself to be a single parent. I did not like making decisions all alone. I had lost the vision of what my future would hold and felt both lost and insecure.

  • I spent far too much time replaying the past and thinking about how I would change it.
  • I worried endlessly about my future.
  • I struggled against the changes and longed for the past.

Looking back:

  • I wish I had ruminated less about the past because I could not change anything about it.
  • I wish I had trusted that the future would be fine.
  • I wish I spent more time being present and enjoyed my life despite my divorce.
  • I wish I had trusted my abilities more.
  • I wish I had been kinder to myself.
  • I wish I had embraced the change.
  • I wish I had chosen more control over my part in the drama, and been more proactive, instead of being reactive.
  • I wish I had known, during the worst of the journey, that I was heading towards something wonderful!
  • I basically felt, when everything was said and done, that I had lost a couple of years to overwhelm, struggle and icky emotions.
  • I wish I had chosen some better beliefs.

 I choose my own way through my divorce. I choose grace. I choose ease. I choose to thrive.

In 5 or 6 years, trust me, your situation will be different – things always change. You may as well move towards your own desires, instead of letting life just take you where it will!

Step into your own power and stand a little taller with intention. Not having any divorce intention will leave you in a place of being a victim, of reacting to what others do or don’t do, and blame.

You cannot control what others do but you can control what you do.

In the next heated moment, think of your goals for your divorce and act with intention. Take responsibility for your thinking, your feelings, and your actions. This is truly the best way to move through to the results you want.

Trust yourself – know it will be okay and tell yourself every day that you will come out the other side with some great lessons and personal growth!

Although stress is both common and normal – know you can and will manage better with intention.

If you are not managing well, there is no shame in asking for help. Divorce is a difficult process and you do not need to manage it all on your own. This is actually a good goal – “I will allow myself to ask for help when I feel overwhelmed”.

ANCHORING

Anchor your intention or divorce goal with a touchstone. A reminder that you touch or see daily, that will remind you of your intentions, and that everything will work out!  A touchstone helps to remind you when you are in the thick of difficulties that things will work out. Some of my clients have used jewellery as their touchstone. Some have a framed picture placed where they can pause daily and think about their goals.  I used a coin. I kept it in my pocket to remind me every day that I was thankful for what I did have in my life. It was good to feel that coin and remember the positives on my most difficult days. Some people pick a word of the year to remind them of how they want to show up and display that in places like their cell phone screen.

So – what is your divorce intention?

Anchor this goal and remind yourself of it daily!

Please sign up to receive more ideas that will help you navigate your journey through divorce.

More details on the steps to set an INTENTION are here if you are interested:  Separation and Divorce Intentions and Goals: The What, How and Why Guide

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself – always!

Warm regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach

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6 Tips to Manage Holiday Traditions Better during Separation and Divorce

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness
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One of the hardest things about separation and divorce is all the memories and emotions that come up during all our special holiday celebrations as our holiday traditions change. The first Christmas, or if you do not celebrate Christmas – whatever you do celebrate, without your full extended family, is probably one of the most difficult times in the first year of separation.

Kids, if you have them, may have to spend their first vacation divided up between households, and they will probably find things difficult to adjust to as well.

Here are my top 6 tips about improving the holidays for you and yours when you are first separated.

1. Release your expectations:

Do not expect things to go as you plan or want them to. They probably won’t. It is better to stay open to new possibilities than to have expectations of how things should go during the holidays. Keep an open mind and an open heart, and embrace both the unexpected fun and difficult moments. Life happens and time marches forward so spending energy fighting or trying to control the change happening during this time is just a big energy drain. Enjoy the small things and keep moving forward as best you can. Things may not be perfect but sometimes there is also humour in the fails. I found that laughing when things became ridiculous really did help ease my burdens!

2. Simplify:

During the holidays simplify everything you can. When you are going through a difficult and stressful time, just surviving is a good goal to aim for. Surviving as best you can is the key – stop aiming to be a superwoman or a superman – stop trying to be a super parent – stop being perfect – stop doing it all – relax and make a list of nice-to-haves and must-haves. Then be ready to cross out some nice-to-haves if the going gets rough. I know when I was married, I had a large Brunch every December for my extended family and closest friends early in the month. I did it so my kids were not disappointed the first year I was a single mom and it completely drained my energy for the rest of the month. I wished, after it was done, that I had not tried to act like everything was fine and I could still “do it all”! You have my full permission to simplify and cut out your energy drains and add more energy recharging activities to your list. Everyone is different. Do what works for you!

