One of the hardest things about separation and divorce, is all the memories and emotions that come up during all our special holiday celebrations as our holiday traditions change. The first Christmas, or if you do not celebrate Christmas – whatever you do celebrate, without your full extended family, is probably one of the most difficult times in the first year of separation.

Kids, if you have them, may have to spend their first vacation divided up between households, and they will probably find things difficult to adjust to as well.

Here are my top 6 tips about improving the holidays for you and yours when you are first separated.

1. Release your expectations:

Do not expect things to go as you plan or want them to. They probably won’t. It is better to stay open to new possibilities than to have expectations of how things should go during the holidays. Keep an open mind and an open heart, and embrace both the unexpected fun and difficult moments. Life happens and time marches forward so spending energy fighting or trying to control the change happening during this time is just a big energy drain. Enjoy the small things and keep moving forward as best you can. Things may not be perfect but sometimes there is also humour in the fails. I found that laughing when things became ridiculous really did help ease my burdens!

2. Simplify:

During the holidays simplify everything you can. When you are going through a difficult and stressful time, just surviving is a good goal to aim for. Surviving as best you can is the key – stop aiming to be a superwoman or a superman – stop trying to be a super parent – stop being perfect – stop doing it all – relax and make a list of nice-to-haves and must-haves. Then be ready to cross out some must-haves if the going gets rough. I know when I was married, I had a large Brunch every December for my extended family and closest friends early in the month. I did it so my kids were not disappointed the first year I was a single mom and it completely drained my energy for the rest of the month. I wished, after it was done, that I had not tried to act like everything was fine and I could still “do it all”! You have my full permission to simplify and cut out your energy drains and add more energy recharging activities to your list. Everyone is different. Do what works for you!

3. Re-examine your old traditions:

The holidays are often full of traditions that we may not even enjoy anymore. I know I loved getting that real Christmas tree when I was married, but was quite happy to go for an artificial tree when I was a single mom and not have to worry about how to get a tree in and out of my home. Creating memories doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy. Discard the traditions that just do not work this year. You can decide if you want to do them again any time in the future. What do you enjoy? What won’t you miss? What will be a relief to take off your calendar and your to-do list?

4. Make new traditions:

I started a few new traditions that I enjoyed that we had never had the time for before. We started sleeping over at a relative’s house Christmas Day after sharing a Christmas dinner, so I could enjoy the family time as an adult after I put the kids to bed. We stopped going out to a Christmas Eve party that was a long drive and often happened during stormy weather.  I started enjoying a walk to look at the Christmas lights Christmas Eve, which was always a really nice change of pace! Then, of course, some hot drinks, cookies and a Christmas movie were a great new tradition. It actually was a return to some great childhood memories for me.

5. Be patient – it is what you make it.

If something doesn’t work this year for you – make a mental note and re-evaluate it for next year. Do you want to stop that tradition, alter it, or start something different? Nothing is set in stone. Focus on what works for you and yours! Examining what traditions you enjoy or dislike and adjust to your life as things happen in real time! Change can be good! Patience for making and adjusting to the changes is important, especially with your children. They need just as much time to adjust and start to flourish in their new situation as you do!

6. Manage other’s expectations:

I also want to mention that other expectations can be exhausting this time of year. Be honest and tell people you are reevaluating and simplifying this year. Next year may be different, but this year you just do not have the energy. Stand up for yourself and decide what you want. Then clearly state and defend your decisions with healthy boundaries. There is nothing wrong with cutting back and if people do not understand why you need to, it is their problem, not yours. You are only responsible for and to yourself. You never have to justify your decisions to others. Those that truly are important in your life will understand and support your decisions.

If you would like to have some help navigating the change, the emotions, or the process of separation and divorce, I do offer a free strategy session. Please fill out the form and I will let you know what times would work to connect.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

“No” is a complete sentence.

When was the last time you said “YES” to yourself by saying “No”?

Often as I work with people going through a separation, I am amazed at what their marriages have cost them.

(I am not referring to finances, which is probably what comes to mind first when we think of a marriage breakdown.

Or the chattels.

Or the social costs.

Or the legal bills.

Or the costs of setting up two homes after sharing costs in one)

I am referring, in this blog, to giving up:

Who they are.

What they like and dislike.

What their passions and dreams are.

What they enjoy doing and where they enjoy going.

Most excitement has left them as they struggle to just get by.

So many people reach a point in their marriage that they no longer know who they are or what makes them happy.

They are so involved supporting the relationship, the family, their partner, that their own identity has all but disappeared.

They have no spark left. No passion. No joy.

Personally, I know this lacklustre way of being too well.  I was definitely once in a similar place as my own marriage was ending.

Probably the biggest problem was that I had stopped practicing healthy boundaries, saying “No” when I was uncomfortable, in an attempt to save my relationship.

Say “YES” to yourself by saying “NO”!

“Saying “NO”

Loving someone doesn’t mean saying “yes” to whatever the other person wants. The basis of loving someone else is to know yourself and to know what you need. I know a woman who suffered very much because she couldn’t say “no”. From the time she was young, whenever a man asked her for something, she felt she had to say “yes” even when she didn’t want to. It’s important that loving another person doesn’t take priority over listening to yourself and knowing what you need. “ – Thich Nhat Hanh in How to Love.

I believe that saying “Yes” when you want to say “No” is when our own behaviour starts to fail us in our relationships.

“No” is a complete sentence.

You do not need to justify how you feel or why you say “No”.

This is one of the big reasons, I believe, that marriages fail.

We give away too much of ourselves.

We give too much of ourselves to our partners.

We expect too much of our partners in return too.

We are often disappointed with our partners because they do not think, feel and act as we want them to.

We expect to become one and live up to every expectation both parts of a couple have.

This is not how healthy relationships work.

In healthy relationships, we should remain ourselves and enjoy and support each other, being who we really are. None of the merging and the pleasing and the saying “Yes” when our guts twist up and we want to say “No”.

I really believe we give away a bit of relationship satisfaction each time we do not truly say what and how we feel.

Avoiding conflict may seem like a good idea BUT it usually just makes more issues that are even harder to work out.

Communication gets more difficult as our truths are hidden and buried inside ourselves deeper and deeper.

You do not need to be aggressive. Just be assertive and speak your truth. No need to belittle, no need to convince, no need to be correct.

If it is something you need – then it is important to you and no one else can tell you it isn’t.

It is.

Simple as that – it is important to you so do not let it slide.

Couples do not have to agree – you just need to understand and respect each other’s positions.

Speak up and see how it feels.

Stop justifying. Stop explaining. Stop making excuses. Just decline. A simple “No” can work.

Be gentle but firm.

Be loving and understand with empathy.

Practice setting your boundaries and enjoy the opportunities to discuss issues in your relationships.

No need to tell others what to do – just tell them what you need and what you need to do.

Listen. Listen with curiosity and learn. Listen for the deeper truths to start to come out. Listening is something many people forget to do well.

Start any new relationships off on strong a footing as you venture into love again, by saying how you feel as soon as you feel uncomfortable.

Red flags, what I call those moments you feel uncomfortable in a relationship, are there because something is not right – examine your discomfort. Get clear on why it is uncomfortable and what you truly need.

Read more on boundaries here

Try saying “Yes” to yourself by saying “No” to others and see how it feels.

A gentle way to say “NO” is “Yes, I do understand that is what you want but I really have to say “no” because I need ________.

Also remember – new ways of communicating always take practice and perseverance! Practice, practice and practice some more until it is a habit.

Let me know how “No” works for you in the comments below.

Please contact me if you would like help navigating through your separation or divorce, or help re-enter the dating world. I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach

Often, a separation or divorce brings up some very difficult to manage emotions. We usually blame our ex-partners for all our difficult hurt feelings. It must be their fault that you feel sad, mad, bad or even glad.

May I suggest that your feelings are actually much more under your control than you realize? Emotions are your choice. Difficult feelings will not completely disappear, but I find it very comforting to understanding that you have some control over your own emotions.

Feelings work like this:

• Circumstances happen and create a ‘situation’.
• Your beliefs dictate the story you tell yourself about the ‘situation’.
• This story is your version of the truth – it really is just your story or narrative about the ’situation’ according to what you believe and how you interpret things.
• The story you tell yourself will affect how you think about the situation.
• How you feel will be dictated by your own thoughts.
• Then you react to your own story. Your interpretation of the situation, with the actions you think are appropriate to take, or you decide to take no action at all.
• This reaction, or lack of action, will dictate the results you get.
• So, it is really all about what story your thoughts are creating – HOW AND WHAT YOU ARE THINKING – that will dictate how you feel in any given situation and how you will respond.
• If you stop for a moment between the ‘situation’ and the ‘story’, can you change your thoughts, feelings and actions? YES, you can change your interpretation of the situation!
• Try not to take everything personally. Often things have much less to do with you than you think. Try to understand the actions of the others involved. Feel empathy for them and things will be much easier to handle.