3. Re-examine your old holiday traditions:

The holidays are often full of traditions that we may not even enjoy anymore. I know I loved getting that real Christmas tree when I was married but was quite happy to go for an artificial tree when I was a single mom and not have to worry about how to get a tree in and out of my home. Creating memories doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy. Discard the traditions that just do not work this year. You can decide if you want to do them again at any time in the future. What do you enjoy? What won’t you miss? What will be a relief to take off your calendar and your to-do list?

4. Make new holiday traditions:

I started a few new holiday traditions that I enjoyed that we had never had the time for before. We started sleeping over at a relative’s house Christmas Day after sharing a Christmas dinner, so I could enjoy the family time as an adult after I put my kids to bed. We stopped going out to a Christmas Eve party that was a long drive and often happened during stormy weather and stayed home.  I started enjoying a walk to look at the Christmas lights Christmas Eve, which was always a really nice change of pace! Then, of course, some hot drinks, cookies and a Christmas movie were a great new tradition. It actually was a return to some great childhood memories for me.

5. Be patient – it is what you make it.

If something doesn’t work this year for you – make a mental note and re-evaluate it for next year. Do you want to stop that tradition, alter it, or start something different? Nothing is set in stone. Focus on what works for you and yours! Examining what traditions you enjoy or dislike and adjust to your life as things happen in real-time! Change can be good! Patience for making and adjusting to the changes is important, especially with your children. They need just as much time to adjust and start to flourish in their new situation as you do!

6. Manage other’s expectations:

I also want to mention that other people’s expectations can be exhausting this time of year. Be honest and tell people you are reevaluating and simplifying this year. Next year may be different, but this year if you just do not have the energy let people know what to expect from you. Stand up for yourself and decide what you want. Then clearly state and defend your decisions with healthy boundaries. There is nothing wrong with cutting back and if people do not understand why you need to, it is their problem, not yours. You are only responsible for and to yourself. You never have to justify your decisions to others. Those that truly are important in your life will understand and support your decisions.

If you would like to have some help navigating the change, the emotions, or the process of separation and divorce, I do offer a free strategy session. Please fill out the form and I will let you know what times would work to connect.

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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How to say “Yes” to yourself by saying “No”

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness
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“No” is a complete sentence.

When was the last time you said “YES” to yourself by saying “No”?

Often as I work with people going through a separation, I am amazed at what their marriages have cost them.

(I am not referring to finances, which is probably what comes to mind first when we think of a marriage breakdown.

Or the chattels.

Or the social costs.

Or the legal bills.

Or the costs of setting up two homes after sharing costs in one)

I am referring, in this blog, to giving up:

Who they are.

What they like and dislike.

What their passions and dreams are.

What they enjoy doing and where they enjoy going.

Most excitement has left them as they struggle to just get by.

So many people reach a point in their marriage that they no longer know who they are or what makes them happy.

They are so involved supporting the relationship, the family, their partner, that their own identity has all but disappeared.

They have no spark left. No passion. No joy.

Personally, I know this lacklustre way of being too well.  I was definitely once in a similar place as my own marriage was ending.

Probably the biggest problem was that I had stopped practicing healthy boundaries, saying “No” when I was uncomfortable, in an attempt to save my relationship.

Say “YES” to yourself by saying “NO”!

“Saying “NO”

Loving someone doesn’t mean saying “yes” to whatever the other person wants. The basis of loving someone else is to know yourself and to know what you need. I know a woman who suffered very much because she couldn’t say “no”. From the time she was young, whenever a man asked her for something, she felt she had to say “yes” even when she didn’t want to. It’s important that loving another person doesn’t take priority over listening to yourself and knowing what you need. “ – Thich Nhat Hanh in How to Love.

I believe that saying “Yes” when you want to say “No” is when our own behaviour starts to fail us in our relationships.

“No” is a complete sentence.

You do not need to justify how you feel or why you say “No”.

This is one of the big reasons, I believe, that marriages fail.

We give away too much of ourselves.

We give too much of ourselves to our partners.

We expect too much of our partners in return too.

We are often disappointed with our partners because they do not think, feel and act as we want them to.

We expect to become one and live up to every expectation both parts of a couple have.

This is not how healthy relationships work.

In healthy relationships, we should remain ourselves and enjoy and support each other, being who we really are. None of the merging and the pleasing and the saying “Yes” when our guts twist up and we want to say “No”.

I really believe we give away a bit of relationship satisfaction each time we do not truly say what and how we feel.

Avoiding conflict may seem like a good idea BUT it usually just makes more issues that are even harder to work out.

Communication gets more difficult as our truths are hidden and buried inside ourselves deeper and deeper.

You do not need to be aggressive. Just be assertive and speak your truth. No need to belittle, no need to convince, no need to be correct.

If it is something you need – then it is important to you and no one else can tell you it isn’t.

It is.

Simple as that – it is important to you so do not let it slide.

Couples do not have to agree – you just need to understand and respect each other’s positions.

Speak up and see how it feels.

Stop justifying. Stop explaining. Stop making excuses. Just decline. A simple “No” can work.

Be gentle but firm.

Be loving and understand with empathy.

Practice setting your boundaries and enjoy the opportunities to discuss issues in your relationships.

No need to tell others what to do – just tell them what you need and what you need to do.

Listen. Listen with curiosity and learn. Listen for the deeper truths to start to come out. Listening is something many people forget to do well.

Start any new relationships off on strong a footing as you venture into love again, by saying how you feel as soon as you feel uncomfortable.

Red flags, what I call those moments you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, are there because something is not right – examine your discomfort. Get clear on why it is uncomfortable and what you truly need.

Read more on boundaries here

Try saying “Yes” to yourself by saying “No” to others and see how it feels.

A gentle way to say “NO” is “Yes, I do understand that is what you want but I really have to say “no” because I need ________.

Also, remember – new ways of communicating always take practice and perseverance! Practice, practice and practice some more until it is a habit.

Let me know how “No” works for you in the comments below.

Please contact me if you would like help navigating through your separation or divorce, or help re-enter the dating world. I do offer a free strategy session.

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach

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Happiness

Happiness is an Inside Job

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness, Relationships
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Happiness

Many years before I separated, fairly early on in my marriage, I was told emphatically by a helpful professional: “You are NOT responsible for your partner’s happiness. They are 100% responsible for their own happiness and unhappiness. It has nothing to do with you.”

I felt such an amazing flood of relief. I remember crying very hard, full-on messy sobbing. I had felt tremendous responsibility for a clinical depression. Over the years we had talked about things a lot, worked on ways to improve our lives and eventually sought professional help.

I had found that most of what I did to ‘fix’ our relationship was not helping much. I was at a loss on how to improve the situation. What I was doing to try and buoy my partner up was making me more miserable and not helping him. Looking back I want to emphasize that “I” was part of the problem.

Over time I had given up much of my own identity. I stopped doing what I liked doing, stopped having time or energy to do what brought me joy and worked hard and focused on trying to solve the problems that kept coming up in our relationship around unhappiness – not my unhappiness but the unhappiness of my partner.

I gave up my hobbies, my joys, my dreams and even most of my social connections and my job. (Yes – I encouraged a moved away from my entire support system because he was unhappy and I thought moving to another company in another city would help!) Trying to make or keep someone else happy is exhausting. Of course, the new job in the new city was great for a short while. Then the same issues surfaced and we were right back at square one. This time I had little support as all my friends and family were miles away.

Finally being told that I was not responsible for another person’s unhappiness was a true gift. It was not my job to drag another to find happiness – especially since I now realize that they did not have the same ideals or values.

I still worked on things for many years before my marriage did finally end, but knowing what I know now I think I would have done more to improve my own situation much earlier. I had felt a sense of duty and obligation which kept me invested in an unhappy marriage far longer than I should have stayed. I was throwing everything I could at fixing the problem when it wasn’t really my problem to fix.

I have since figured out that:

  • Happiness really is an ‘inside’ job.
  • You choose how you feel and can to a large extent control how you feel.
  • No one ‘hurts your feelings’ – you choose to be hurt.
  • Not everyone wants to be happy.
  • You cannot change anyone except YOURSELF. You can do things that affect others but you cannot change or control how other people think, feel, react and act.
  • Others need to WANT TO CHANGE themselves to create any change.
  • Changing oneself is hard work. You need desire as well as time, energy and persistence.

Please contact me if you would like help navigating through your separation or divorce. I do offer a free strategy session.

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse|
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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Who is Responsible for How You Feel?

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness
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Often, a separation or divorce brings up some very difficult to manage emotions. We usually blame our ex-partners for all our difficult hurt feelings. It must be their fault that you feel sad, mad, bad or even glad.