So, in summary – you decide how you will feel about any given situation by telling yourself a story. Is the story true? Are things perhaps different than what you see? What were the true intentions others actually may have had? Examine your assumptions and look for other possible explanations.

Byron Katie developed an amazing and original tool around managing feelings that you can use whenever you are finding a situation difficult to manage emotionally. Her tool is called simply ‘The Work’. ’The Work’ is a process that asks questions then uses some ’turnaround’ questions that can completely change the story you are telling yourself.

Try it! I use an app called ‘The Work of Byron Katie’ which takes you through the entire process on a smartphone. If you would rather get the paper version, Byron Katie’s website is simply thework.com – please check it out. You can find Byron Katie’s Judge-Your-Neighbor Worksheet here.

My favourite parts of ‘The Work’ are these three questions:

1. Is it true? How do you really know it is true?
2. Does this thought bring peace or stress into your life?
3. Who would you be without the thought?

Let me know what you think about how knowing the way you are thinking about a situation can change how you feel, how you act, and ultimately your results.

Please contact me if you would like help navigating your separation or divorce. I can help you better manage the overwhelm.

I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Separation Project Coach

1. The emotions usually felt during separation and divorce do follow a pattern.

• You are not alone.
• Many others have gone through similar emotional journeys.

2. You, and others in your family, although you are on the same journey, will probably be at very different places and feeling very different emotions.

• The stages and feelings will be similar but the start and end of the journey will not match up, so you will usually be at different stages of the same journey which will make things more contentious and difficult.
• Usually the person that has decided to initiate leaving the relationship is emotionally further along in their journey than the person being left. Two years ahead is often the normal situation. This is why, early during my own separation, I was so upset as my life crumbled around me to see my ex appearing at peace and even positive about the situation!

3. No-one has control over how anyone else feels – you can only control how you feel about your own situation, react and act.

• Feelings are just that – feelings – they are never wrong or bad they just are.
• You cannot speed anyone else through the process no matter how frustrated you may be that they are taking too much time to ‘get over it’ or are being ‘unreasonable’.
• The children, if there are children, will also experience a similar pathway through the breakup, but they will have little control about how things end up for them or their parents. They too will probably be in a different spot in the valley – usually behind their parents. Please show acceptance of whatever they are feeling, and show them patience wherever they are emotional. Validating how they are feeling can be very powerful.
• If your kids do manage to handle their emotions well, do not let them become the parental figures in your family! Own up to your emotional issues and be the parent. Children really do deserve a childhood!

4. Grief is part of the separation process which can surprise some people.

• Some cannot understand why there is ‘grief’ at all. With no funeral or body, why do we need to grieve? Trust me, your relationship, as you knew it, is dead and you do need to process the situation if you are separating as true grief.
• Grief will always take longer than you think. Let yourself have lots of time and be very patient with yourself.
• Grief is a bit like ocean waves lapping at your feet on a beach. The waves will ebb and flow. Some waves will barely touch your toes and some will knock you over with their power. A big wave of grief can suddenly hit you with no warning and you are right back in the thick of your full emotions. Thankfully, like waves in the ocean, it will also subside and the next wave will hit with less power over you. I remember driving the car, and suddenly finding myself crying so hard it hurt. I wasn’t even sure what triggered the outburst, but as quickly as it started, it was over.

5. Thinking about emotions as transient can help. Feelings come up and pass through just like the clouds in the sky, or bad weather.

• When you get emotional about something, it will always pass. Eventually, every emotion will dissipate and change to another emotion.
• If you know that your feelings will pass like the weather, you can observe them with more acceptance and less judgment.
• Don’t label your emotions as good or bad. They just are! If they come up, accept them as they come.
• Often, if you just suppress your feelings or try to avoid them, the same emotions will keep resurfacing in your life. The struggle to keep fighting with your own emotions will drain your energy. It is better to feel the feelings and release the emotional energy as best you can.

6. You will be pulled through emotional highs and lows a bit like a rollercoaster.

• Sometimes the feelings may change quickly and sometimes they will come and go more slowly, but change they will.
• You will get pulled back into emotional stages you think you have finished and resolved.

7. The high-intensity fight or flight response is often triggered during separation and divorce.

• Learn to recognize this response and do not make any decisions while you are emotional and not thinking straight.

Please contact me if you would like help with your separation and divorce.