May I suggest that your feelings are actually much more under your control than you realize? Emotions are your choice. Difficult feelings will not completely disappear, but I find it very comforting to understanding that you have some control over your own emotions.

Feelings work like this:

  • Circumstances happen and create a ‘situation’.
  • Your beliefs dictate the story you tell yourself about the ‘situation’.
  • This story is your version of the truth – it really is just your story or narrative about the ’situation’ according to what you believe and how you interpret things.
  • The story you tell yourself will affect how you think about the situation.
  • How you feel will be dictated by your own thoughts.
  • Then you react to your own story. You respond from the interpretation of the situation, with the actions you deem are appropriate to take, or you decide to take no action at all.
  • This reaction, or lack of action, will dictate the results you get.
  • So, it is really all about what story your thoughts are creating – HOW AND WHAT YOU ARE THINKING – that will dictate how you feel in any given situation and how you will respond.
  • If you stop for a moment between the ‘situation’ and the ‘story’, can you change your thoughts, feelings and actions? YES, you can change your interpretation of the situation!
  • Try not to take everything personally. Often things have much less to do with you than you think. Try to understand the actions of the others involved. Feel empathy for them and things will be much easier to handle.

So, in summary – you decide how you will feel about any given situation by telling yourself a story. Is the story true? Are things perhaps different than what you see? What were the true intentions others actually may have had? Examine your assumptions and look for other possible explanations.

Byron Katie developed an amazing and original tool around managing feelings that you can use whenever you are finding a situation difficult to manage emotionally. Her tool is called simply ‘The Work’. ’The Work’ is a process that asks questions then uses some ’turnaround’ questions that can completely change the story you are telling yourself.

Try it! I use an app called ‘The Work of Byron Katie’ which takes you through the entire process on a smartphone. If you would rather get the paper version, Byron Katie’s website is simply thework.com – please check it out. You can find Byron Katie’s Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet here.

My favourite parts of ‘The Work’ are these three questions:

  1. Is it true? How do you really know it is true?
  2. Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?
  3. Who would you be without the thought?

Let me know what you think about how knowing the way you are thinking about a situation can change how you feel, how you act, and ultimately your results.

Please contact me if you would like help navigating your separation or divorce. I can help you better manage the overwhelm.

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach

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Blue Skies Ahead! Separation and Divorce Seminar and Support Group

Rebuilding Your Life After Separation and Divorce

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness
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Blue Skies Ahead! Separation and Divorce Seminar and Support Group

My sleep was fretful.
My appetite was non-existent.
I lost over 30 pounds and felt sick most of the time.
I got compliments on how “great” I looked.
“Thanks,” my ‘happy mask’ said.
Everyone wanted to know my weight loss secret!
I would not say it was unrelenting STRESS!
No one knew what I was going through during our “marital crisis.”
I didn’t want anyone to judge us if we stayed together.
He finally decided to end our 20-year marriage.
It was a relief.
No more trying to understand things that made no sense to me.
No more walking on eggshells.
No more conflict avoidance.
I felt euphoric.
I felt terrified.
I felt sad.
I had a deep feeling of fear in the pit of my stomach.

Separation and divorce changed every aspect of my life.
Nothing remained the same.
Our kids, our friends and family, our finances, our home and all our possessions were on the table being divided up.
Our life, our memories, our shared history and our privacy – everything no longer held between just the two of us.
Everything was out there in the world, very public, looking tainted and ugly.
Years of ‘good’ memories downgraded with new knowledge.
You never understand the extent of the losses until you are in the thick of it.
Rebuilding from the rubble after my relationship ended was very difficult and took time.
Sometimes I wondered if I would ever feel okay again.
Emotions were in high gear and logic was in low gear!
Ironically this is the precise time when I needed good logic and competent decision-making skills.

I came through it all, did the hard work involved and emerged better on the other side.
Stronger, more confident and ready to choose what I wanted to include in my life.
I knew exactly what I was looking for and started taking small steps to get where I wanted to be.

Now more than 12 years have passed since my separation.
I have rebuilt every aspect of my life.
There are few reminders of my previous life around me except my children and a few true friends.
I enjoy a healthy relationship with an amazing man.
I have a new extended family that loves me.
I gained some great kids and grandchildren along the way!
I call a different house in a different city home.
I have a new career.
Life is very good.

Looking back, I did a lot of the right things.
I am grateful I did okay.
One thing that helped was called a course I joined. This course and support group gave me insights into my emotions, clarity about what I did want, issues to think about and act on, basically a pathway to rebuilding my life and the support of others in similar circumstances.
I am trained as a divorce coach so I can now help others overcome the hurdles which separation creates, cleaner and more efficiently than I did.

I am excited to announce I am offering a rebuilding program, which I call ‘Blue Skies Ahead!’.
Based on the same foundation as the program I took years ago, with some updating and creativity to make it current for people right now, it starts with ‘denial’ and goes through 19 ‘rebuilding blocks’ to end with ‘freedom’.
Freedom to be yourself.
Freedom to create the life YOU want to live.

Blue Skies Ahead! Is now being offered as a 1:1 coaching program.
I want to support, guide and motivate you through your stress and help you rediscover your strengths and dreams!
Support through the difficult lessons!
Guidance to apply what you are learning!
Motivation to step up and create the life you want right now!

Hope to see you there!

Please visit ‘Blue Skies Ahead!’ Healing Through Divorce for more information or to pre-register.

I also offer 1:1 divorce coaching in 4 1 hour weekly sessions to help you with whatever issues you bring to the coaching.
Please feel free to contact me.
Email: Pam@TheSeparationProject.ca
Phone: 289-237-4419

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Warmly,

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach!

(This blog was first published at TheSeparationProject.ca in 2016 and has been updated.)

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7 Ideas about the Intense Emotions Felt during Separation and Divorce.

Categories: Emotional Coping, Health and Wellness
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  1. The emotions usually felt during separation and divorce do follow a pattern.

  1. You, and others in your family, although you are on the same journey, will probably be at very different places and feeling very different emotions.

  • The stages and feelings will be similar but the start and end of the journey will not match up, so you will usually be at different stages of the same journey which will make things more contentious and difficult.
  • Usually the person that has decided to initiate leaving the relationship is emotionally further along in their journey than the person being left. Two years ahead is often the normal situation. This is why, early during my own separation, I was so upset as my life crumbled around me to see my ex appearing at peace and even positive about the situation!

  1. No-one has control over how anyone else feels – you can only control how you feel about your own situation, react and act.

  • Feelings are just that – feelings – they are never wrong or bad they just are.
  • You cannot speed anyone else through the process no matter how frustrated you may be that they are taking too much time to ‘get over it’ or are being ‘unreasonable’.
  • The children, if there are children, will also experience a similar pathway through the breakup, but they will have little control about how things end up for them or their parents. They too will probably be in a different spot in the valley – usually behind their parents. Please show acceptance of whatever they are feeling, and show them patience wherever they are emotional. Validating how they are feeling can be very powerful.
  • If your kids do manage to handle their emotions well, do not let them become the parental figures in your family! Own up to your emotional issues and be the parent. Children really do deserve a childhood!

  1. Grief is part of the separation process which can surprise some people.

  • Some cannot understand why there is ‘grief’ at all. With no funeral or body, why do we need to grieve? Trust me, your relationship, as you knew it, is dead and you do need to process the situation if you are separating as true grief.
  • Grief will always take longer than you think. Let yourself have lots of time and be very patient with yourself.
  • Grief is a bit like ocean waves lapping at your feet on a beach. The waves will ebb and flow. Some waves will barely touch your toes and some will knock you over with their power. A big wave of grief can suddenly hit you with no warning and you are right back in the thick of your full emotions. Thankfully, like waves in the ocean, it will also subside and the next wave will hit with less power over you. I remember driving the car, and suddenly finding myself crying so hard it hurt. I wasn’t even sure what triggered the outburst, but as quickly as it started, it was over.

  1. Thinking about emotions as transient can help. Feelings come up and pass through just like the clouds in the sky, or bad weather.

  • When you get emotional about something, it will always pass. Eventually, every emotion will dissipate and change to another emotion.
  • If you know that your feelings will pass like the weather, you can observe them with more acceptance and less judgment.
  • Don’t label your emotions as good or bad. They just are! If they come up, accept them as they come.
  • Often, if you just suppress your feelings or try to avoid them, the same emotions will keep resurfacing in your life. The struggle to keep fighting with your own emotions will drain your energy. It is better to feel the feelings and release the emotional energy as best you can.

  1. You will be pulled through emotional highs and lows a bit like a rollercoaster.

  • Sometimes the feelings may change quickly and sometimes they will come and go more slowly, but change they will.
  • You will get pulled back into emotional stages you think you have finished and resolved.