I do offer a free strategy session.

Take good care of yourself!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas

Why is change so difficult and overwhelming during separation and divorce?

1. The extent of the change is usually massive and it may impact all areas of your life.
2. The speed of making the changes is often very fast and there is little time for adjusting, preparation or proper planning.
3. The emotional upheaval during separation and divorce may make decision-making and implementing the necessary changes more contentious and adversarial.

I have 6 ideas about change that may make it slightly easier for you to deal with. There is no magic wand to make change simple or easy but here are a few of my ideas that I do hope will help ease the change slightly.

1. Change is the only guarantee we have in life.

No matter what stage of life we are in, change is constant. There is no such thing as true stability. Think of change as the waves lapping at a beautiful sandy beach. The waves are constantly changing the coastline. Sometimes the change is difficult to see on the beach and sometimes after a storm the change is obvious and much of the sand has been washed away.

Separation and divorce are like a storm washing over the beach and it will cause big changes and test your resilience. Remember that this is just one stage in your life and it too shall pass – change will just continue on shaping your life’s landscape and change things constantly.

“There is nothing permanent except change.”
– Heraclitus

2. Change usually triggers fear.

We are genetically hard-wired to fear change. Both ‘good’ and ‘bad’ change may trigger fear. Our ancestors evolved and passed on our genes by being safe and not doing dangerous life-threatening things. The ‘fear of the unknown’ is a well-known concept.

Ask yourself if your thinking is based on fact or fear when fear starts creeping in. Stick to the facts as best you can. Expect fear and treat it as excitement!

“The only difference between fear and excitement is your attitude about it”
– Unknown

Remember that most times in life we do overcome the initial fear we feel, and find amazing things come from the changes we create. We worry far too much about things that never happen.

Remember that when we look back at that ‘horrible’ event that altered our life like a job loss, or a big failure, we often learn valuable lessons and end up on a different path. In hindsight, we often realize that the ‘horrible’ event was the best thing that ever happened to us!

“You don’t fear change. You fear the unknown. If you knew the future would be great, you’d welcome the change to get there.
Well, the future IS Great.”
– Joe Vitale

3. Accept that some change is out of your control.

The Serenity Prayer says it all:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.”
– R. Niebuhr

In a marriage breakdown, spouses often try to control each other with guilt and blame. This never works in the long run.
We are all responsible for our own thoughts and actions. We can only control what we think and do – not what others think and do.

Accept this fact and let go of the struggle. Focus on what you can control and steer that change in the direction you want. Conserve all your energy for what will help your situation. Accept what is.

“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”
– Sonia Ricotti

4. Know how you react will impact and add to the changes.

There will be plenty of decisions to make and things you will have control over. You do control how you choose to think about the changes ( your mindset), how you react and how you act. How you think, react and act will all influence the change itself, the outcomes and further changes.

Use your responses to shape the change in the direction you want your life to go in. For example: you may have to move to a new home, but you get to choose where you will move, how you will behave during the move, how you set up your new home, how you will feel in your new home, the example you set for your children in how you think about the move, and your new home…

Weigh your options, do the research and work out all the long-term consequences as best you can, then make the best possible decisions and carry through with positive action. If your mindset is not helping you cope well – consider changing your mindset! You get to choose if you are a victim or a victor.

“Our reaction to a situation literally has the power to change the situation itself.”
-Unknown

5. Keep emotion from driving the change.

I know – easy to say but very difficult to do. Slow down and give yourself time to absorb the changes and feel the emotions.

The emotional journey is normal, healthy and necessary. Your emotions will themselves change over time as you go through your separation and divorce. Don’t make decisions that will last your whole life based on the emotions you feel in the heat of the moment. If you are too emotional – postpone big decisions.

“Never make permanent decisions on temporary feelings.”
-Wiz Khalifa

“Slow down. Calm down. Don’t worry. Don’t hurry.
Trust the process.”
– Alexandra Stoddard

6. Break all the change down into small steps.

The best way to manage massive change is one small step at a time. If you keep thinking about the whole thing it is overwhelming. Break it all down into small changes until it is manageable.

“Eat the elephant one bite at a time.”
– Unknown

The changes during separation and divorce are difficult, but I do hope you found encouragement and some ideas that will help you get through it all. You will be amazed looking back at what you did manage!

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
– Joseph Campbell

Please tell me what worked and did not work for you – add your ideas to the comments below!

Best regards,

Pam

Pam Mirehouse
The Divorce Coach in Dundas