  1. The high-intensity fight or flight response is often triggered during separation and divorce.

Please contact me if you would like help with your separation and divorce.

I do offer a free strategy session.

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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Emotional Hijacking During Separation and Divorce Explained

Categories: Emotional Coping
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Good decision making during separation and divorce is often hijacked by strong, out of control and overwhelming emotional reactions. Just when you need your logic, creativity and problem-solving skills the most, your thinking brain shuts down, and you become very reactive and unable to think straight. This emotional response to perceived danger is due to the fight or flight response. I do find that a simple understanding of how this reaction is triggered, and your emotions arise, can help people manage better during separation and divorce.

Our human brain consists of 3 basic parts according to Paul Maclean and his Triune Concept of Brain and Behaviour. This theory suggests your brain has evolved to have three basic components built on top of each other. This blog is my very simplified understanding of Paul’s theory.

The reptilian brain (our basic instincts evolved):

The reptilian brain is the most ancient part of our brain and it is constantly scanning the horizon for danger and threats. Like a lizard watching for some imminent threat, we still constantly search for danger and are ready to react instinctively. When a threat is detected the reptilian brain immediately goes into what is often called the ‘fight or flight response’. This response makes us ready to either fight for our very survival or run away from the danger. This is a great response if you are a lizard. Lizards do not have emotions and usually react with automatic or ritualistic patterns created to resist change. Reptiles do not get emotional like we do and just fight to protect themselves or run away.

The mammalian brain (our emotions evolved):

The mammalian brain is the source of our basic emotions. Our emotions help us view events as agreeable or disagreeable so we can learn to both avoid pain and seek pleasure. Emotions help us store our memories and learn new things. A key difference between a reptile and a mammal is that you cannot teach a reptile tricks but you can train a mammal. Mammals are capable of learning new behaviours because they have emotion. Emotions are considered a good thing because they allow us to learn and change our reactions.

The primate brain (logical thinking brain or neo-cortex evolved):

The primate brain is the seat of higher thinking, reason, and logic. This is where our human intelligence, or lack thereof, sits. This primate brain actually has limited direct control over your emotional mammalian brain and almost no control over the reactive reptilian brain. In short, you cannot ‘will’ your emotional brain to do much, or your reptilian brain to do anything. You can, however, teach yourself to react to your emotions and instincts in desired ways, continue to learn from them and choose to respond differently.

When you have a fight or flight response triggered, common in arguments during separation and divorce, your body instinctively reacts and floods your body with chemical messengers that cause you to prepare for a fight or run away. As the body floods with these messengers, we feel them as our emotions. The higher thinking brain, in a fight or flight response, actually gets shut down as your pounding heart redirects blood to your large muscles to fight or to escape. Interestingly, this response means that you cannot think well at all and definitely cannot make a good logical decision until the chemical messengers work their way out of your system.

How can you best cope with the hijacking of your emotions?

  • Recognize that the flight or fight reaction is a normal and very human reaction.
  • Learn to recognize when you are being emotionally hijacked by how you feel.
  • Acknowledge that your emotional state is not serving the situation, and you would like to return to the problem when you are calmer and more able to think and talk.
  • Remove yourself from the situation quickly – before things are said or done you will regret later.
  • Allow yourself the time for the chemical messengers to clear out of your system – this normally takes a minimum of 20 minutes and longer if you are repeatedly triggered. Give yourself the time needed to break down the adrenaline and return to a more normal state.
  • Physical activity like a run or heavy exertion can help speed up the depletion of the adrenaline in your system and help your recovery faster.
  • Wait for calmness to return and your thinking brain to come back online before you return to the situation that triggered you.
  • In separation and divorce, it not only makes a lot of sense to give yourself time to calm down and be able to reason again, it also makes good sense to let your partner, soon to be your former partner, to do the same if you want both or you to make better decisions and reach any agreement.
  • Be patient. You can only communicate clearly. This includes listening and actually hearing what is being said, as well as responding reasonably when your thinking brain is capable of it.
  • You can only negotiate well, with reasonable outcomes, when you are both calm and not overreacting emotionally.
  • Practice good self-care to keep yourself healthy to help you increase your resilience to overreacting.

Please contact me if you would like more help dealing with your emotions!

I do offer a free strategy session.

I also manage a private Facebook group where we can connect and you can be kept up to date with challenges, products and all sorts of other resources. Please join me in ‘Growing Through Divorce‘.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

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